Breaking Through Inadequacy

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We all feel inadequate at times.

Perhaps, we’re in a room full of people who appear to know more in some capacity than we do, or a job interview, or a date with someone we think is out of our league, or being caught making a mistake, and so on.

How we see our perceived shortcomings has an impact on our choices.

For some we shrink and hide, looking for sympathy, perhaps wanting others to commiserate with us. Others may love support, a kick in the butt or something, which gives them the gumption to rise out of the dampening effect inadequacy has and go after the life they want.

In having a real desire, we may find ways to tell ourselves, ‘we can’t have it.’ Especially, if it seems out of the realm of ‘our possibilities.’

We may delay, or disregard our desire, because we don’t feel good enough. It doesn’t matter what we’ve accomplished so far, it applies to all of us, in every walk of life.

Many successful people, aren’t following their deeper appetites. Others, who skim the edges of success, may not find the gumption to rise out of victimizing themselves, every time they fall down and just press ‘repeat.’

Who does it serve to allow our inadequacies to hold us back?

I played small, when it came to the truth of who I am. I could do well at certain types of jobs like sales, marketing and management, but to trust the deeper longing of what I wanted, was hard to entertain.

I lacked clarity around knowing….what was my deeper desire? Why did I feel so inadequate, when I saw my life played out in those brief moments of connecting to that desire?

We tend to do what comes easily to us, whether we love it or not. Many of us fall into careers without any foresight; a job was offered and we took it.

Feeling inadequate, leads to comparing ourselves to others; seeing them as more talented, better looking, excelling at something as we stand, not sure to trust our deepest truth.

I’ve written and edited most of my career for different purposes. Whether it was in school, on the job or helping someone out….I was always complimented on my writing. Always.

And do you know what I did? I blew it off.

I used to compare myself to others who appeared far more talented, and instead of compliments feeding me to do more, it made me hold tighter to feeling inadequate and hide.

It didn’t matter that I felt totally in sync with myself while writing, or that I could actually become giddy at the prospect; this freakin’ inadequacy made me feel small when I wrote….and controlled what I was willing to write about too.

Inadequacy leads to staying stuck in bad relationships, jobs, or other commitments, we’ve outgrown or we said ‘yes’ to out of fear. We can do this our entire lives.

Lately, I’ve been questioning what else hides behind any other perceived inadequacies.

Based on my growing unrest with having coached people in and around relationships; I see my own evolution. From the faintest stirring to the overwhelming pull within me… stay where it’s safe? Or, bust out of feeling completely inadequate, and step up to live out my aspirations?

What happens when we allow our inadequacies to rule?

Regret.

We can keep doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a miracle or someone else to find us, dust us off and show us the way…

Or…

Screw the inadequacies and live an ass-kickin’ existence!

Who cares if we’re the best or the worst? In the scheme of things, doing what we really crave can make the opinions of others null and void….plus motivated by passion, people and opportunities come along that would’ve missed us, had we chosen to stay stuck hiding behind our shield of inadequacy.

For clarity and to create action, I’m writing a list of all that I deeply crave, but feels impossible and without rules, I’m doing it!

What about you? What are the inadequacies you feel hold you back? And what are you doing about it?

Please share in the comments below.

 

 

 

 

 

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4 Ways to Become More Confident Now!

No Fucks Given_ 20 Photos of People Not Giving a Fuck | Page 8 | HEAVY

We all have moments where something is making us think we can’t do it or we’re just not good enough.

The longer we stay in that state the more time we have to actually confirm the belief and REALLY the last thing we want to do IS perpetuate those limiting beliefs!

Here are 4 ways to immediately become more confident now.

1. Say f**k it. Just say it….breathe it in and realize there ain’t nothing that’s so much bigger than you or me, which requires any of us to stay small. If we don’t bring home the prize this time, life doesn’t end…there’s always opportunity, so the more you, me and everyone else says f**k it….the more we all stay open to ALOT more OPPORTUNITIES!!

2. Detach from all outcomes. We can’t control them anyway, so why do we get down on ourselves when things don’t go exactly as planned? Be in the moment with your eye on what you’d like to create or build more of, but don’t get hooked into it happening in a certain way or fitting into a picture of how you believe the final picture needs to look.

3. Stop picking yourself apart and be cool with you, as you are….as in, when you’re comfortable in your own skin no matter what’s happening, that is true confidence. Make a mistake? Handle it with grace, by being kind to yourself…showing yourself respect and value. Learn, grow and embrace where you are right now. The minute you relax and accept yourself, people will notice the difference….and most of all you’ll feel it!

4. No one is better than you. Sure, someone may have more knowledge or experience on a subject or a situation, but that doesn’t mean you have to compare yourself to them. You are where you are…and that’s okay.  You may want to be somewhere else with more experience under your belt, but that is another day. It’s far more easier to JUST BE HERE in TODAY and not worry about anyone else or what you don’t know…..forget the competition, focus on you, learn from what is around you and go for what will take you where you want to go…just remember you are okay just as you are and where you are!

Expectations the Relationship Killer

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Expectations can be like insect repellant, sprayed at a moment’s notice without any forewarning.

To be clear, I am not talking about expectations, such as: loving one another, loyalty, respect, or any of the basic ways we human beings get along in our relationships.

I’m not just limiting this to “romantic relationships,” I’m talking about ALL relationships.

I’m a recovering people pleaser. It takes a lot of awareness and detachment to see where my motivation starts, when I do a kindness or reciprocate to others.

So, any time someone tells me I possess any sort of negative characteristic, my initial reaction is to start to “go there.” Meaning, it must be my fault–I didn’t please them. And then, thankfully, within moments….I realize I’m personalizing someone else’s stuff.

I’m not perfect, live on a pedestal or claim superiority in anyway, just the opposite–I’m human.

I can’t control someone else’s thoughts or feelings and therefore it’s not my responsibility to put them under my magic spell of pleasing them, at the detriment to my own feelings.

Unfortunately, if the other person has limited or no self-awareness, it may actually end the relationship, when I don’t show up how I’m supposed to fit their picture.

Why? If we actually own our feelings and of what works for ourselves and what doesn’t, we also know we cannot possibly make someone else happy….

I’ve come to find that in relationships, people often have unspoken expectations…they believe others should think like them and therefore know their thoughts too. 

We’re expected to KNOW what triggers the other person’s insecurities, because this person isn’t communicating their issues, they’re just busy reacting to them.

If the other person sees themselves as martyr/victim (I do everything for everyone and they just crap on me), is a complainer, or a fixer or just plain has outrageous expectations that they never share…or perhaps they say nasty things in a text, but in person are as sweet as can be…can leave us wondering, because we can’t figure out if they’re mad or we just don’t know how to read!

That is of course, until the bug repellant spray is spewed–making it a difficult relationship road to navigate.It’s also a form of passive-aggressiveness.

Relationships take two to tango, both parties are responsible for what they bring to the plate, no one has a right to dump their crap on someone else. The more we own our stuff, the more confident we are and the more we stand in our own truth.

The more we blame others, look outside and don’t look inside…the more pain we’ll live in as nothing outside of us has the power to change our internal beliefs about ourselves and the world.

I had a friend at one point, who I asked to write a piece for my blog, it was to be inspirational and motivating…

What she sent me was a piece on how she had a horrible childhood, everyone around her was responsible for it and how she was an innocent. Makes sense, right?

Well, it continued with her stating how she grew up and was still wide-eyed with innocence, but didn’t trust anyone, everyone screwed her over. She felt people would always disappoint her and yet, she would persevere, by being a martyr.

Needless to say, I couldn’t use the post on here, because there was no place where someone could connect positively to her story. It didn’t serve to help anyone, it just told her woeful tale and one, in which she took no responsibility for her life or relationships.

We had a parting of the ways not long after that over something that had to do with this exact topic, unspoken expectations and triggering those EXACT insecurities. I came to a point where I could no longer have people like this in my close circle of friends. Someone who took no responsibility for their feelings, beliefs and emotions, but instead threw them at everyone around her.

I illustrate this picture, because if you’re in a relationship with anyone who doesn’t communicate their expectations, there is a way to navigate these waters; as long as both parties are interested in investing in a true relationship.

First, both parties have to commit to honesty. This doesn’t mean blaming the other party for our feelings, it means talking about triggers, expectations and creating an understanding. It doesn’t mean we’ll never be disappointed; it means two mature adults should be able to discuss it.

Second, never use words to put someone else down to make ourselves feel superior. All this does is escalate the drama, put the other person on the defense and highlight how insecure one feels about themselves when they feel the need to put someone else down.

Third, share personal boundaries. Create an awareness, don’t use ESP or passive/aggressiveness as an escape from setting boundaries. Assuming is never a happy outcome.

Fourth, be responsible. OWN YOUR SHIT. If we feel something…it’s ours. If we perceive something…it’s ours. If we want to force the other person to change or accommodate our STUFF, forget it! When we own it, we get the gift of clarity, confidence, healthy and happy relationships too.

The Way of Imperfection

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Somewhere in time….a long, long time ago.

I mistakenly got on the path to perfection. Don’t know if it was a right turn or a left turn. I didn’t realize it back then, I just assumed it was the way to love and acceptance.

It was the way to finding out “perfection” had nothing to do with love and acceptance. Being “perfect,” or I should say trying to be in the eyes of others, may win you a trophy and some money, but not much else in the form of emotional fulfillment.

When I realized that keeping the floorboards clean with a toothbrush, making sure I never made a mistake (and when I did–beating myself up), and other assorted torture-inducing activities; I stopped.

Clean floorboards? Okay, once in awhile, I’m not big on dust.

Mistakes? Make them. All the time. the more mistakes you make, the more you are guaranteed you are ALIVE and doing something with yourself!

To be loved and accepted, be yourself. All the time. Be you, in each and every way that shows your essence. Love yourself as flawed as you are and guaranteed, someone(s) else will too.

Ensuring imperfection is easy, and if you need a little help coming up with ways to let it all hang out, no worries. Here are other things that you can do to make you lovably imperfect:

  • Dripping or dropping a bit of your lunch down the front of you.
  • Laughing wholeheartedly at nothing.
  • Laughing wholeheartedly, because you’re happy or thought of something funny.
  • Admitting to each and every insecurity you have–it’s fun! And it lets everyone else chime in with their “stuff.”
  • Tripping over the non-existent bump on the sidewalk
  • Wearing your shirt inside out
  • Wearing two different shoes (yes, I have done this, actually I’ve done all of these)
  • Saying something completely inappropriate, but it is what everyone in the room is dying to say
  • Rolling out of bed, not brushing your hair and meeting your friends for breakfast (no hair needs to be in place, though you may want to brush your teeth–for their sake)
  • Discuss bodily functions, we all have em’ and sometimes they’re accidentally acted upon(or purposely) in front of others.
  • Talk about who you are, not what you do with strangers…let them get to know you!
  • Cry.
  • Share music you listen to or tv you watch, that you are somewhat embarrassed to share.
  • HAVE FUN!!!
  • Accept others as they are.

Those were just a few ideas, but really, let down your hair and relax. Perfection is nonexistent and life gets so much easier when you remove the idea that you have to “appear” a certain way.Confidence comes from being imperfect; loving yourself in your own skin. Perfection will always create the grounds for insecurities, because it is a n impossible and subjective ideal.

No one cares if you are perfect, but they’ll totally love you to bits the more imperfect you are….especially when you own it!!

 

 

Teaching People How to Treat Us

Got a complaint? See the round file to the left.

Words.

Words used to convey displeasure with no solution, become words with no meaning.

It’s almost like the drone of ocean waves on your radio, lulling you into a coma. Except when you complain with the hope of change happening, the drone upsets and creates “defensive” drama rather than calm.

Don’t like drama?

Hmmm.

We create it by our response to it, even if it doesn’t begin with us.

Many of us find ourselves in situations at work or our personal life in which we feel confined or flat out, we feel miserable. Sometimes we feel the only strength we have is the power to complain.

And stay stuck.

And continue to teach people it’s okay to treat us in a certain way, which may be disrespectful of our needs, our time or our value.

And no amount of complaining to the source or our friends or family will change the dynamic. 

We find these scenarios over and over again, until we take responsibility and say STOP.

We stop ourselves from the din of our own voice repeating the same thing over and over.

We stop moving backwards and we stand still.

The realization has hit us between the eyes.

Today we understand how much power we have been giving away.

This dawning allows us to see clearly.

We are aware of three reasons we are so angry. The first reason is from our own expectations that a situation or a person should change without us changing too.

And the second reason we are angry, is that it doesn’t change. Our belief that if we were nice, accommodating or silent it would get us what we want; except it NEVER DOES. And so that anger we have basted, stewed and have trouble containing is turned inward on ourselves.

And anger at the self is manifested into some lovely habits of denial, compartmentalizing and numbing out. Some activities, support the numbing, whether it is over-eating, drinking, gambling, shopping or anything which becomes unhealthy, because of the reasons behind it.

And all the while, you may have the veneer that you are just fine. Except you are not.

The third reason is we’re completely lost as to why we allow this dynamic to keep happening in our lives (Part of my job is to help others see the pattern within clearly).

When we allow behaviors, and negative situations to happen, but wait for a miracle, we are abusing ourselves in anticipation of, again, something outside of us changing.

There is no empowerment in trying to control what you CANNOT in your external world.

There’s always a choice, sometimes this choice makes you the most uncomfortable. It’s the one that you put off, put aside and try to avoid and it’s the one you need to choose for your own welfare.

Today you begin. You connect the dots; you see your part as the lead actor in your own play. It is sort of exciting, because it’s a major opportunity.

You get to change your mind, make decisions and do the right thing for you.

I’ve learned in my own life that even though I may be in a precarious position, one in which I need money, love, friendship, work, etc….I have to GIVE UP the need that is killing me!! If I stay ALLOWING my feelings, boundaries, wants and needs to get trampled, I am stuck!

Even though standing for myself is SOOOO hard, it’s actually simpler and happier in the long run.

Everyone is then clear on what I accept, when I act respectful toward myself.

When I do make a different decision, sometimes loss is inevitable. Other times, I receive a major surprise. When making a decision for ME, I’m prepared for there to be a loss and to accept whatever the outcome is in the situation.

When you stop accepting shitty behavior, which doesn’t happen through your words of complaint, people either go away or start to treat you with respect.

Your external actions, non-engagement and change of attitude are what lead you out of this crapp-a-licious pattern.

Your internal recognition of you are the creator of your Universe is important to embrace. It’s up to you, to look at the “feelings” and “emotional obstacles” you’ve placed inside your mind, which make you BELIEVE you DESERVE misery and not happiness.

We tell ourselves some mighty fine stories as to why we stay in a victim or martyr position, thinkin’ we’re doing the right thing for ourselves or someone else…we think it’s the ONLY way.

IT’S NOT!!!

It’s the choice we’re used to making in our lives. When we don’t look inside , but stay focused on the problem outside of us; we don’t get to the root of the issue. This causes pain everyday. EVERYDAY.

I work with clients all the time, who cannot seem to get a handle on a situation. They look at the problem rather than how they are the common denominator in the recurring theme.

Once they start to see their part in the soap opera, a change happens. They see their “story” that they created to keep them living in this limited world.

It’s always an old story from the long ago past.

When teaching people how to treat you, it comes from you treating yourself better. There is no need to be protective or manipulative or victimized.

It’s your change of perception, which changes EVERYTHING.

You no longer see the world through old filters from the LIMITED old story.

You start to set boundaries down with people, even when you’re afraid they can abandon you….and AMAZINGLY, instead of it harming you, it creates confidence and self-esteem.

Well-being becomes the norm for you, when you stop participating in a drama that harms you. If you are interested in chatting with me about this topic, please email me at Tracy@tracycrossley.com