Recipe for a Good Relationship

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Hi!

One of my clients was reading my blog. She felt a recipe for all natural sunscreen would fit nicely in here. I believe it does, because we can all use a tip from time to time that could be beneficial to our health.

It got me thinking…what would be a good recipe for a solid relationship?

I think we can come up with many of the ingredients for what creates a happy twosome, items such as:

  • Love
  • Communication
  • Compassion
  • Kindness
  • Friendship
  • Forgiveness
  • Self-love
  • Acceptance
  • Allowing
  • Attraction
  • Trust

But….how much of each do we need for a Rockin’ Relationship? All parts are necessary at all times, yet in equal amounts at different times. Meaning, whatever is going on for one or both partners there may need to be more of those characteristics than at other times in the relationship.

How would that work?

Here’s a recipe for adding the ingredients:

When we forget why we’re in a relationship with our mate and what the goal is: POUR IN LOVE.

When we start having voices in our head and deciding we know the score with our partner: SPRINKLE THOROUGHLY WITH COMMUNICATION.

When we forget our mate is human and disappoints us: SPOON IN COMPASSION.

When we’re mad or frustrated with life or our partner: BLEND IN KINDNESS.

When we want to share our deepest desires or insecurities: ADD FRIENDSHIP.

When we’ve fought with our partner or are kicking ourselves for what we’ve done: STIR IN FORGIVENESS.

When we’re not feeling the love: KNEAD IN SELF-LOVE.

When we’re not comfortable with the inconsistencies in our mate, ourselves and the relationship: A DASH OF ACCEPTANCE.

When reinvention happens at any time for either partner: SIFT TOGETHER WITH ALLOWING.

No matter how long it’s been, remembering what brought us together in the first place and allowing those feelings to re-emerge: A PINCH OF ATTRACTION. 

When we can’t let go of what our mate does or doesn’t do, to know we are still okay no matter what. To own our insecurities, share them but not burden our partner with them is to place within ourselves and the relationship: A QUART OF TRUST!

There may be some variations on the amounts of each ingredient, but if all exist in a relationship then there is a recipe for success.

Now….the second recipe is for our bodies:

Here is her recipe for Homemade Non-Toxic Sunscreen Lotion Bars

http://www.homemademommy.net/2013/04/homemade-non-toxic-sunscreen-lotion-bars.html

Ingredients

Directions

Combine the shea butter, coconut oil and beeswax in a glass bowl placed over a hot pot of water or use a double boiler. Heat on low until the ingredients are melted and full incorporated. Remove from heat and stir in the zinc oxide, the essential oil, and the vitamin E oil. Pour into silicon molds and place in the fridge to cool for about 30 minutes. Pop out and store in tins or an airtight container. Store at room temperature.

Notes:

  • These will melt in the hot sun. I plan to cut off a small piece to take with me to the pool or the beach and carry it in an airtight container. Once back indoors it will solidify again.
  • I have received questions about how to apply. You simply rub all over your body while holding in your hand. The texture is firm but emollient and it will feel like a lotion – not soap. You can rub it in further with your hands.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Invitation to Kindness

An invitation to kindness would seem a natural bestowal to extend to yourself and the rest of the human race. How often do you invite kindness into your “daily” life?

We talk about kindness as a staple of living, just like eating and sleeping. Yet, how often do you practice actual kindness? Not “being nice” (which is doing something for someone so they “think” you are wonderful or to get something in return), but being kind?

Kindness does not mean giving in or handing out.

Kindness OPENS the heart and quiets the mind.

In being and sharing kindness, you stand for yourself, but are mindful of the point of view and needs of others. If in a relationship, you always have the common goal as kindness, how could you possibly feel bad about your actions?

Kindness sure doesn’t qualify under self-flagellation. After all, if you are into kicking yourself every 5 minutes for a perceived mistake or analyzing the crap out of everything you do, kindness will continue to elude you.

Kindness toward others is not truly present when you are absorbed in this style of thinking, because when we punish our self, we punish the rest of the world too. It is a rather cruel cycle. And makes for a pretty unkind mood too.

Finding kind eyes in this world should be a daily pursuit, which starts when you wake up and look in the mirror. Have kindness in your eyes at the person looking back at you, they are doing the best they can do each day. Be kind.

Just think about how sincerely good it feels when someone is kind to us? They may ask our opinion, open our door, smile at us, hug us, show up when we need that shoulder, listen, love, and open-heartedly is in our corner. Many of us may be surprised when someone does something from the heart; we may not know how to respond or even trust it, because we have been withheld from authentic care and lovingkindness. And the best we can give back to our benefactor is to bask in the glow of their kindness. We all LOVE to know what we give is welcome, even if not a word of appreciation is ever stated….

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. ~ Lao Tzu

That quote is one of my favorites.

I pasted it here to decipher how kindness serves our best life.

Kindness in words creates confidence: Be aware of your words, are they only designed to win, crush the opponent and give you a moment of feeling righteous or superior? Do they steal your confidence or feed feelings of wholeness? When you speak to someone else are your words chosen with respect, value and honor for the other person and yourself? There are no instances in this world that even the most painful things you may need to utter, should not be done without kindness. No matter what words you choose, do try to connect with what represents the truth in your heart and soul. It makes it easier to start from there, before your mind becomes involved in what you speak. Use your words kindly.

Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.  We have thousands of thoughts a day. What if you were to only “act upon” kind thoughts? How would that change your day or even your life? And what about those game-changing KIND thoughts that require a “leap of faith” or an “Act of courage” to implement, because they are so far out of your comfort zone? (And anyone who knows me, can hear me saying “Don’t ask WHY, say “WHY NOT?” There ain’t nothing holding you back, but you, so Just Do It, because the very ACT of doing, will create a WHOLE new REALITY for you!”) Use your mind kindly.

Kindness in giving creates love. Oh, such a beautiful sentiment. When you give from the heart, you always receive love in return. Even if the source of love is a different one than you have given. Giving from the heart not the head (the head might be a little more calculated ) is “truth in action”.  Anytime you withhold giving to another person when you really, really want to from your heart, you put up a wall to creating love. You instead manifest more fear and self-flagellation. Use kindness as a gift.

Withholding and kindness do not operate from the same roots. Yet, when we are being kind to our self, we are mindful of our energy, wants and needs. We respect our own boundaries and others. Kindess does not coexist in tandem escorted by withholding as its partner. To withhold does not create ease, comfort and happiness, because it is disingenuous. And it takes many forms, from outright abuse, to disconnecting, making false promises and anything else, which takes REAL kindness and replaces it with being “nice”.

Nice means to inauthentically commit to another through the “outward” appearance of the act of giving or doing, which oftentimes is meant to exceed expectations and break through the sound barrier. And there is a sense of obligation, duress or manipulation involved in anything “nice”.

Kindness on the other hand can also be given through a sense of responsibility, but it is a “clear” heartfelt understanding. Kindness may be stressful, at times when we commit to an act of kindness it may be at a HUGE inconvenience to you, but it feels good in your heart to provide. Kindness is not given to “get” anything.

Niceness requires appreciation; kindness has appreciation in the seed of its origin.

To be compassionate is to be kind. Forgiveness is also a form of kindness. Both of these are action words in the kindness library. And this isn’t just directed to others, it is directed inward to our own healing. Kindness is healing. It is self-love as an action word!

The more aware you become of your thoughts and how they affect your moods, the more opportunity you have to actually change your perception. We can pick and choose the thoughts we want to turn into a belief. We can choose thoughts which support an already upside down perception of ourselves or try a new one on in terms of kindness. Choose your kindest thoughts and take action. You won’t be disappointed by the miracles that abound. Not just outside of you but within you. You will start to feel different, as though you have more control over your life. And you may stop regarding certain aspects or the whole world as a dark, cold place where dreams are slaughtered.

Kindness in action will be a launching pad for dreams coming true, because everything becomes possible with kindness. 

I invite you to try on “kindness” at least a couple of times a day and see the difference in how you feel. I bet you’ll end up feeling more peaceful, whole, connected, loved and believing that you do matter all from just a few “ACTS” of genuine kindness.

Drama Momma is not a Llama

One fascinating fact I have come across is many people who state they run from drama, actually create it.

When you meet someone that you may have an interest in dating, they may flat out tell you they can’t handle any drama. And that the people in their past created so much of it they are not sure how they survived.

Or what about when you meet a new friend who says all of her friendships always end up in disaster, but she has no idea “why”.

There is probably more than one contributing factor as to why this person seems to be a magnet to the misbehavior of others.

People who specialize in vagueness, not clarity; ambiguity, not certainty; and create expectations only to consistently dodge out of the promise…are indeed the match to the flame, the kickstarter for drama.

They are controlling their own demise in self-sabotage, but looking for a scapegoat for their own unworthiness. As a coach, when I listen to people talk about a current situation, there is always a lack of clarity as to where the seed of all this drama was born.

In matters of the heart, a person who possesses a lack of courage in following through with promises, standing behind what is true in their heart for their mate or showing up at all, has allowed experiences based on their own limited belief to run the show. Hence drama is created. Fear plays the lead role.

And what these individuals do is create “drama” as a distraction. There is a tremendous amount of emotional cowardice in creating drama and stating your innocence in participating in its creation.

When individuals intellectualize an emotional situation, they are trying to gain control of their emotional state as well as the other person. They want to possess the winning hand. Its funny, but they never end up fulfilled; they remain empty.

These people are so afraid of losing themselves, being vulnerable, honest and somehow possibly repeating a past experience that they stuff their emotions in a box and create drama.

There are many who acquire those “specialties”. In a relationship with this person, whether it is romantic, professional or friendship—there is no security and a lot is assumed, if no one is asking questions. The person on the receiving end of being intellectualized and therefore made to feel inferior or wrong usually walks on eggshells. Afraid to ask what they need to know… And even when questions are asked straight answers by the individual may be avoided. So, it leaves a lot of room for interpretation as to how someone feels for you or even what he or she wants from you.

I have worked for people like this, where you never know where you stand or they create a dramatic situation, so you won’t notice what they are or are not contributing. I have also been in relationships of all sorts with people like this and at one time in my life, I was this person.

Depending on how attached you are to someone who has declared themselves a drama-free zone, you may find yourself increasingly on edge as no intelligible words have been spoken to give you any clear idea as to where you stand.

You may then create an ideal “fictional” scenario to fill in the cracks that are apparently turning into large gaping holes. Just so you don’t create any “drama”. No one wants to be the person who creates drama once it has been stated as “prohibited” in a relationship.

Who wants to be the fool? Well, I’d rather be the fool who has tried to communicate what is true rather than hiding behind a wall of intellectual malarkey.

The problem for drama-starters is that they have to make a decision to change their existence. No one can do it for them, no matter how much you complain, feed the drama or withdraw—your actions and words make no difference to this person.

They have to walk on their own hot coals. Decide they have worth and value. In essence, the receiver of the cold intellect is seen as having more value than the drama-starter. Unfortunately, for the drama starter there is no awareness as to the scenario in which they need to feel superior to the poor emotional fool, so instead they keep perpetuating a vicious cycle.

And the question they ask of you and you ask of yourself is “Wow, what is wrong with you?” As though you have failed some important test.

People keep moving in and out of the drama starter’s life without them having any sort of grasp on what they do to cause this to happen.

Or if they have a clue, there may be pleasure attached to thinking they are safe once they create the environment for drama and watch the other party go up in flames.

They can then have an excuse to move on just as empty, and unfulfilled as before, yet blaming others thinking they are pathetic for their inability to be intellectual or hold it together. They may even think the other should have had more patience and given them time to come around.

None of us are Job, you can’t sign up to be anyone’s whipping post.

You can still love these people, work with them and even have them as friends if you choose. You can make a decision not to punish yourself or them.

Communicate with these individuals from an honest and vulnerable place.  Sounds counter-intuitive, right? It’s not.  Honesty and vulnerability are actually the only TRUE strength we possess… the most authentic place inside of us. In other words, no one can argue with how you feel…because it just “is”. And in expressing this, it almost doesn’t matter what the answer is from the drama starter.

Love is a constant, truly unchangeable. These drama starters may like you or love you, but are so afraid of the power you would wield if you knew that truth, that they will continue to show up as though they don’t care.

You can accept this person is unwilling to face their own fears and be emotionally stunted from their own choice, but you do not have to stick around or be subjected to being made to feel the fool.

Standing for yourself in truth is the kindest act you can provide in this situation, regardless of the consequences…. because you can never control the outcome no matter what you do. And if you are labeled a “Drama Queen” by this person, who cares?

You set boundaries with these individuals. If they don’t respect the boundaries, you can remind them…and you can also take action for yourself. You can make a decision to not allow this treatment in your life. It is not against the person, it is placing boundaries about “treatment”, showing kindness to yourself and not punishment. It keeps you from being the victim.

Always be clear with yourself, what you can handle and why. Why would you stay in any situation with a person like this in your life? Maybe it is your boss and you can’t afford to leave the job? Maybe it is your husband, wife or life-long best friend and you are stuck as to what to do—hoping it will change? Maybe it is your lover, your soulmate and geez, wouldn’t it be great f they would just trust you instead of withdrawing? It’s not you they don’t trust, it is themselves.

Staying or leaving is up to you, but no matter what you decide—remember don’t do anything out of punishment. When you punish another, you punish yourself. You can physically feel the discomfort when we act against, only keep your light shining and you will attract others who come from the same place you do…. in any area of your life. Like attracts like.

And thus, once in awhile the drama starters come to a realization about how they create the drama, how disconnected, lonely and numb they are and reach out… the question is then, will anyone be standing in front of them to hold their hand as they come back to life? Seems like they always do in the movies.

And to be honest, I can recall intellectualizing another person whether they were my mate or employee as a way to feel superior….as though they were the crazy one and I was okay. Wow…what a great way to end up alone. And because I wanted to experience “life”, wake up each day without anxiety, suffering and a feeling of numbness; I made a decision to join the living and walk on my own hot coals.

It definitely beats living in my own box. Even when others admired me and told me I had it sooo together, I was cold and disconnected. It took my own desire to FEEL, to want dreams coming true in my life and not live in a low grade depression to finally transform from fear to love.

So my advice, love all, let go and if you know someone like I used to be….you never know they could surprise you one day, but don’t sacrifice yourself to being part of their drama. Declare your boundaries, live your life and watch what comes to you.

If you would like more information, check out my website or Facebook page. And please share your comments on drama here.

Moods of a Mirror

At times we get so caught up being busy with what is going on in life that we forget about ourselves. We lose connection with how we feel in the moment, and what we need. We forget to stop to take a breather and give to US. Many times we get caught up with what everyone else needs, as we leave ourselves simmering on the back burner.

Love is always there. It never disappears, it just seems there can be thick woolly layers in-between, where we can’t feel it peacefully existing inside for ourselves and others. A myriad of emotions can block the feeling of love. Distraction distances us, such as when I get caught up in what is going on; whether I am knee deep in work, walking my daughter around her new campus or paying bills; “I” am not in the picture frame.

In that moment, my focus is all outward. There is no focus inward.

Often, I feel some heavy feeling, something causing a nagging feeling of discomfort and it finally makes me realize that I am disconnected. So, I stop what I am doing for a second and ask myself “How am I feeling?” The more often I check in with myself, the more it brings me back to being in the moment and grounded in myself. Instead, of putting the feelings aside…I let them come up for a visit, so they move on and then I can continue my day in a much happier space.

I give my clients a 2 part exercise in awareness and getting in touch with themselves.

In the first part I ask them to stop and ask “how are you feeling” several times a day. Many have never connected to their emotions and don’t know what to expect; even though there has been initial reluctance from some of them, the results have been amazing!

Many people are afraid to feel their real feelings, because they think it will overtake them and ruin their mood, heck I’ve had clients tell me it could ruin their whole day! They believe their negative feelings will consume them and they will become incoherent, catatonic or hysterical. I ask,  What is the mood you are in when you don’t allow yourself to feel your feelings? A false sense of contentment? Or an on-going sadness or anxiety greeting you as you wake and yet, you are so used to it that it feels normal everyday?

The second part is to check in and develop an awareness of being in their body as they walk, drive, and go about their day. Most of us distract ourselves with things like the radio when we drive or thinking of our to-do list as we walk, sit and even try to fall asleep. If you start to pay attention to being in your body and what you are experiencing in the moment, you will immediately feel calmer and more connected.

Pushing down feelings, prolongs the agony and in the long run promotes all sorts of emotional and physical ailments. Stress, anxiety, depression are a few, not to mention the studies done regarding the links of your emotional state to cancer and other diseases.

We do things to distract ourselves from what we are really feeling in many ways from shopping, eating, drinking, sleeping, burying ourselves in work and the list continues… And/or we compartmentalize emotions and situations….and “say” nothing to anyone to avoid confrontation or opinions or CHANGE.

Mmmm….it is easier to be kind to oneself. Kindness consists of allowing. Allowing emotions, feelings, communication that is meant to be honest and informative from our most authentic self.

Kindness is in how we treat ourselves. Bestowing kindness on myself by taking care of me, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Kindness is what I like to fill up my glass with each day. When I am kind to others, I feel good. The mirror is always reflected back.

When I punish others, I punish myself. I know that if I am punishing someone, I may feel good for a minute or two…but then, the guilt starts and the second-guessing and the remorse….and then I feel worse than I did to start.

So, I ask…why make yourself feel bad? Instead hug yourself, look in mirror and smile! Take time out to sit and stare at the sky day or night; write a poem, eat dessert….if you are depriving yourself of pleasure…..bring it on, give yourself pleasure!!! Pleasure without guilt. Pleasure because you deserve it, because you exist. You are worth it!