When I hear, “Why Am I So Stupid”

IsTextingGettingYouInTrouble

I say, “It’s because you want to be.”

I’m not trying to sound jerky. The truth is, WE look for situations to fulfill our rather unhealthy beliefs about ourselves, when WE choose not to practice self-awareness.

It’s a choice, because when I hear this statement, it means the ENTIRE focus of my client is clearly on someone else; a person they more than likely care about, in a situation, in which their needs either aren’t met, or their head is played with…not just once or twice, but repetitively.

It comes from believing the opposite of what is actually being shown to them in reality.

When an axe-murderer shows up with an axe….we know that’s an axe-murderer. When the axe-murderer shows up without an axe and roses instead….we may think, “Hmmm…I know this person is an axe-murderer, but gee…they have a dozen roses! Perhaps they’ve changed overnight and are no longer an axe-murderer? Or maybe I’m the only who loves this person enough to change them from killing people to loving people?”

Or whatever crap we feed ourselves.

None of us are really stupid in these instances. We just have some really crappy beliefs about WHO WE ARE that we wanted validated. It’s like saying to the axe-murderer–“Please show me how bad you are, so I know how stupid I am…and at the same time I can blame you for being an axe-murderer, BUT I want you to tell me I’m the only one you’ve ever loved, because I wanna continue to ignore my own axe-murdering tendencies.”

Huh?

When we are attracted to an axe-murderer–perhaps we’re attracted to the numbness in this person which matches our own numbness? Or how about the self-loathing one must feel to be an axe-murderer…..how much self-loathing would we be feeling dating this person?

Now I am using a really far-fetched example, but the truth is when we state how stupid we are…we are looking for validation that we are stupid!

We purposely make the decisions based on this belief and our patterns (which have been years and years in the making) take over keeping us in a cycle with someone that makes us want to scream!

It is not the axe-murderer’s fault. We CHOOSE to keep allowing this person in our lives, because we won’t look inside of ourselves to figure out the connection. We refuse to learn anything, which would help us grow and feel better…we look to this individual who’s clearly incapable of helping us, as our savior.

I hear so often, ” I heard from him/he, after months of no word, what do I do?” or “I heard from him/her, and I answered–why does he/she always do this–why doesn’t he or she just go away?”

 

In the first instance….there’s nothing to do outwardly unless we choose. Meaning, what does it feel like to hear from a person either we’ve put into damnation or placed on a pedestal? It was the other person’s choice to take action by contacting us. We didn’t make the choice….and therefore, unless we feel a need to respond, we don’t have to….we’re not being mean or ignoring them we’re making a choice to not engage, because we weren’t engaging with them before they made contact. Whatever we do–we should always kindly honor ourselves.

And usually…when I hear the second statement…there is no honoring of anyone in it.

In the second instance…..we are playing the game again. The one of strategy. The one to get the crappy belief we have about ourselves validated by someone who clearly cannot even validate their own existence. We have now engaged as the reactor. The person who sent us a message took action they wanted to…and because of that, we feel we must respond….and usually it is calculated. It’s because…. if we don’t we’ll become anxious, obsess about it and doubt ourselves; our value.

If we don’t respond, somehow the value this person is giving us by reaching out, has now vanished. We feel we’re being jerky. Or we still want something that this person refuses to give to us.

None of these statements will ALLOW us to respond in an authentic way…we will manipulate and strategize to get our way. We’ve fallen right back into the cycle again. Nothing has changed. We find the same false hope leading us, which has to do with the other person changing, not us.

If you have uttered “Why Am I SO Stupid,” to yourself this week….email me for a quick 10 minute evaluation consultation–so you can get a few tools to help you to NOT fulfill this cycle again.

 

 

Advertisements

4 Tips on Baby Steps to Change

evians_roller_babies_skate_their_way_on_to_tv

I meet quite a few people looking for their purpose; the meaning of life or why the hell they keep getting stuck in some sort of purgatory either thru situations or relationships, over and over again.

The feeling of unrest, depression, anxiety and whatever else we want to throw on top this cornucopia of muck is enough to drive a person to drink, sleep hours away, exercise excessively or some other extreme leading to numbing out.

The problem doesn’t go away and change needs to happen.

Why do we hold onto crap that just doesn’t work anymore?

  • It’s comfortable, even though we suffer.
  • Change is scary, what will our lives look like?
  • We’ll upset the world around us.
  • What if we fail?
  • What if it’s the wrong choice, career, relationship, etc…?

Sometimes people get to the point where they can’t take it anymore, so they do something drastic. The issue with “drastic,” is that it may not last. If we’re not truly ready, there’ll be some falling off, moving backwards, sideways and a repeating of old patterns.

Drastic can work if you have been focused on making change for a long time. If you’ve been readying yourself to get a divorce, change careers, get married, commit to a cause, volunteer your time, take on a new hobby, etc… and usually, it isn’t really all that drastic in hindsight.

Usually, when one looks back, they realize they made small changes whether in perception or action all along the way. It may look drastic to some, especially to ones who are affected in a negative sense when a dear one makes a huge change. BUT in reality it’s what we need to do when we wanna take different action or choose another path/plan altogether.

Baby steps.

It’s where it’s at, but before we take baby steps, we need to get clear on what we want.

When we look for our purpose or the meaning of life, we can feel desperate, anxious or downright upset that we can’t figure out the whole picture.

Baby step # 1: Sit for a moment. Think about a place that you are happy being in, don’t limit it. Let your imagination flow. Get in touch with that feeling of joy within you. In your mind, where are you? Now what are you doing that is giving you joy?

Keep that vision, that joy and recognize it whenever you feel it in your life. That is your purpose. Seriously, it’s your purpose to feel the joy and now that you are aware, it can expand. Watch what opportunities are available when you connect to that part of you. Allow them, you have nothing to lose. Truly.

Baby Step #2: Stop beating yourself up for not knowing, not quitting, staying in purgatory. If you can catch yourself a few times a day deleting the negative self-talk and instead saying it’s okay, you’re okay and accepting you where you are, it’s a baby step that will expand, once it becomes more familiar. Then you can do baby step #3.

Baby Step #3: take a very small risk. Teeny tiny. If you feel creative, but have spent time beating yourself up (see #2) then get your derriere to an art store, or dust off your painting supplies, or clay; perhaps you want to sing, dance, etc…  now take “10 MINUTES” that’s all and do it! 10 minutes and create.

Do it once a week. And increase in baby steps. Make the time you do it short, so you don’t feel it’s an obligation, overwhelming or find a million excuses not to….be kind to yourself and do what you love.

Baby Step #4: You end up in crappy relationships. You don’t think it’s the same person, but it is, just a different costume. You want to break up with them, run away and yet are stuck. This is just a beginning baby step…but promise yourself, you can say one thing to the other person THAT IS YOUR TRUTH–YOUR FEELINGS, which scares the crap out of you to this person, this “month.” Start small.

Every time you hide your truth, you do no one a favor, because sooner or later it will come to the surface and there will be more anger, more pain and more of a feeling of being stuck in crap.

Every time you state ONE truth, you get closer to clarity, confidence, and breaking a pattern of attracting ill-fitting shoes to dance in…

Baby Step #5: Now, take baby step #1 and put ONE action toward that joy. I know someone who found her joy to be making pillows and building furniture when she realized baby step #1. She was then able to realize a joy that could lead her in a direction to fulfill her. Baby step #5 would mean it’s time to go buy some fabric for the pillows. Just get the fabric today. Next week, get the stuffing. The following week could be to pick up a sewing machine, etc…

As long as it’s baby steps when we look back in a couple months, it’ll look like drastic change, but in reality we did it at a pace to assimilate it into our lives.

Enjoy!