Shame On Me; Shame On You.

Shame just sucks.

It can keep us playing small indefinitely.

We may be loving our NEW choice and then we’re reminded of how we aren’t good enough, failed or have not lived up to some self-imposed expectation. We then may stop doing what we have decided to do…and instead retreat back to the safety of what is known.

If we really want to live, we must take risks…and we must try again, and sometimes what has failed in the past must be re-visited and taken on again.

Shame can deter us, take our confidence and make us search out the opinions’ of others who will reinforce the shame. They may want to keep us safe or fear we may not need them anymore or because they themselves would be too fearful to go in the direction we are headed; they may push our SHAME buttons.

The key is to hear the voice, understand why it is pushing us to stop, hide or ditch our efforts. When we know the reason, we can clearly see that shame is of the past, not the present. Each day is a brand new slate to begin, so we can choose what we’re going to do … even if shame is beating us down. 🙂

Watch my video that goes into shame and what you can do to stop it.

Risk…the craziness.

Risk is a 4 letter word that should be repeated daily and acted upon regularly.

I’m at a crossroads. And I know others who are facing a major decision, two or three.

The odds are both against me and for me at this point in my life.

The choice of playing small in what appears safe vs. taking the risk of going BIG. 

I started writing this as I prepared for a job interview.

Depending on who you ask in my life, the support from others is both for and against it; the decision comes down to the trust I have in “me” to NOT stay in a vicious circle of playing small.

I’m desperate in circumstances, but not in who I am and what I want for myself.

As for the job, it’s symbolic. I know what will be required of me. I’ll be busy more than 40 hours a week, not doing what I love; it’ll create an imbalance in my life and put my goals on hold. Income is the bait, will I bite? 

The job is not my career path or in my life goals.

It requires a sacrifice of my business.

It’ll be the culmination of my work over the past few years; gone, given up. It means the newest branch of my business will never see the light of day. It’s a major opportunity lost.

Do I stay with my newest “just about to launch”product, which has garnered professional interest by a couple of parties OR commit to something that says, “I give up on my dream.” Does it mean the term, “Safe, but sorry?”

The immediate gratification of a paycheck will be lost, when I stand in this place again in a year, two or three, because I made a short term choice. I’ll be older, full of more regret and excuses to immobilize me; will I be wiser?

The thing is “risk,” is calling my name.

And as crazy, and I mean crazy as it sounds right now, it’s what my soul is leaning toward. I’m in the process of losing almost everything; the stress of major life issues converging at once has placed me at the crossroads.

And that is the kicker.

I almost don’t care about the loss.

Playing small has worn on me.

Taking the safe route is a soul killer, because the someday you think the stars will align and everything will be perfect, so you can take your leap of faith, never comes.

You have to make IT happen.

When a client or friend, says the word, “someday,” to me; I’ve to stop myself from screaming, “Don’t be afraid, do it now!” We feed ourselves so many excuses to play small. We’re afraid of our own success, unless it accidentally happens to us.

And I don’t mean success suffering at a job you hate, or a relationship that keeps you down.

Please don’t tell me that suffering like a martyr toward a someday fantasy, will pay off in a reward. It may in what you learn, but there’s no reward in “staying stuck.”

What I mean is doing what YOU love and achieving that fulfillment.

No one is going to stand on a corner in Hollywood in front of a drugstore, where some dude walks up and says, “Hey, I can make you a movie star,” and *poof* you’re rich and famous. No, you gotta commit, work at it and take uncomfortable steps beyond your own limitations to make it happen.

And when all circumstances around you are telling you to quit and give up the dream, that is when you have to dig deeper.

In my case, I wake up some days, with the demons in my head. One of my friends has listened to my morning venting, she tells me I’ve a habit of talking, clearing it out and then I move on through the rest of my day–focused on the goal. I’m thankful she’s there.

When I get stuck, I ask myself, “If I give up now, how will I feel?” 

And then I push the courage button, “Okay, let’s go, bring it on!” I’m not hiding out, I can and will get through “this time.” As a friend said, “It is only a moment in time.”

I look at people who failed not just once, but several times, such as Walt Disney, Henry Ford, Mr.Macy and the guy who owns Tom’s Shoes.

When I’m older, do I want to look back at a mundane existence or instead, see the adventure, the experiences, the learning and fulfillment I received as I lived from my heart and soul?

If life is not about experiences, what is it?

We are afraid of the “what if.” 

Fear can make you decide against yourself.

Every time.

It’s clever in its disguise. The words practical, “the right thing,” secure, selfless, confusion, sacrifice and others, actually mean fear. Telling yourself that it isn’t fear, so you don’t feel like you’re giving up, is flat out being dishonest with yourself.

At least if you’re going to use the words above, just admit to yourself that you’re afraid. It’s much easier, to see it “truthfully,” no matter what you decide. And at least knowing it is FEAR that rules your decisions, you won’t feel as bad or maybe it’ll spur you on to take a crazy risk.

Emotional risk is where it’s at, financial risk is just the diving board.

Taking risk is having faith in yourself and a greater power that YOU DESERVE happiness, fulfillment, success and other emotional benefits.

It’s how you feel through your life that matters; when you feel courageous breaking through your own barriers of what you believe you can do….its when the “living” starts.

I know what I’m gonna do, I’m on the diving board. How about you?

 

 

Can I have your approval…please?

Painting by Chagall

What would you be doing right now?

Or…

Who would be your partner?

Or…

Where would you be living, if you had listened to your heart?

Maybe you’d be here.

Life is never perfect, so why do our expectations reflect the desire for perfection from our decisions in the personal parts of our life?

Do we believe we’ll  finally make the magical decision, in which the stars align?

Maybe for a moment, but it’s usually followed by some unforeseen hardship or pain that we did not anticipate, which may have us thinking we made a bad decision. (Again)

No matter what way you choose, you’ll hit a RED LIGHT somewhere, a glitch in our perfect image of a spectacular outcome. It is life.

Find yourself making a decision with your head? You’re probably seeking approval.

When we make a decision from OUR heart, we’re more really connected to it and bear disapproval.

Yep! Approval, validation, I’m okay, smart, balanced, mature and not a f—k-up! It’s what we search from gaining a group consensus; follow the rules of others, do the right thing (according to who?), over-think, over-analyze, get stuck with indecision or fear, and second-guess ourselves.

Approval?

Do you approve of me?

It might be an invisible entity whose approval you seek?

Getting permission from people to approve of what you want to do, can feel like a matter of life and death. Sometimes we need to hear, “It’s not a crazy idea” or perhaps, we want to hear “Are you nuts?!!” 

We ask, even when we already know what we’re going to do, crazy or not!

In taking a poll though, we don’t trust ourselves, especially listening to our head, not our heart. Fear of ANOTHER bad decision, we can’t be trusted, so going along with what someone recommends, leads us to believe it’s a sure bet!

BUT….

Unless the decision agrees with our heart, we will regret that choice. If we went along to get along, chances are we needed approval.

It’s those pesky childhood beliefs; telling us we’re incapable, stupid, a loser, not to be trusted and always, always failing at something, it undermines the very life we want to live.

Recognize those old voices for exactly what they are, you can choose to ignore their command and make a decision for yourself, which “feels” right.

Approval from others is fickle, subjective and untrustworthy, it’s based on their experiences, opinions and perception.

Making a decision without consulting with your friends, family or the National Enquirer? Uh-oh!

Afraid to tell others, because someone will give you a hard time or make you feel bad? Ugh!

Can you stand behind your decision, your commitment and let it speak louder, so your peeps are supportive? YES?

In gaining a consensus, we my fear going against it to do what we really want. Can you recall times you DID the right thing only to realize it was a HUGE mistake? Yeah, me too.

It is not worth the price anymore.

I’d love everyone to agree with all of my decisions, but it’s not possible. I’d love to please the world, but only in taking care of my well-being.

It is just not possible to live happily and confidently, if I worry about approval. Worry means I won’t follow my heart when making a decision.

I have watched miracles happen in situations, where my head is telling me to be a jerk, close a door or be stubborn and instead, I opened my heart wider.

Some tough decisions originate from our heart.

Staying or going based on what we need to do can be tough. Dig deep, find your truth, even your hard decisions will become solid.

Self-love means doing what’s right for us without compromise. Make decisions with full confidence no matter what the result, because it’s your truth.

Results are related to our growth, it feeds our well-being. Second guessing means our head is searching for approval, and often when we live our truest, happiest existence it is way beyond the approval of others.

Interested in taking this a step further? Sign up for a free discovery session today.

 

“Choices” the first post

We are a compendium of exquisite qualities that create the entire contents of each of us human beings.

Inside of us, we are well-done and rare; black and white, yin and yang, rough and smooth, pretty and ugly, light and dark–we are everything in this world and its opposite.

Yep, us humans are a contradiction in terms of what makes up the “whole” of us. You can’t pretend certain qualities of you can be ignored or disowned. It  is a difficult feat to continually perform every night in the crowd-pleaser revue as the lead actor , what do you do for an encore?

Many people are not even conscious of the energy involved in hiding the less appealing parts of themselves, so that they will be liked and accepted by others. It really doesn’t work for many reasons. In dismissing certain elements of yourself for ones that seem more positive, you aim for perfection, an impossible goal. And no matter how hard you try to possess only pristine characteristics, you probably won’t gain many fans. On top of it, you experience a lack of fulfillment and a deep degree of unhappiness. It would seem to be WAY, WAY easier to accept all of you–every nook and cranny of your being. Acceptance leads to falling deeper in love with yourself. It can be easier said than done when it comes to breaking old habits, which keep our authentic self from being seen by others.

As you may already know, we bond with people over their imperfections rather than their perfection. We share a common humanity and it is good to recognize in each other what exactly makes us so human.

I stopped making most of my choices based on what I thought would please other people a long time ago.

Once in a while, I catch myself making a choice having nothing to do with my happiness, in fact I may disregard my feelings entirely. But my perception requires me to believe in making this choice, because I will make another person happy. Funny, how setting out to make someone else happy, usually backfires–the other person doesn’t fully appreciate the effort or they aren’t doing anything to feed their own happy wagon, so its like feeding a black hole–its never enough! When I’ve made a choice that isn’t in my own truth, I try not to make myself feel worse by criticizing myself. I try to be kind to “myself” and realize I made an error or mistake in judging the personal cost to me. And usually, if given another opportunity, I will make a different choice, one that is from a more honest place inside of me. If I stay the course from my heart, my own truth, the part of me not attached to an outcome or manipulation…I am happier no matter what the result.

I know for me, it is a constant reminder to remain aware of my thoughts. I have to remain very cognizant of the words/actions that I take in making decisions, from big to small…they all count. It is a diligent effort with a HUGE payoff. Seems like hard work? Well, it is and it isn’t. Instead of giving that same amount of  energy to repetitive or negative thoughts and patterns, which keep me stuck; I instead, take that same energy and apply it to awareness.

I pay attention to what I do and how I feel doing it! 

It allows me to change my mind about what I was intending to do, by making completely different choices.

Let’s say I am tired from working all week and I really wanna stay home, watch a movie and go to sleep. Sounds good, and it’s easy, right? Yeah, well I may as well call it a lifetime and take the next train out of here, especially if I do this every single week. Now, the new choice entails me stepping out of my comfort zone. Instead of staying home every Friday night, because it is easy, I decide to attend a party one night .The party includes many lovely people I really love and an opportunity to connect with them, laughing and having fun! It seems it would be an obvious decision to make, friends and love vs. staleness (although I’d be a well-rested curmudgeon), but not in this case. Why? Because I am conditioned to automatically say “no”, to stepping out of my comfort zone. “Me” go out when I prefer to just go to bed, that can be a hard habit to break, especially when I am not even conscious that I may be avoiding something by not going out and engaging with others. It’s one of my favorite quandaries. And the one which requires me to be very mindful, applying a deeper degree of awareness, because it is insidious….

It’s very clear that I’ve spent years saying “no” to something, because I know from a past experience what “may” happen. Even though, we can never be sure that the past would indicate what will take place in the present. I know that I prefer the safe and comfortable route, regardless if it makes me unhappy. That good ol’ tried and true is the path to staleness and boredom. Now when I catch myself saying “no” automatically to something; I stop myself and ask “why not?” What is the worst thing that may happen if I say “yes”?   So, I blurt out a “yes” strap on my astro-pack, fasten my seatbelt , let go of the outcome and enjoy the ride. I’ve learned there are so many experiences I miss out on by saying “no” and the more I say “yes” and trust that all will be okay…the happier I am and the more I appreciate my growing ability to act in my own best interest! Plus–it OPENS up so many opportunities that I would have missed had I stuck to the standard answer of “no”. Another little goody is that I may have great fun in the “present”, which may alter my perception of the same “event” in the past that really sucked. Choices is where it is at…we always have em’ and we can always change our mind (at least 90% of the time).

My next post on choices will cover the times we believe we don’t have a choice in a situation….and like I said, we always have a choice.