It’s Complicated.

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Why do we human beings complicate the crap out of everything?

  1. We’re bored.
  2. It’s what we know.
  3. We like drama.
  4. We’re not good enough or worthy.
  5. We’re afraid of abandonment.

And so on.

It’s a circle of hell.

I moved this week and even though I’m self-proclaimed as the queen of disorganization, I’m also pretty anal about having things completed and my ducks in a row. It’s how I get to the end result, which was¬†the¬†complicated part.

I decided that I would just ‘let go’ starting with¬†the internet/cable company having their computer call back 8 times in three days, and threatening not to show up on Tuesday, if we didn’t answer the same questions. I would not call the president of Charter Communication (I already had a conversation with him a couple months ago) and just breathe, remaining in a state of ease through the move.

I did call their customer service who didn’t understand why we wouldn’t answer the questions from the phone robot, instead get on board and take care of the issue. The deal is folks, I lived in a world of uptight for years! Years.

I was anal and full of expectations, so do you know what most of my thoughts used to be around? Failure. Other people letting me down, me letting me down and expectations of perfection, which were enough to stress someone out and give them health issues.

I assumed constantly; I looked for problems, always strategizing to solve them before they happened. It’s what can appear to make most of us Type A’s successful, but it also makes us crazy!

I thrived on people handing me a flaming inferno, so I could figure out how to put it out and change the circumstances (in jobs, clients who hated on the company ended up becoming my new best friends), because I over-cared. I took it personally, if shit was not working and this translated to my personal life.

I spent sooooooo much time trying to prove something, fix everything and everyone; my life was complicated with minutia, and it served a purpose (I didn’t know it at the time), so I could do one thing…..avoid myself!

I remained free of criticism or disdain (in my own mind), as long as I was handling everyone else’s shit. I couldn’t be abandoned, I was needed and it was complicated. EVERYTHING was an ordeal; it kept me busy.

Know what I mean?

What’s your biggest problem right now? If it is anything outside of you, then I have news for you…you’re WAITING on someone or something else to change. And that situation or person has your power, as you WAIT for what you want.

Notice how much time you spend assuming, strategizing and looking at the rest of the world as the issue and if he or she or it would only get their shit together!

If you spend any time imagining a variety of scenarios to whatever it is keeping your life complicated, then I have news for you, nothing will change, until you decide YOU are going to change.

My move was significant in terms of other issues showing up and my decision to keep breathing, staying in a place of ease. Where I would normally be uptight, I let it go. I asked myself what good would it do to fight? I no longer had the drive for it!

Life is not so complicated anymore. Relationships which were complicated are gone–my thinking around them gone. In fact, the realization on a deeper level of what real connection is and is not has floored me. Even¬†clearer is the old way of moving at lightening speed¬†created from¬†the complicated scenarios in my head¬†have fallen away too.

All the years of impossible to-do lists and the feeling of emptiness around their fulfillment is gone. In fact, if I find myself starting to go down the OLD road, I immediately stop. No thank you.

To desire ease in your life is one thing, to actually live into it and the simplicity it brings is another thing.

Being in a state of ease means allowing, connecting, and trusting. 

Allowing yourself time, space and the peace to receive help, opportunity and clarity. Slowing down and having awareness when you start to automatically speed up, why are you doing it? What complicated crap is rolling around in your brain? (Remember 90% of our thoughts are repeated daily)

What problems were resolved and you now feel a state of limbo or stress, as though you don’t know what to focus on, is it complicating your thinking?

Allowing yourself the internal space to breathe and just focus on creation from your heart (not your head) is hard to do, if you’re not used to it. You may talk about letting your heart lead, but what are all the excuses you have as to why you cannot?

To maintain a state of allowing is not to sit back and eat bon bons, it is to participate, place effort daily and allow others to show up. It also means letting go of perceived control and never feeling bored again.

Connecting to yourself means you know what you want, how you really feel and not hiding from your own truth. I guarantee once you start living this way, your whole life simplifies, you’re no longer trying to please or outthink¬†anyone else. You do things deliberately without holding onto the outcome.

The connection to yourself takes courage, because fear has a loud voice–so any time you notice all sorts of voices in your head telling you WHY you cannot do something, tell them to shut up and focus in your heart, your gut…listen for the answers from your inner wisdom, and get uncomfortable. Real uncomfortable.

You are leaving what you knew for the promised land.

Once you see yourself from a place of truth, all the complicated thoughts cease. You stop over-caring about their existence and the meaning you gave to them about your self-worth. You connect to your true value. Drama becomes boring.

Trusting from the inside out is an act of compassion, vulnerability and love. If you allow yourself to relax, to say okay to the unfamiliar and trust yourself when you make decisions from your inner wisdom, miracles happen.

Second guessing, and strategizing are no longer appropriate. You roll with the waves, you don’t play victim or have crazy-ass expectations. You trust in yourself, a higher power and life… that it really will all be okay. It’s understanding your control is really inside of you not on the outside and trusting ease.

Ease only comes when we’re willing to participate in the flow of life, instead of standing on the outside of it, complicating every situation, so we have stuff to roll around in our heads and believing it’s entertainment or our life wouldn’t have meaning without it.

Need some help moving into ease, please schedule a complimentary discovery session with me and find out how you’re blocking your own good time.

 

Assumptions and Real Love Don’t Mix

Ask the Questions

Standing in front of him, as he states the plans for his¬†weekend trip, and you’re wondering why after months of dating he doesn’t introduce you when he goes to visit family?

You don’t ask. You feel hurt and seethe inside.¬†

Your husband keeps coming home later and later from work. You feel something is funny, but tell yourself he is just working hard for the family.

You don’t ask. You pray.

Your girlfriend says she is busy, so you make excuses for her, instead of noticing these are just bullshit reasons to maintain a distance…..

You don’t ask a direct question. You help keep her dramatic story¬†going.

Your mate tells you a story, instead of getting to the truth, you start to strategize how you will act, perhaps you will people please or be in opposition, and¬†focus on getting things to stay the same, so you’re in control.

You don’t ask, because then things would be out of your control, even though you feel like crap inside.

There are so many scenarios where questions are not asked and why is that my friends?

FEAR.

Fear Is A Fucker.Don't Let It Screw You

It gives the illusion of a loss of control.

It’s easier to live in a false sense of comfort than to rattle the cage of your relationship and deal with the fall out.

Change is scary and most of us would rather create a story of fiction than to get into the nonfiction parts of our lives.

Here’s the deal…..

When you avoid the truth by not asking the direct questions (kindly) and seeking a bona fide REAL answer, all you do is prolong your own misery and the inevitable ugly mess, which will transpire at some point.

It’s unavoidable!

All items swept under the rug do not go away, they become a BIG lump.

Get some courage together, even if you’re shaky and words slowly tumble out of your mouth as you choke….do it. You will feel better, even if things appear beyond your control!

Make sure when you ask the questions, it is not to accuse or to corner someone, it is to seek out of curiosity and understand on a deeper level, so you can make appropriate choices for yourself.

Making appropriate choices for yourself is huge, because you get to be in charge of YOU. It allows you to be vulnerable (which is your truth) and connect to your authenticity.

Real love requires authenticity. And I say this as real love being a place of non-attachment to outcomes, which feed our subconscious confirmation of old crappy beliefs. Real love requires transparency, otherwise we will build barriers of resentment against it.

Try it!

Real love requires transparency, otherwise we will build barriers of resentment against it.

You ain’t got nothing to lose, but what you would’ve lost in the first place.

Remember assumptions are stories YOU have created, they keep you in a bubble–at a distance, because you’ve assumed all sorts of crap about someone else that may or may not be true. You’ve judged it and made it into a story where you’re either the victim or the hero…

You make it where IN YOUR MIND you cannot lose. And at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself what you’re really holding onto and why.

What are the questions you are afraid to ask???

 

What’s Your Weirdness EQ?

Everyone is weird.

We’ve all heard that in so many quotes that have surfaced, right?

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Most people cringe when they think of how being weird might negatively affect them. What is a weirdness EQ? It’s your ability to emotionally handle your weirdness!

Yes, I made it up, but wouldn’t that be cool if there was a Weirdness EQ? Emotionally aware and accepting of your little quirks?

Hiding weirdness is a social disease; it ain’t got nothing to do with reality. In reality being human makes us weird. It makes us different and therefore it can make us lovable.

I owned a wonderful fa√ßade¬†for years, which¬†wouldn’t allow my weirdness to show.

But now… I’m a super freak!¬†How about you?

My sense of humor runs the gamut of really disgusting to slapstick. My likes and dislikes show me how much I don’t fit into the mainstream. And I’m quite all right with not being PC.

Most of us want to appear normal so we’re not abandoned. It also means working at jobs which we hate or don’t suit us in the least. We may be depressed and not know why. For those of us that have felt different, we may think we always look weird (as though it stands out before we walk in the door) and that makes us uncomfortable.

We hope nobody can tell.

I’m not talking about acting goofy or childish, which is fun! I’m talking about just the weird things were drawn to and how we express ourselves. If you’re like me, you’re the curious type. Being¬†curious about most things, which¬†might be¬†completely unacceptable to others, can make you appear weird.

But, weirdness is where I bond.

Before I connect with¬†somebody else, a guru, a mentor or friend, I make sure they’ve actually shared characteristics about themselves which¬†show they’re weird or unique–something which means they’re human. Think about the multitudes on Facebook who share shiny inspirational messages, but hide out in not showing themselves. There’s no sign of life or weirdness and¬†I find it hard to follow–it’s boring and in the end, not inspirational.

I want to know the¬†reality of the life of the person who is posting a meme or even speaking to me in private. I say let your uniqueness show. Isn’t that where we all connect?

What about doing work or being in a relationship where we hide qualities we think might be threatening to other people?

What if you’re the CEO of the company and you can’t stand showing up for work each day? But you want it to appear that you’re happy and successful so nobody really knows how much you suffer. We all help one another when we let our weird show. Anybody who is threatened by it is actually threatened by their own weirdness. One small caveat–just cuz you embrace your weird, doesn’t mean you should use it as a form of torture on others who may not share your view.

Being weird is a human tradition. Isn’t it what all great comedies are based on to some degree? The ability to laugh at yourself, but to also embrace your weird, because that bit of uniqueness could be the missing ingredient to your¬†creating a life based on real happiness.

I came up with this list of questions, weirdly random. I answered them, so now it’s your turn.¬†I’d love for you to do it¬†in the comments below!

Have you ever danced in the rain? Yes and had mud-fights too.

What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?¬†I can’t see! What day is it? I don’t remember this hole in my pajamas! Is this where I wanted to wake up….¬†where’s my coffee!?

If you could be any age for a week, what would it be and why? I think I’d be three or four. I want to play in a carefree way, with no responsibility. My sole goal is to get up and play… and take a nap. Yup, that would be fun!

Have you ever eaten a crayon or glue? I have eaten paste as a child. I think I may have munched on some crayons too.

Do you talk to yourself? Yes, and I sing to myself too.

Do you know your heritage?¬†It’s actually ‘weirdly’¬†interesting and too long to share here.

What was a weird thing you did as a teenager? Drove with my friends in search of an infamous midget village in Long Beach. We combed the streets looking for this fabled land where everything was supposed to be small. Reminds me of the time I went snipe hunting.

I am sure there are more, but this is all I can remember right now.

Most bizarre talent? Hmmmm…touching my tongue to my nose or chin? I used to be able to burp many letters of the alphabet!

What is one thing you believe right now, you would never do on purpose? Skydive!

Ok… your turn!

Do You Treat Yourself As Someone You Love?

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Awhile back I was outside walking and doing my visualizations, etc. on the items¬†I am manifesting in my life. It’s been interesting to observe my own thoughts as they have shifted from obsessing about certain areas of my life (love and money), to a very balanced overall desire for fulfillment across the board.

As I thought about how I shifted from years of making all desires¬†about love, more than anything else I thought to myself, “I am ready for a life partner.”

I continued with, “I will love him as I love myself.” Whoa Nelly!

What?

That statement¬†made me stop. It was an emotional epiphany and gave me pause. It¬†lead to the next question,¬†”¬†Do I treat myself like I would treat someone else I love?”

Oh yeah! And as the answer washed over me, opening all sorts of doors inside of me, ¬†I realized if I don’t treat myself in this loving manner, at some point I will treat the other¬†person the same way,¬†I treat myself.

How Do You Treat Yourself?

I looked back at my most recent relationships, at some of the men I had recently dated, and asked myself not how I treated them, but how I treated me in the process.

Wow! Did that illuminate my love for me!¬†I have come a long way from self-rejection, dislike and self-hatred¬†when I was young. Now I’m in an on-and-off relationship with loving myself.

I do spend a significant amount of time connecting to my value, pleasing myself and emotionally taking care of me. But in the past? In the past I had been like the evil stepmother in Cinderella!

I dieted and exercised to the point of making it an obsession for years… stringent, depriving, unloving and wanting my body to do what it didn’t want to do! Does anyone see the love in that statement?

I worked like a dog. Pleasure? What was pleasure?

I took care of my kids. Not only were they first, I allowed them to be everything. Oh man, so not good!

I hid in my work, in things which would distract me from loving myself. I ALWAYS felt empty and wanted to feel validated.

I was a class A asshole to myself! I appeared to have it all together, but appearances, as we know, are deceiving.

I could be really cruel, and as I stood on the street that day during my walk, I saw how I had treated some of my previous partners. I gave to them from an empty well, expecting each of these guys to refill it. To give me what I demanded without giving it to myself. It was their job.

Where the hell did I get the idea that my emotional well-being was someone else’s duty?

I was raised to believe it. All I had to do was look at the relationship with my mother and continue to see it out in the world. When I turned on the TV or saw a movie or heard a song wailing away about ‘being done wrong’ by someone (not cheating–but someone feeling like shit because someone was not giving them what they wanted!). As I write this, I thought of that old song “Wedding Bell Blues” by the 5th Dimension.

Bill, I love you so, I always will
I look at you and see the passion eyes of May
Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day

I was on your side, Bill, when you were losin’
I never scheme or lie, Bill, there’s been no foolin’
But kisses and love won’t carry me till you marry me Bill

I love you so, I always will
And in your voice I hear a choir of carousels
Oh, but am I ever gonna hear my wedding bells

I was the one who came runnin’ when you were lonely
I haven’t lived one day not lovin’ you only
But kisses and love won’t carry me till you marry me Bill

I love you so, I always will
And though devotion rules my heart I take no bows
But Bill you’re never gonna take those wedding vows

Oh, come on Bill, oh, come on Bill
Come on and marry me, Bill, I got the wedding bell blues
Please marry me Bill, I got the wedding bell blues, wedding bell blues
Marry me Bill, I got the wedding bell blues

Hmmm… do the lyrics speak of this woman taking care of herself? Loving herself? Nope, she talks about feeling entitled, showing how he was first (not her) and he OWES her! Right?

She has no love for herself. She thinks by being a welcome mat for someone else, she can cajole the guy into thinking he owes her enough to marry her!

And if you were Bill, wouldn’t you keep running?

Dig Deep and Look at Your Expectations

Back to the street corner. Would I now, in this moment, expect somebody to refill what love I didn’t give myself?¬†¬†I didn’t draw a hard line with myself, which is a huge improvement. Instead I realized how I had mellowed and wasn’t perfect (thankfully, I no longer take a toothbrush to the floorboards).

As I continued my walk, ¬†I started running through my day and asking if each choice I made was toward pleasure, toward my goals, or in opposition. Did I practice self-care in the way I would like to care for somebody else? Did I make sure to have happy moments, or did I intend to keep attracting somebody who doesn’t make choices that are happy?

I really dug deep. I tend to pay attention to my choices. Are they life-expanding or life-shrinking? A lot of questions my friends, but if we really start to dig deep and look at our expectations, we will find how we treat ourselves to be surprising at times.

It’s okay if we don’t love ourselves all the time. We have all been raised with some sort of self-sabotaging beliefs, which we hold ourselves accountable for, to the degree of our¬†awareness about our relationship with ourselves.

We have to communicate clearly with ourselves, not shirk away from our own treatment. And still live fully into accepting all that is lovable and not lovable inside of us. When we practice this¬†self-accepting behavior, we start to show up differently. We stop treating others as a threat, especially when we want them to give to us now, and feel they won’t! Or we¬†need¬†distance or we want to go off feeling sorry for ourselves. We can find a kinder, more loving way to move through our relationships… especially the one with ourselves.

How do YOU treat yourself in relationships… past or present? Do you treat yourself the way you treat your partner?¬†Please share…

Comparison and Self Criticism: Can You Say Toxic?

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Oh lordy! The things we say and do to ourselves can be quite the mixed bag.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt

By the time we get to comparing ourselves to others, there has been no joy. What motivates us to look at the lives of other people and think they have it better in some capacity, while diminishing ourselves? It never brings us to a happy finish line.

Joy, happiness and freedom do not appear¬†simply¬†because we’ve finally beat the Joneses and have everything promised in the American Dream. If we’re too busy focusing on what we don’t have, it is a statement¬†about our inner world.

We’re in a state of lack. We feel less than and our inner critic is nipping at our heels.

The Curse of the Joneses

I lived in the hell of comparison for a good portion of my life. When I was young and felt about as attractive as beef stew, I thought prettier women had it easier. This obsessing over what was wrong with me and comparing myself continued for a couple of years. Until I got past the attractiveness¬†‘thing’ regarding my appearance and moved on to other points to compare myself to in life.

Get married, spawn some babies, have a couple of cars, a beautiful house, look freakin’ perfectly put together, appear to have no emotions and call myself a Stepford Wife. Okay, I wouldn’t go that far, but really in that part of my life, someone else always had a better something.

The more better all of these signs showed up, because¬†I had ‘arrived’ in a certain lifestyle, the less satisfied I was in my life and ultimately, as my ex-husband put it as I left our marriage; I was choosing a life over a lifestyle.

Of course I continued¬†comparing my life to others, which kept me stuck in relationships too long for fear of not letting go of ‘my one and only’ chance at whatever my inner state of lack was transmitting at the time.

The Inner Critic

What the hell was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I get it right? Others thought I had it right because I could really pull off the “I have my shit together” look. But inside I felt like a mess.

Why could someone else have a happy, healthy relationship while I attracted people who weren’t really a fit? Or where there was some major obstacle preventing us from hooking up to a pony and riding off¬†into the sunset together? Why did it always seem like if someone else was successful, I wasn’t working hard enough? Why, why, why? Cue the inner critic!

That inner critic¬†would start off by saying, “Well you’re too much, not enough, different, invisible, too loud, too quiet, too masculine, too feminine, you don’t deserve to be happy, you haven’t done enough yet,” and so on. Sound familiar?

The Contradiction in Criticism

I finally¬†realized no matter what someone or something appeared to be, it had no bearing on their level of happiness. That’s the point at which I stopped comparing.

I mean, if I was to look at comparing now, Facebook is a breeding ground for bullshit, right? People talking about their resume of accomplishments to show the rest of the world their incomparable level of happiness, and anyone who wants to give their two cents should back off, right?

I have had clients tell me how looking at someone’s posts on Facebook is detrimental to their well-being because of how they feel ‘less than’ by comparison. They see friends having babies when they’re not, or getting married when they’re not or even entering relationships,¬†and the whole while they’re having an inner dialogue about how they have apparently missed the marks in life and… what the hell is wrong with him or her?!!

The list goes on. If you have an inner critic that was spawned from the gates of hell like mine, here are a few things you can do to shut it up, stop comparing and start living!

  1. Don’t resist or argue with your inner critic. Treat it like your drunken neighbor: Put a pillow over your head and count sheep or just let it wail away without personalizing it, until it stops. And it will stop. It’s amazing what can happen when you don’t engage in an argument with yourself. Raise the white flag and surrender!
  2. See the drama play out until the end. If you hear “you suck” in your head or anything else when looking at someone else’s fairytale life, see it through to the end by asking questions. Why do I suck? What exactly makes me not worthy of a pink pony with a prince or princess galloping with me to our castle in the sky? Seriously….ask it questions, watch it lose its footing and hopefully disappear.
  3. Accept your fatal flaws, mistakes, failures, warts, defects, and what other ornaments you decorate your inner tree with. Just say YES to all that is f’d up within you. When you start owning it all, there’s nothing left to point out. And comparing yourself to others is boring because you know you’re human and so is everyone else. Even the Joneses.
  4. Be playful with life. See yourself through the eyes of the observer in a flirtatious way. Remember our true (as in fulfilling) accomplishments usually come as a result of being who we TRULY are, not who we think¬†we’re SUPPOSED¬†to be!
  5. Please remember no one is living a fairy tale existence. I know you’ve heard this a million times, but let it sink in emotionally. We all wake with morning breath and if we don’t keep our belly buttons clean, they can be the stinkiest part of our body. That goes for everyone!! See everyone through the eyes of reality instead of some hyped up fantasy (even if that’s the dish they’re feeding the rest of the world).

Where do you find yourself comparing yourself to others? Do you look at your neighbor in yoga class to make sure you’re ‘doing it right’? Maybe it’s the magazines you peruse at the check-out line, or perhaps Facebook is your ‘I’m not good enough’ platform of choice. In the comments below, please share where your comparison monster shows up!

 

Are You Hiding From Abundance?

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Catchy title, right?

I’ve found myself at multiple crossroads this year, each time with the question¬†of ‘Who Am I?”

I believed I knew each time, but I was avoiding a few things. And for me, each time I did, it slapped me in the face immediately. No more hiding.

I could no longer be anyone else, but me.

I could no longer pretend to go along to get along.

I could no longer be around people¬†for which¬†I had to hide any part of me, or step back into the shadows and be less than who I was. And most of all… I had to accept the ‘woo-woo’ parts of who I am.

Accepting my¬†flaws is a much easier road, and one where¬†I no longer cringe at others finding out about me. We all have flaws. No one has their shit together when they’re hiding imperfections or insecurities.

When I went to dinner with a friend (someone I have also¬†provided psychic readings for), she asked if it was okay for her to tell the waiter¬†I was psychic. I wanted to crawl under the table, but in a position to really own this particular part of myself, I said ‘sure’.

Why my reaction?

Well, it’s not as though I stopped being psychic at different points in my life. I just separated it. When I was in certain situations I’d hide that part of me, and when I was doing business or socializing with ‘accepting’ friends, I let it out of the closet.

I worried how other people perceived me, perhaps thinking I lacked credibility. But when I came to the crossroads of understanding, and how not just that part of me, but other parts of me were submerged in the dark, invisible to the naked eye, I knew it was my WHY.

WHY things could feel bad; WHY things didn’t work out; WHY (until I embraced this and other murky parts of me from my POV) I stayed in a state of struggle. My struggle was deep within, so of course it is reflected in the creation of lack¬†in my¬†outside world.

What I’m getting at here is how our internal struggle and characteristics of our personality, abilities, etc. which¬†make us want to cringe… keep us stuck. If we’re not showing up as the ‘whole’ and instead just as fragments of what¬†WE THINK is acceptable, then we’re screwing ourselves out of an abundant, joyful life.

I’ve been working on my subconscious beliefs for years. I had some help this year and the practitioner said it was time to own all I do… including the spirituality, the energy work and other gifts I had submerged in the murkiness.

Anyone relate to what I am saying?

Fearing we won’t be accepted by others, we live this life of quiet desperation and major struggle. I’m not talking about throwing it out there as a Facebook post. I’m talking about living it all in 3D!

As long as you or I remain hiding¬†some part of who we¬†are, which could be a major gift to the world, and instead¬†play it safe, we¬†aren’t saying YES to life. We’re saying NO to possibility and remaining a limited version of who we¬†truly are. That sucks!

If you want true fulfillment and abundance, the only way to get there is own what makes you cringe. If people around you don’t accept you, it’s not your problem because living a limited version of who you are is way more detrimental to your well-being than it is to find your true tribe!

This is not an easy process. It does include loss, pain and trying to find new footing, but the payoff is huge.

Look at where you have a state of lack. What are you hiding from the world? Wherever you’ve submerged parts of you out of protection, basically fear, you are hindering your ability to receive what can be a true match for you.

Notice how you show up with different people; how certain characteristics are acceptable and others get shoved to the side.

See if you can allow an opening for what is hidden to come out in just one of those situations.

See how uncomfortable it is, and at the same time experience the freedom.

Have you noticed this in your own behavior? Have you felt uncomfortable when attempting to ‘be you’? Please share in the comments.

We’re All Shades Of Grey.

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All of us can be hypocritical, tell untruths, hurt other people and basically fail when it comes to doing the right thing (whatever that is).

And honestly, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it, as long as you accept yourself and your intentions in the process. I’ve struggled just like anyone else with doing things I didn’t want to do, but when¬†I still needed to be accepted by others (before myself), I went along with it. Didn’t want to disappoint.

Until I realized every time I went against myself it wasn’t¬†pretty. I could be downright weird when all I wanted to do was escape from circumstances. I could act like a complete ass. And yet NOW I accept it when I¬†find myself stuck where I don’t want to be, or I just say “NO” to the invitation.

I hiked with friends this last weekend and found myself not wanting to make friends with strangers, or even have much conversation with my own peeps. I hiked a majority of the trail alone.

I’m not a good group person most of the time. I can be when I feel connected, and sometimes I absolutely love it! I love it when I relate or in some way connect with others (not small talk–my eyes glaze over and I think of knitting scarves for mice or something). But when I don’t and I’m disconnected, there’s a yellow tape with the word ‘CAUTION’ across my forehead.

Having self-awareness helps; I recognize when I’m out of sorts and instead of berating myself, like the old days, I accept myself.

We’re All Hypocrites and it’s OK

This is where most of us struggle: Self-acceptance of our odd parts. The things we feel weird about or¬†how we don’t quite fit. We may hide those traits or disappear from situations where it’s too difficult to be anything other than…¬†weird.

Thankfully my friend who I hiked with knows this about me and didn’t take it personally (I also share my feelings with her so there’s no doubt–it’s ME). Does it make me crazy, hypocritical or end up hurting other people? Perhaps.

We as human beings are hypocrites and it’s okay, because our feelings change.

The determination of always, never or ever should be stricken from our language. We can say yes to something 20 times in a row and then say no to it the 21st time. We can dislike something 5 minutes ago, and something changes in us and now we love it! We feel one way, then it changes… so what?

Surround yourself with other hypocrites–people who own their thousand shades of grey–and accept it. Just freakin’ accept that you’re weird, awesome, unaware or whatever. Or berate the crap out of yourself for all the ways you’re imperfect. Just be prepared to never really grow or be all of who you truly are. That’s where it counts. How you feel about YOU¬†matters.

Accepting Our Shades of Grey

Wanting to live a black and white existence from the inside out is not possible, and if you stay focused on it, you never move off the dime. You never get to really rock the journey or be who you are. I did it for years and it sucks!

If you want to feel good about being weird, hypocritical, going against the flow, making mistakes and not doing the right thing, here are a few pointers to start:

  1. Forget the voices in your head from other people who want something from you. Whether it’s to act a certain way or show up when you don’t want to be present. It’s time to put your feelings first and do what FEELS GOOD to you. Take baby steps ’til you can jump!
  2. Become playful with life. When you play, there’s a level of self-acceptance that happens for being your weird self. It happens naturally so pay attention ¬†and apply it when you’re not playing.
  3. Review expectations. Do your expectations work for you? Who do they belong to? If you like them, keep them. If they are a way of getting validation, trash ’em. If you use them to judge yourself or others, please just stop. Let the inner critic grow to be an inner cheerleader!
  4. The right thing to do? It’s not what you learned as a kid; it’s what actually feeds you. Start paying attention to your gut. Don’t go against it and see what happens. Become a hypocrite, change your beliefs, show yourself a damn good time, even if you choose to sit in a dark room by yourself.

In what ways are you a hypocrite? What actions or feelings do you¬†own one minute, and then change because of situation or¬†state of mind?¬†Name your ‘weirdness’ in the comments. Chances are you’re in good company.

 

The Choices We Make

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My year of reinvention continues, how about you? 

Recently, I met with a woman who helped me with a few things regarding my subconscious beliefs. She told me that my relationships would be affected. People coming; people going.

It’s been wild to watch!

Before I met with her, I already made different choices in my relationships.

This just accelerated things.¬†As I continued to magnetize¬†individuals sharing¬†a similar perspective of reality,¬†while accepting myself (finally) and understanding, we’re all f*cked up…other people disappeared!

I decided to choose love even while letting go.

It’s been rough.¬†

I’ve lost a relationship that was of value to me. A lot of love, amazing memories, and at one point we were kindred spirits, but alas, too many misunderstandings, judgment and change had taken place. It’s a funky place to be, when you can see the deeper picture of how it took two to get there. We either go thru thick n’ thin communicating honestly or crap expands (including others)¬†pushing us apart.

On the other hand many who disappeared,¬†were not ‘authentic’ and frankly we never were truly¬†friends. As¬†I felt a sense of relief… I asked myself, how did I get here.

Junior high school?

Funny, right?

We all have our jr.¬†high story, don’t we?

Not only were parts of it happening again, BUT my issue of belonging and how I go about valuing myself really started back then!

At the time, I was cast out of my group without any interest in my truth–as only a 13 year old could be a victim, but who knows this at 13?

From that point forth, I felt inadequate in most relationships, waiting for the other shoe to drop–to be found out and told I sucked. I left a lot of relationships up to the other person to choose me; to tell me I was okay or not. I never really felt worthy; I’d always feel something was wrong with me and thank God they’re willing to overlook it!

It wasn’t til I started choosing me, accepting me (warts and all), being kinder, gentler and happier with me LOVING MYSELF….in other words taking off my¬†mask and being who I really am, that something profoundly¬†shifted.

It’s been hard at times, but¬†I had no choice…I had to choose me. (If I tried to suck it up and fit my square peg self into a round hole–I’d experience a weird anxiety–I couldn’t pretend)¬†I took responsibility where I saw my part, but stopped worrying¬†how others perceived me.

This was the most AMAZING discovery…..I finally¬†realized¬†I¬†value myself¬†not based¬†on¬†the opinions or assumptions of others, NOPE…I value me, based¬†on¬†me.

And it leads me to how choosing OURSELVES (not as victims), but in loving what is….we can choose the others in our lives, with love too.

Someone recently sent me Choose Her Everyday or Leave Her…wanting me to talk about it on my radio show. In a perfect world it’s great to put the onus of responsibility on one person. We can all be destructive, but you have to catch yourself and at least know why….so if you have relationships, whether intimate or not….who (or what) do you choose?

From the article:

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior.

In any relationship, we do this when we want to victimize ourselves and hold someone else responsible: place blame. The focus for this man was not on himself, it was on his partner and her negative aspects (not as a whole person).

By focusing on what you¬†cannot control (another person), and ignoring what is going on within yourself–you remain unfulfilled–wanting–needing–and usually angry.

My personal journey is to remain connected, choosing myself, so I can be authentic and love others from that place, whether they are in my life or not.

Why?

Because it feels good! Isn’t that the point of life….to feel good?

What about you? Where will you focus?

Would you like another round?

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This has been a year of reinvention for me, how about you?

I notice it in major ways (especially when loss is associated with it) and in smaller ways, where I come up against my old people pleasing skills.
 
For instance, I went on a hike this weekend (like I do most weekends) with my daughter out in Santa Monica.
Afterwards, we wanted to have a glass of wine (or in my case a margarita) and food. We found a restaurant¬†on PCH. We placed our order much to the chagrin of our waitress, who gave us the impression, she’d rather be anywhere, but here. She brought my margarita and the wine for my daughter. Near the end of our meal, she asked the BIG question…

“Would you like another round?”

My daughter spoke up saying “yes, I¬†would like another one.” I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want another drink¬†and so, it became a conversation between the two of them. I was surprised when she brought us both a drink. I looked at my daughter and said, “I didn’t tell the waitress¬†I wanted this,¬†you said you wanted another one when she asked, but I said nothing.” My daughter thought for a moment and said, “I think when I said I wanted another one, she assumed that we both did, since you said nothing.”
Now….this could be no big deal, right? But the truth was I really didn’t want another margarita,¬†then I started thinking of all the reasons that I was now stuck with a $14.00 drink that I didn’t want. “I shoulda spoke up…..UGH, this waitress seems annoyed with serving us…she walks by our table and doesn’t ask us if we need anything or even if we wanted to order in the first place, UGH…..I am now going to have to drink something that I don’t want or waste the money….wait a minute, do I have to just swallow it?”
The inner conversation was ridiculous to say the least. I sat in the booth thinking about how uncomfortable it was going to be, because I had decided I wasn’t gonna say okay to something I didn’t want…nor did I want to keep the peace with a person, I didn’t even know!
Do you ever do that? Tell a story to yourself about all the reasons you shouldn’t speak up or say¬†what is true for you, so that you don’t upset another person?
I’d like to say I’ve never done it or still do it! But, alas…here I was with the waitress who couldn’t smile and seemed irritated with every word spoken to her unless she asked.
I motioned for her to come over and told her, “I wasn’t going to say anything, because I felt bad (yup) and then I realized it was a stupid reason for drinking something that I didn’t want. I didn’t order this and I do not want it.”
Of course, as predicted…..she argued and tried to tell me I nodded my head ‘yes’ and agreed when she asked the BIG question.¬†I wasn’t intimidated, nor was I up for someone ‘arguing’ with me as a tool for¬†persuasion.

So…I disappointed her, I made it messy….I didn’t swallow it and I felt better, even though it was fairly intense.

My daughter actually agreed with me (she’s almost 24), usually ‘mom’ doing anything like this is totally embarrassing….¬†but this time, she saw how sometimes it’s best to please yourself, because you’re not gonna win a new friend or make someone like you, who doesn’t have the least bit interest in bridging that gap.
But it’s all right now, I learned my lesson well.¬†You see, ya can’t please everyone, so ya got to please yourself “~ Ricky Nelson “Garden Party” lyric

 

No apologies; value yourself.

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We demand apologies in our society.

Why do people want an apology when someone clearly is not sorry and doesn’t want to give it?

Does it have some meaning to hear meaningless words?

As a society do we suffer from over-politeness‚ÄĒexpected to apologize when¬†we don’t feel regret for our words or actions, so should we do it¬†anyway? We can insert any words besides I am sorry (car door, lollipop, vase, etc) into an apology, when we’re being forced.

I’ve a better idea….how about sticking to being authentic‚Ķit has significance¬†and ‘value.’

In our desire to rip an apology from the reluctant hands of the offender, it is to ensure NOTHING changes. NOTHING.

People do NOT like change, especially when it’s associated with loss. (most change means loss of something)

To gain value in yourself, you need to see yourself and others clearly.

If someone hurts you or does something untenable, the first impulse might be to put it all back together again…so nothing changes.

Denial can be alright for a minute or two, but in reality you need to look at what has transpired.

How¬†about apologizing when you’ve done nothing, but just want things to stay the same–hoping it will calm the other person down or he or she won’t¬†blame you for their crappy behavior? Ever experienced this phenomenon?

Elevating yourself while NOT trying to convince someone else of anything you think you deserve is the key.

Let me be clear, by¬†elevating, I mean to take yourself out of the desire to react in an old way; to gain clarity‚ÄĒby rising above it (to see clearly) and looking at the situation¬†as the observer.

When you react to a situation as a victim, it is quite different than saying “I am hurt by this situation” and taking a step back.

Taking a step back to evaluate or let the dust settle, so you can clearly decide what is best for YOU…not the other person(s) is going to lead you in the direction of self-care and empowerment.

Fulfillment equals value.

Value inside means you’re not demanding payment. Instead of¬†demanding a meaningless apology by¬†threatening someone or falling deeper into victimhood, the movement is¬†to care for your own feelings.

Screw meaningless apologies, they change nothing. It’s time to look at reality, the truth¬†and make changes for your own fulfillment.

Some of you may not want to give up on the hope and dreams you have invested in the relationship or situation (personally or professionally) and so action to care for yourself is the last thing you will do.

Valuing yourself is hard to do with other people actively living in your mind. The fear of loss is more important than self-love, until it’s not.

I remember looking for books or other arguments, which supported how I felt, because no one around me understood what was going on with me…and it made me question my value. I needed something outside of me to validate that my feelings are okay.

Stepping out of the role you’ve inhabited–takes an honest appraisal, understanding the way you’ve acted isn’t¬†your TRUE position; it was to get validation. True value cannot be felt through validation from others.

So, what is the bottom line? Give up apologizing, unless you really mean it for an action or word, which you FEEL was a mistake.

Stop waiting for the apologies from the rest of the world, they make no difference to your ultimate value. And recognize that your value is an inside job.