Anger is the Drug, Love is the Cure!

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We live in a society that says it’s okay to be angry; it’s even revered through our media.

We exist in a culture, which believes there is an entitlement to be angry when someone else acts, speaks or believes something we don’t want them to from our position.

When a relationship hits some bumps or our partner does something out of the “norm” we get angry. We think they owe us an explanation for this disappointment. We think it’s about us, and we personalize it, turning it into our cross to bear.

We wait for someone to change, we wait for them to act in a way, which we desire and we get angry at them when they continue to be just as they are, because we gave our power to them.

We give our power to anger, it doesn’t give us power. It places us in a state of dissatisfaction over the desire for something to change, which isn’t doing so in the direction of our fulfillment.

Cry me a river?

We’ve a case of misdirected anger.

First off, the focus of anger has nothing to do with another person. In actuality, we’re angry with ourselves. We’re angry at what we allowed—what we manufactured in our mind as the ‘right way’ or ‘only way’ and we’re pissed that we didn’t get our outcome.

Second, it’s all about us and our inability to deal with disappointment. We think our mate should be on the same page with us. They may have stated they were on board in the past or even moments ago, but their actions don’t align with their words; we get pissed at the outcome.

Third, anger is pain—pain we want someone else to fix. And when we are focused on anger, we turn it inwards. We create more pain by beating ourselves up for being stupid, trusting or anything, which we feel could’ve prevented the current circumstances.

Fourth, it’s a vicious circle. We find we get angry at the same things over and over. The more extreme our response in anger, the more its roots are embedded in a long-ago past.

What can we do to stop creating this boiling pot of anger spilling over within us?

Number One:

The shining light of awareness needs to be displayed inside of us. Why do we give our power away to people and live in the fantasy of an expectation? We learned early on that this was the way to get what we want. Wait for others to show up how we want them to and get angry when they don’t!

It’s time to gain clarity on the reasons behind this belief. Once we know, we can stop waiting and start living.

Number Two.

Unplug the denial. Whatever we’re doing to distract ourselves from the real pain inside, we need to stop. We need to deal with our feelings and become connected to why we operate the way we do. Why do we believe someone owes us happiness, pleasure, or anything? We have to give it to ourselves first. When we give to ourselves we start to see people as human beings.

Last time I checked, us humans were a pretty flawed bunch and most of us are doing the best we can, even if it means we disappoint others.

Number Three.

The inner and outer critics need to find a new hobby. When we’re angry, we usually like justification. We get validation from people around us and from that judge inside, which tells us we’re right and the other person is wrong.

And sometimes we may not be angry, but we ask enough people their opinion about an issue we’re having with our mate and then we get fired up! We start to kick ourselves for allowing the issue. It’s a vicious circle.

Be kind. Listen to the inner critic who’s trying to protect us. Thank it. And do number four.

Number Four.

Let the love flow.

Jump back and kiss ourselves is the way to go! When we’re in our head, holding anger so tightly as though it’s a weapon…it’s time to physically drop our awareness into our heart and ask what it wants. It’ll shift us out of anger.

Whenever we’re in the throws of reacting, stopping and asking ourselves what we truly want in our heart gives us a different response. The heart doesn’t want to win, it has nothing to prove. It’s all about love. It wants us to embody it internally and externally. The more we allow that vulnerability to surface the more we become fulfilled, happy and at peace.

Love isn’t the drug, it’s the real cure for the pain.

You can also read this post on elephant journal too.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/08/break-free-releasing-anger-in-4-steps/

Relationships and that voodoo called ANGER.

angry

“WHATEVER.”

Does it feel happy? Is it positive?

It means either hurt or anger. The person stating it means to hurt their mate, as though they don’t matter.

Someone may also use it to show they don’t care anymore and are moving on…..

We say things to appear to feel better than we do, but really it shows a loss of power; we’ve given it away to another. When someone has disrespected, neglected, ignored, or trounced on our feelings, if we’re not careful…we look for the quickest form of recovery.

WHATEVER… puts it all in context.

Instead of saying, I’m hurt or anything resembling the truth of our feelings: by detaching in this way, we protect, SHOWING we’re not affected.. It’s total BS.

We’re angry.

We do care and yet, we’re not owning our boundaries or who we are and our truth.

It happens when we WAIT too.

Waiting for someone to change; to give us what we want; to show up, to be who we want them to be for us….it pisses us off. Because they don’t do or say what we want, they don’t show up…..they just keep doing what suits them, right, wrong or grey.

We give our power to waiting ….. to the whims of another human being.

BELITTLING. Great incentive ,right? Our truth is heard, right?

It’s a powerless stance.

We’ve given our power to someone and want it back.  so making them feel like crap will wound them enough; they’ll give in or engage in battle!

It’s an angry space.

IGNORING, POUTING or saying everything is FINE.

Nothing is ever resolved by ignoring or pouting…we’re trying to seek attention from a place of victimization. Poor us, no one cares..waah!!! It never works out how we want and it’s not the other person’s job to fix our emotional state.

It’s a power play meant to grab back that imagined loss of power. We feel this person holds our life in their hands, we make them suffer until they take care of our  inner world. “You’re responsible and therefore, I shall pout, ignore you or tell you everything is fine, until you develop ESP to know exactly what my issue is and FIX IT!!!!”

It feels bad, doesn’t it?

Giving our power away sucks.

It’s amazing how we learned to believe it’s the norm in a relationship. As though it can ever amount to happiness in interactions and feeling a state of love in the relationship.

None of these states supports love for another or ourselves.

Each state says, I’m unworthy. 

These positions of anger, all stem from an unspoken and un-acted upon truth.

We allow ourselves to be in a state to wait, or we GIVEin hopes of a return; we want our way, our picture and when we don’t get it, we resort to expressing anger in unclear and damaging ways.

It’s okay to be angry, but first get clear on why we’re mad.

We can then take responsibility for being in this space.

It’s not to blame someone else, it’s about how we didn’t act in our own interest…we left it up to someone who is also struggling to act in their own interest and therefore it’s a set up for anger. Some of us are comfortable with this pattern; it’s what we know relationships to be….we’re not aware there’s a different perception available.

It’s also a really wonderful way to beat ourselves up to….”I shouldn’t trust her” “I’m so stupid for believing this person,” etc…

it’s a point of recognition not destruction that can take place. A realization that the way we operate doesn’t feel good.

Next time we say: WHATEVER.

Stop.

Check in with awareness, what’s really going on?

Say it.

Know it, understand it.

Start stating the REAL truth; feel better.

Once we own our feelings, sharing them…grows confidence. Even if we were taught to not trust our feelings, once we get the only way to FEEL GOOD, is to acknowledge our feelings and not manipulate a hoped for outcome-WE HAVE FREEDOM.

When we find ourselves waiting…

Here’s an exercise I do:

I write down in a column everything I’m waiting to happen–some of its insidious, so I really ask myself. Then in a second column from an objective stance, I write a different decision or action, taking me out of waiting and in control of my own life.

In the midst of putting down our partner?

STOP.

Say nothing, until clarity comes as to why we’re in this space, then state that truth…

If we’re expecting someone to clean up our emotions, becoming our own parent is key….what do we really need right now? And give it to ourselves.

These small steps can add up to a huge shift in perception and being way more confident, happier and successful in our relationships.