Pleasure While Breaking Up

Most of us fear break ups. We’ll do almost anything we can to avoid them, *oh the pain* until we grasp our emotional resilience to handle it.

Many of us stay in half-baked relationships.

Selling ourselves on ‘its good enough,’ numbing out, not getting our needs met or saying ‘yes’ to things, which make us feel horrible about ourselves, what do we actually think is going to change here?

We’ll wake up one day and magically everything will work to our liking?

We need to change, IF we ever want to experience the best in life. This involves risk and knowing something else suits us better. Stepping away from filling our time with worry, hope, and desperation, instead we move into pleasure.

By changing, we don’t transform into someone else! We become who we truly are, dropping the excuses, dismissing the chatter of others’ voices and begin LOVING ourselves.

Exiting a relationship with pleasure translates into bringing more pleasure into our lives.

Let’s take my client Anna who was having a relationship with a guy she thought was fabulous!

When they met, they bonded among other things, over their similar loneliness. I told her it wasn’t the best place to start, as I listened, it was quite clear; he was a victim. Everything was always someone else’s responsibility, even his own actions.

He was not at cause for anything happening in his life.

For awhile, Anna didn’t notice this so much (even when I pointed it out), because he was busy rescuing her. As long as being a rescuer/victim worked for them both, there wasn’t a problem. As many who know the drama triangle, it requires three positions…victim, rescuer and persecutor,  living our relationships on that triangle, we switch positions, unconsciously.

About a year into it, Anna noticed him slipping away.

He made excuses, saying it wasn’t her, it was the overwhelm of everything in his life.

There were excuses, as though she caused his overwhelm. Everything he volunteered to rescue, became a burden… he got angry, seeing her as needy and incapable of making appropriate decisions in her own life……though, her perceived helplessness only existed in his mind.

At one point, he was very demeaning to her, even though she was extremely upset, she was done.

He never took responsibility for his choice in his treatment of her. He saw her causing him to be derogatory toward her. She, however, saw the trajectory and knew if it happened once, it’ll happen again.

In his eyes, she became the persecutor and he was the victim, waiting for her to rescue him by taking full responsibility for how she caused him to be angry with her.

Anna could observe the situation without feeling victimized. She felt strong and more in love with herself. Even though she was sad at the prospect of ending the relationship, she knew she didn’t deserve it. She knew she deserved pleasure….and lots of it!

As she started to take one tiny step at a time, she took back her power. Meaning, she said ‘yes’ when she meant it and ‘no’ when she meant it too. She engaged in a manner, which respected them both. She allowed herself to flip flop a bit, so she could emotionally let go without overwhelming anxiety, and make sure she learned her WHY. Her desire was clarity about her part. Her bigger desire was to end this in a loving, kind and respectful manner without anger.

Pleasure became of the utmost importance. She gave to herself more and more. Fun wasn’t to escape the situation, it was something she could fully jump into and exploit the pleasure of pleasing herself.

No more suffering, or punishing herself or depression. It was an opportunity to empower herself and OWN her choices. The more she fed pleasure to herself, the more she glowed, even in sad moments….she realized she was going to move onto bigger and better things.

The act of fun, pleasure and empowerment made her realize all that was previously impossible, was becoming possible. As she let go of holding onto to what didn’t serve her emotionally, her world expanded.

Choice is always available when it comes to a perspective of our lives.

We can convince ourselves we must stay here and suffer, that someday pleasure can shine in our lives…..but, it never comes, until we decide no matter what’s going on to GIVE TO OURSELVES what we desire.

The exact measure of our resistance to pleasure is the exact amount of the gain. When we resist ending a relationship or feel it must go down in flames to exit, it’s quite obvious that in equal part pleasure awaits us when we finally say ‘yes’ to ourselves.

 

A List for Monday

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I thought I’d put a short list together of items to start this week off.

1. Stop Dreading Monday on Sunday Night.

If we’re dreading the start of our work week (for most of us), what is it exactly we’re spending our time doing that we don’t enjoy on Monday?

Is it the confines of a job, the structure? Is it the boredom, or the challenge? Is it that we have no passion and would prefer to invest our time elsewhere. Get clear on why hatin’ on Monday solves nothing and then take action to improve the tude’ about this day of the week.

2. Life Happens Every Moment

If there is no juice in our caboose, believing that Monday is a doldrum day, then choose a different perspective. Looking with fresh eyes at life around us, may afford us new opportunities and a connection to being in the present moment. This can happen anywhere, even in a job we don’t enjoy or if we’re currently unemployed….there is something good we can still find to get our motor running.

3. Plan a Delicious Dinner for Monday

Sunday night dinners may be where it’s at for most of us (or insert any other night besides Monday)…why not go out, or cook something really amazing for dinner…hey and while we’re at it, we could invite people to join us too. Make it a Monday night fiesta!

4. Just Break The Pattern

Get out of autopilot! We often have a certain feeling to accompany the day of the week, we may not be aware that this is ruling how we approach our days, but it does and the key is to stop and ask why? Are we protecting ourselves against some disappointment or that we are unhappy, so we blame it on the day? When we know how we feel and why….we can then make changes to our lives (yes-CHANGE our lives), this will take a bit of reflecting and also some self-awareness to actually check into how we feel to know what’s up! Do it now.

5. Bring the Funday into Monday

Are we running on empty after the weekend and blaming it on the blahs of Monday? WHY? Many of us may save up all of our fun and activities for the weekend, resulting in an imbalance with our energy and time.

What about having fun all week long?

Having fun at work or finding work that we love so there is fun….we may start off our week with fear (anxiety), getting back into the discipline of a structure, what’s going to happen out of our control and it’s struggle.

We may also fear its possible loss. Working, even if we don’t enjoy it, pays for our fun and it can make us risk-adverse.

None of us are guaranteed our work will continue, we don’t know what will happen. So by doing what we love all week long, we have a balance and even if there’s loss or change, we still have the opportunity to choose fun, even if it’s for a moment.

Have a great week….every week! XOXO

 

How to Stop Creating Regret

Many of us believe in “someday,” and that our lives are filled with many tomorrows and therefore we can keep waiting for life to come to us.

The words “I wish,” when stated in hindsight, are of the woe we experience in not having done what we wanted–in not having followed our truth. We may have been stymied at the time with the thought of possible loss or feeling caught off balance….and instead going with what was safe.

When an opportunity comes our way, perhaps, something we always wanted….we may hear ourselves say, “What if?” We start scrutinizing all the details, until we paralyze ourselves into not going in the direction of our truest desires. We can come up with thousands of scenarios as to every possible “what if,” there is in our mind.

Stuck…it’s where we land.

And the longer we’re stuck the more we punish ourselves.

We get into a never ending cycle of beating ourselves up for not being true to ourselves….and we also beat ourselves up, when we don’t do the “right thing,” and encounter problems. When we go with our truth, it is not a smooth road–nothing is in life for very long. We may think we made the wrong choice and run back into the arms of stale comfort, because we think it is safe…

Except it is what will lead us right into the pit of regret at some point.

We may find regret around every corner when we look at the results outside of us, rather than living from the inside out. When we constantly allow ourselves to experience the pleasure that is possible, rather than worrying about “what if,” it will more than likely lead us toward our truth rather than into the arms of same old, same old.

The F**k It List.

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Yep, this is the time of year when everyone shares their resolutions, hopes and other long list’s of to-dos.

Perhaps, you may have even assembled a “bucket list?” Well….welcome to my “f**k it list.”

Taking life too seriously, leaves little space for new, exciting adventures to make their way in our lives….so, if we wanna LIVE LARGE, and feel the freedom, excitement and make a dream or two happen…..

Then put these on YOUR F**K IT LIST (and of course feel free to add your own items)

  1. Strategizing to keep the status quo. Keeps misery alive rather than letting the cards fall where they may by becoming honest with ourselves. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
  2. Spending energy trying to convince someone else of…well…..anything.
  3. Assuming. F**k assuming, it’s mental energy spent assessing something that we do not have a shred of evidence to support, but believe we have ESP powers to read someone else’s mind or intentions. Get a mirror and look at your own intentions instead!
  4. Lying. Poke my eyes out, please…all lies come back to haunt us in some way, shape or form. ESPECIALLY the lies we tell ourselves. Decades can go by believing our own lies. Find the voice inside who wants you to live!
  5. Bullshit. People who want to convince us that if we don’t sniff their glue, drink their koolaid, listen to some talking head or something else SUPA DUPA IMPORTANT to them….somehow we, our family or our business/job will suffer. CHOICE is a beautiful thing, trust yourself to know what is best for you, then take action!
  6. Playing nice. Just be real. REAL. If we feel we have to dance around in a tutu to distract others from getting to know us…try getting naked, warts and all. Speak the truth always, in the kindest way possible!
  7. Being uptight. Oh sigh. Why bother? Is there an award for being tightly wrapped? Do we get something for the stress, anxiety and mental-torture we put ourselves through? Oh hell no! Validation or approval from others is pointless. Fill that empty space inside of you with some lovin’ from you!! Jump back and kiss yourself!
  8. Fear as a soul-sucking monotone voice that blocks you from taking that risk! What if the sky falls? What if I make a mistake? What if I end up homeless? We can’t control anything outside of us, so if we at least take the risk, we get the confidence that WE CAN, plus the adventure and to feel alive!!! So Just Do IT!!
  9. Blame. Please stop. Thank you.
  10. Being Angry all the time, because we refuse to do anything to change what pisses us off…and this does what for us? Makes us self-righteous? Better than the rest? Anger is from our allowing people and situations outside of us to control us and we usually do this in the hope of getting something from it. And when we don’t get what we want…resentment takes over and makes us do weird shit in over the top ways that leaves others scratching their heads as to our actions. So stop screaming at strangers who you believe are inconsiderate. Stop overreacting when YOU ASSUME your lover is doing something to you (because that stupid movie of the past is playing in your head). It’s time to do some soul searching and see what you want…and then go about fulfilling it without forcing anyone to make it better for you…and don’t do things for others in the form of trying to get something…and when you start doing weird shit, check yourself and stop mid-sentence or mid-action…ask is this what I want?
  11. Whiners and complainers. People who get a jolly kick from ruminating over ANYTHING. My daughters likes the housewives shows …these groups of women find everything to whine and complain about–not my form of entertainment. Remember like attracts like and water seeks its own level…so you wanna feel better, go for the higher ground, look at the vicious cycle and stop talking until you know WHY you’re talking. 🙂
  12. Punishment and Suffering or giving up Martyrdom/Victimization: Forget the handcuffs unless they’re furry (HA!)! Taking responsibility for our lives gives us the freedom to create, even if there is pain attached to it, we choose the HOW we want to see it. Be playful in any situation (good, bad, sick, sad or ugly) no matter what and don’t take it personally! HAVE FUN!!!!!
  13. Guilt, Worry, Excuses….this is a triad of hell. Guilt motivates inauthentic actions as we try to rid ourselves of it. Worry–what’s gonna happen will happen. Excuses–the things we tell others and ourselves, so we can stay stuck in the comfort zone of the living dead. F**K all of them and BE FREE! 

A date..

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I was sharing this with a friend last week and thought I’d write it here.

I’ve been divorced for years and ran hiding for several of those years from any sort of serious commitment (even though I did live with someone). I’d say I’m thankful, this was the case–because I apparently needed all those lessons about myself, ones that included a lot of pain and a lot of struggle.

I am pretty happy being single these days and so, I decided to go on a date.

This meant applying make-up and wearing a top that matched my pants (rather than my wonderful workout wear I run around in most days), in fact the thought of gussying myself up, almost made me cancel…can you say l-a-x? 😉

Now, I don’t picture my future with 12 cats as my steadfast companions; I’d like to be partnered up! Single or in a relationship, my attitude is life is short, so it’s time for lotsa travel, fun and exploration in this world.

And really, intimacy, sure does sound nice!

So, I set an intention. I actually set it across the board in my life. I realized I had been a world class struggler! If there was a challenge….boy oh boy, sign my ass up!

I decided my intention was to only enter dating and relationships (and life) if it was easy; came to me with ease, consistency and stability. Meaning, it requires absolutely no struggle. Even though I’m lazy about getting dressed up, once I do it, I love it!! Why? Because I love my boots!! And the date after all, was supplying me with a chance to wear them. 😉

I met this dude for the date at a wine store tasting.

I knew intuitively even before arriving that I needed to not focus on if he was gonna be a “superstar” and really just take notice of what I liked or learned.

It was meant to be a short date, a meet and greet, if you will. Thanksgiving was arriving and with it the hustle and bustle, so we agreed to keep it short.

I met the guy at the door, he had already ordered himself up a glass of wine…he still was shaky, but did manage a smile and a difficult hug (ease?).

What did I like so far?

That this wine store had “WINE.

Secondly, I liked the ambiance.

He walked me around and said he had a wine group he hosted there, enough so that the owner came over to us. Found the third thing I liked, 2 of the three owners own one of my fave wine places in Silverlake.

First thing I learned, was just because someone has their name on a wine label as an importer, doesn’t actually mean he’s an authority on what actually tastes good.

I fell in love more with Castelvetrano olives, once again!

Learned not all Beaujolais Nouveau are created the same…hmmm, what else?

My date explained how he brewed his own beer and now he loves wine. No more beer brewing for him. his reasons were many, starting with his ex-wife. She bought him his first brewing kit and decided she hated the smell of beer brewing, which he mentioned with a bit of disdain. Hmmm. He said beer brewing was a bit frustrating, cuz you get one little speck of yeast in it or your bottles smell like bleach and you’re screwed.

I also liked tasting one of my favorite things: manchego cheese.  

Now I did pay attention to how the conversation flowed or didn’t in this case.

We had hiking in common. That was good. Ummm….what else?

After talking to the sommelier, I learned I may just embark on a new hobby, becoming a sommelier!!!  “How fun!” Perhaps, I could become a level 1 or 2 just to take my curious self on a new adventure!

Anyone wanna join me?

So..as you can see, I learned A LOT and I liked A LOT.

I’ve learned to take a chance by saying yes, even when I much prefer staying in my yoga pants! I always know I’ll learn something or find something to like, and my date did teach me a couple of things too! He was a nice guy, just not for me and with my intention of ease, our conversation and the no chemistry meant, without a doubt, it did not fall into that category.

It still wasn’t a bad way to spend an hour. 🙂

Relationships and the Comfort Zone

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I was speaking with a friend last week.

He has been married for the past 10 years. We had one of those, “let’s catch-up conversations.”

Our talk meandered in the direction of long term marriages in your 40s. He explained to me that the shared belief among he and his friends, is that marriage is about being comfortable.

Sex once a month to perhaps, 5-6 times a year is the norm for them; marriage is not about excitement, or getting along with your spouse, because that requires honest communication. It’s about the comfort of the routine, some companionship, shared childcare and the financial contribution of two working adults.

He then veered onto the subject of a book, which studied human beings in America in past centuries, when life expectancy was much lower. The average couple was together about 10 years, before one of them kicked the bucket. The surviving spouse might get remarried or not, the point is hardly anyone was married for 50-60 years.

What did all this talk about relationships that are comfortable and boring, BUT lack a best friendship, true connection, real lover, supporter, mean to me?

Excuses.

It was all about excuses to remain in his comfort zone.

We can build a HUGE case for what we settle for in this life. We’ll look for others to back our case, books, friends, authorities or whomever that tells us,” it’s okay to be here!”

My friend mentioned a fear he has: the regret that on his dying day, he’s afraid he won’t have truly lived.

It won’t be about the amazing vacation he did or didn’t take, it’ll be about the opportunities for true happiness, love and fulfillment that he chucked to the side. And believe me, he feels a sense of urgency! As he related to me his concern over peers that lately have been passing away, unexpectedly.

It’s still not enough for him to take a risk. He keeps pushing down his true feelings that something is wrong and sticking with his comfort zone.

When we can’t separate our needs from our neediness; we purposely stay in situations, which don’t allow us to shine (It’s not about signs of outward success–remember, we can escape into our work.), because they take all of our energy to just remain and stay the same.

People who fall into this comfort zone in their relationships have the same fears as many of us, but have a BIGGER FEAR of failure than those that take a risk toward true happiness.

We humas beings can be creatures of comfort and habit.

When we have a strong desire for security, leaving behind our familiar routine and relationship may seem tomfoolery.

Not wanting to end up alone or the seeming impossibility of finding someone else to put up with our idiosyncrasies, may seem daunting to some.

Some people stay because they haven’t worked through their limiting beliefs around a relationship. They may remain with someone who treats them badly, because somewhere inside it’s what they believe they deserve.

All reasons mentioned here or not, come back to one common denominator: FEAR.

The comfort zone offers us the same life, day in and day out…..

It keeps us victims of our CHOSEN circumstances.

We stay in our LIMITING stories of who we think we are and what we believe we are capable of….and AGAIN, I don’t mean what looks successful to others. It’s what FEELS and is fulfilling to us that we eschew, when we look to please someone else, even if it’s an invisible entity we look to for approval or to compete.

No one, and I mean no one can unstick us from our emotional commitment to settling.

What we do regularly within a relationship, helps us maintain the zone. Swallowing our truth, not telling our mate the real feelings we experience and walking on eggshells are all part of it….

The biggest obstacle is US.

It’s how we cut ourselves off from knowing our joy, finding our passion, put off connection and effectively kill our dreams. It’s not about winning the race or being the richest when the driver is not from OUR sense of joy; it’s about getting real and getting rid of our own smoke and mirrors.

I’m going to continue writing this week on getting out of our comfort zone step by step in a relationship, so if you’re ready to put your seatbelt on and free yourself to FEEL to experience a sense of giddiness to accomplishing your dreams then stay tuned!

 

 

 

Award Shows and Such…Sigh.

Loew's Jersey Theatre, Jersey City, NJ, 6/6/09 - 8 of 9I still love cartoons. Take me to a Bugs Bunny Film Fest any day and I’m sold!!!

Though,I don’t keep track of Hollywood stars or movies.

I go to the movies once in a great while.

The last one I saw was Horrible Bosses with my kids in 2011 and before that Bridesmaids and even before that, it was The King’s Speech–love that movie!

I love to laugh at stupid, slapstick stuff til my stomach hurts.

There is a point, I’m getting to here.

I’ve no interest in award shows or anything of the ilk, unless I personally know someone receiving an award, then I’m all about it–I’m your biggest cheerleader!

So, the Oscars and the hoopla surrounding it, got me thinking a bit about the influence on our culture from celebrity.

I was invited to attend the Oscars one year and I thought it sounded like the most boring thing I could endeavor to do. (Yes, I’m in the minority, but those 3 hours of my life could be better spent watching grass grow)

I personally don’t have a fascination with other people’s lives, especially ones I will never meet.

I’m also one of those people completely turned off by the pandering to celebrity of any type in our country. They’re just people too.

I understand it’s human nature to idolize, place others above us or believe them to be far more fascinating than we see ourselves. Our history going back “more than the centuries I can count,” have shown our penchant for adoration we give to others.

The reasons we fall into fascination of love or hate of an individual who is personally unknown to us or perhaps known, but popular, falls into one of the following categories:

  1. We don’t want to pay attention to our own inner lives. 
  2. We believe celebrity is far more interesting, better, happier, successful, beautiful, etc…than ourselves. 
  3. Talking about, gossiping or discussing celebrity may make us feel superior, especially when they screw up. 
  4. It’s a point of connection with others, without the ability to appear knowledgeable on the topic, we may not have anything to contribute to a conversation or we’re not part of the group.

It’s not to say that watching an award show means you’re ignoring your inner demons or your problems, no, on the contrary, the occasional escape from reality is a welcome respite. That’s what movies are for, right?

Watching an awards show doesn’t automatically mean you’re waiting to find failed moments or actresses’ dresses to criticize. Although, for those that do and say it’s fun….why’s it fun? 

The categories I mention, don’t just apply to celebrity, it applies to anything outside of ourselves, which we give power to, obsess about or in which, “we get lost in” that has no real value or positive impact on our own lives.

Entertainment is meant to take us away from the “present,” taking our minds to another place.

Inherently, there’s nothing wrong with it. Court jester anyone?

1) We don’t want to pay attention to our own inner lives. 

When we’re continuously running from our emotional pain or anxiety, instead of dealing with ourselves, it digs us deeper into our hole. A hole we try to fill outside by ignoring the inside. Celebrity fascination can give us a small sense of fulfillment as we watch their trials, tribulations and successes from afar, yet feel tied into it, as though we have a stake in it somehow.

2) We believe celebrity is far more interesting, better, happier, successful, beautiful, etc…than us. 

Some people think they’re boring, failures , etc…and that others are far more savvy. We give the power to the celebrity, the CEO, the politician…basically anyone who seems to have a leg up on how to live this life right (none of us were given an instruction manual; remember, appearances are deceiving), so we look to them to be our instruction manual.

Ain’t nobody a better guide on how to live than your very own GUT. Your intuition…”YOU” have all the answers for you.

3)Talking about, gossiping or discussing celebrity may make us feel superior, especially when they screw up. 

You know misery loves company, right? We love to see the bright and shiny fall, to become human, one of us. We look for things to bring them down to our level, never realizing there is NO level.

When we feel insecure, we may put others down, bringing them to a place where we can deal.

We’re human beings. We’re all fucked up, period. Embrace your own “fu–ed-up” stuff and you’ll stop wondering, worrying, thinking or gossiping about people you know or don’t know…they’ll just be regular peeps, like you.

4) It’s a point of connection with others, without the ability to appear knowledgeable on the topic, we may not have anything to contribute to a conversation or we’re not part of the group.

I’m a natural pain in the ass, always questioning and skipping to the strings of my own guitar…so, I find other ways to connect to people. Deeper, caring ways and funny, lighthearted ways too. Not being in the know, is okay. Being out of the loop is cool. And not giving a shit about what isn’t real, is mighty fine too.

LOVE YOURSELF. YOUR POINT OF CONNECTION IS LOVE.

The Way of Imperfection

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Somewhere in time….a long, long time ago.

I mistakenly got on the path to perfection. Don’t know if it was a right turn or a left turn. I didn’t realize it back then, I just assumed it was the way to love and acceptance.

It was the way to finding out “perfection” had nothing to do with love and acceptance. Being “perfect,” or I should say trying to be in the eyes of others, may win you a trophy and some money, but not much else in the form of emotional fulfillment.

When I realized that keeping the floorboards clean with a toothbrush, making sure I never made a mistake (and when I did–beating myself up), and other assorted torture-inducing activities; I stopped.

Clean floorboards? Okay, once in awhile, I’m not big on dust.

Mistakes? Make them. All the time. the more mistakes you make, the more you are guaranteed you are ALIVE and doing something with yourself!

To be loved and accepted, be yourself. All the time. Be you, in each and every way that shows your essence. Love yourself as flawed as you are and guaranteed, someone(s) else will too.

Ensuring imperfection is easy, and if you need a little help coming up with ways to let it all hang out, no worries. Here are other things that you can do to make you lovably imperfect:

  • Dripping or dropping a bit of your lunch down the front of you.
  • Laughing wholeheartedly at nothing.
  • Laughing wholeheartedly, because you’re happy or thought of something funny.
  • Admitting to each and every insecurity you have–it’s fun! And it lets everyone else chime in with their “stuff.”
  • Tripping over the non-existent bump on the sidewalk
  • Wearing your shirt inside out
  • Wearing two different shoes (yes, I have done this, actually I’ve done all of these)
  • Saying something completely inappropriate, but it is what everyone in the room is dying to say
  • Rolling out of bed, not brushing your hair and meeting your friends for breakfast (no hair needs to be in place, though you may want to brush your teeth–for their sake)
  • Discuss bodily functions, we all have em’ and sometimes they’re accidentally acted upon(or purposely) in front of others.
  • Talk about who you are, not what you do with strangers…let them get to know you!
  • Cry.
  • Share music you listen to or tv you watch, that you are somewhat embarrassed to share.
  • HAVE FUN!!!
  • Accept others as they are.

Those were just a few ideas, but really, let down your hair and relax. Perfection is nonexistent and life gets so much easier when you remove the idea that you have to “appear” a certain way.Confidence comes from being imperfect; loving yourself in your own skin. Perfection will always create the grounds for insecurities, because it is a n impossible and subjective ideal.

No one cares if you are perfect, but they’ll totally love you to bits the more imperfect you are….especially when you own it!!

 

 

The Believing Project, trucking on down the road

We’re now three weeks on the journey in “believing“. Some days I believe my intentions will become a reality and other days I find more likelihood in being an astronaut.  Believing requires my participation, moving out of my comfort zone, yet not forcing or settling for less than I truly deserve. Playing it safe is not allowed. To be clear, I’m talking about my comfort zone emotionally– I won’t be skydiving anytime soon!

Vulnerability has become my friend over the years–honesty is a BIG relief; I don’t invest in fairy tales.

Believing is not mimicking or achieving a fairy tale. It is a force of nature beyond myself, one that I intuitively feel on a deeper level, knowing these things will manifest. Only my brain blocks the way, when it takes me down memory lane, showing me HOW things didn’t work out in the past.

I’ve been clearing away the driftwood for a long time, resulting in my connection to love, kindness, happiness and just juicy living, which eventually wins over the old voices wanting me back in the cocoon.

I have been divorced for years. My journey began with wanting inner peace. I can attest at that time it’s not “where I was, who I was nor did I have a clue how to just “be”…  I was a perfectionist, stubborn, intellect was were I operated from ALWAYS;  I was prepared for almost any outcome.  And my heart? It was firmly buried beneath layers of protection, expectations, disappointment, false beliefs, depression– you  name it! All of these made for a pretty thick wall that I had no idea I had built.

Disappointment was my roommate, because I couldn’t deal with it for years. My disappointment in myself, others or things just not working out, made it impossible for me to ever shut off that inner critic. I remember trying to filter out anything that would make me feel bad. All forms of communication: email, phone, in-person. I couldn’t bear hearing I made a mistake or let someone down. I wore a steel armor to keep a critical friend from critiquing me, telling me what was wrong with me. And endings? Forget that-I could barely commit to a beginning! Not getting the job or losing one – I ran from these things!!

Anxiety and depression had hold of me for years. Perfection reigned, after all if I was holding up all corners of the tent and performing in the circus who could complain?

I had no idea what it meant to have my own goals of success. I had borrowed concepts from others, society, friends, parents; but had none of my own.  I didn’t trust myself  to dig deep and act on what I truly wanted for me. What if I “looked” like a  failure?

I should also mention I excelled at self-sabotage. I worked hard, but never felt like I fit in or deserved success (whatever that meant). It took me years and a lot of falling down to figure out who I was, what I actually wanted and to “be” just to “be” me. I had a major excavation project with getting thru the layers of bricks I’d built around my heart.

Today, I feel like a kid, free, happy and carefree.  There is still the “me”, who struggles with the remains of being a recovering perfectionist. Even though anxiety rarely pops up nowadays and depression is more of a memory  it has been pointed out to me by two people who are very close to me, I’m still hard on myself. That is something I make small choices about many times a day, when I find myself becoming rigid, I try to relax myself physically and tell myself that I am doing what I can and that is all I am willing to do, period. It helps!

Everyday I make it a point to be kind to myself (even if I’m having an off day), not hold high expectations of what “I”  alone can accomplish; I reach out and ask for help, trust that all will be well and continue to not necessarily welcome disappointment, but I don’t run from it, because I am far more resilient. An oft-repeated phrase, this too shall pass, is an absolute truth.

I  believe I can have the existence I want for myself.  I can see clearly where I want to be, its been there for years; I just wore really dark sunglasses while I took the scenic route. I am always aware now. I don’t control timing, situations or other people and so, for now, as I continue to believe and be open to what the Universe brings into my life, I am letting go more and HAVING FUN!

I appreciate my life, but still have times when I don’t …

All of us human beings, enlightened and unenlightened get to experience the full realm of emotions, issues and inner voices too. We all deserve the life we want, so just believe it can happen for you! No matter how far you or I come on our journey, there is always something in us (big or small), that needs acceptance, to be loved, and told its “okay”, its time to take off and fly; let go and be.