The Way of Imperfection

debout ! / stand up! I

Somewhere in time….a long, long time ago.

I mistakenly got on the path to perfection. Don’t know if it was a right turn or a left turn. I didn’t realize it back then, I just assumed it was the way to love and acceptance.

It was the way to finding out “perfection” had nothing to do with love and acceptance. Being “perfect,” or I should say trying to be in the eyes of others, may win you a trophy and some money, but not much else in the form of emotional fulfillment.

When I realized that keeping the floorboards clean with a toothbrush, making sure I never made a mistake (and when I did–beating myself up), and other assorted torture-inducing activities; I stopped.

Clean floorboards? Okay, once in awhile, I’m not big on dust.

Mistakes? Make them. All the time. the more mistakes you make, the more you are guaranteed you are ALIVE and doing something with yourself!

To be loved and accepted, be yourself. All the time. Be you, in each and every way that shows your essence. Love yourself as flawed as you are and guaranteed, someone(s) else will too.

Ensuring imperfection is easy, and if you need a little help coming up with ways to let it all hang out, no worries. Here are other things that you can do to make you lovably imperfect:

  • Dripping or dropping a bit of your lunch down the front of you.
  • Laughing wholeheartedly at nothing.
  • Laughing wholeheartedly, because you’re happy or thought of something funny.
  • Admitting to each and every insecurity you have–it’s fun! And it lets everyone else chime in with their “stuff.”
  • Tripping over the non-existent bump on the sidewalk
  • Wearing your shirt inside out
  • Wearing two different shoes (yes, I have done this, actually I’ve done all of these)
  • Saying something completely inappropriate, but it is what everyone in the room is dying to say
  • Rolling out of bed, not brushing your hair and meeting your friends for breakfast (no hair needs to be in place, though you may want to brush your teeth–for their sake)
  • Discuss bodily functions, we all have em’ and sometimes they’re accidentally acted upon(or purposely) in front of others.
  • Talk about who you are, not what you do with strangers…let them get to know you!
  • Cry.
  • Share music you listen to or tv you watch, that you are somewhat embarrassed to share.
  • HAVE FUN!!!
  • Accept others as they are.

Those were just a few ideas, but really, let down your hair and relax. Perfection is nonexistent and life gets so much easier when you remove the idea that you have to “appear” a certain way.Confidence comes from being imperfect; loving yourself in your own skin. Perfection will always create the grounds for insecurities, because it is a n impossible and subjective ideal.

No one cares if you are perfect, but they’ll totally love you to bits the more imperfect you are….especially when you own it!!

 

 

Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place?

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It’s a tough place to “breathe.” Especially when you feel the walls closing in no matter what you do.

Apparently, many of us share the same destination of that rock and a hard place, the conditions vary for each of us, but it looks something like this:

1. You’re out of work, you have been for a really long time. Something comes along (after a ton of effort), it looks like the answer to what you need, only to find yourself right back where you started.

2. You’re in a relationship, which it seems no matter what you communicate with your mate and what you both “wholeheartedly” agree to, nothing ever changes.

3. You’ve worked on yourself ad nauseum, stripping away all that isn’t real or that doesn’t work for you, only to find you are still in the same place with your life circumstances. You changed, but your life did not.

4. You are working at one or maybe two jobs to support yourself or your family. You dislike what you do (or it’s just overwhelming) to the extent that just showing up each day is a challenge. You feel you can’t quit and you can’t stay, no matter what you do…it always is the same.

5. You start dating, you feel you know what you want and you feel confident in that space. The issue is you either keep attracting the same type of person or no one at all. You feel doomed for crappy relationships or to be alone forever.

Those are just a few scenarios, which came to mind. The holidays seem to exacerbate these issues for many and make one feel even more stuck in their unwanted circumstances.

I have found a few things can help to alleviate the powerless feeling. 

1. Acceptance. As hard as it is, when you let go of the internal resistance to your situation, you feel better. It may not solve your issue, but at least you can start to breathe.

2. Change your thoughts. I notice when Im in a place of doom and gloom, I get tired of thinking the same repetitive thoughts, it not only wears me out mentally–it has a physical toll. When you can catch some negative thoughts flying around, just stop em’ or change em’. At the very least you won’t have the mantra repeating itself in your head.

3. Put out the effort. Even though you’ve planted a bazillion seeds, keep planting more. One day your garden will grow. Don’t want to be alone? Keep dating. Don’t like your job? Keep on looking for a new one. Your relationship is just a hardship? Find the soft spots and focus on them. Without a job? Look in different places, get creative, talk to people…plant more seeds.

4. Let go. Lose the picture in your head of how you believe things are supposed to be. Just let things be the way they are, while you continue to participate the goal. The goal may look different when you get there, just allow it to develop, evolve…watch the signs that things are unfolding–it may take awhile, but it will move forth.

5. Focus on joy. Wherever you can find joy, go for it. If you love to paint; start painting. If you want to start a business you are passionate about–work on it an hour a day. If you are single and love to help; volunteer somewhere. Whatever your joy is…invest in it, especially when you are in a hard place.

Just a short list of techniques I use all the time. As you start to do these things, even if your situation remains uncomfortable, painful, et al… at least you can start to feel somewhat better. : )

How do you change your life?

That’s a BIG question we all seem to ask at one point or another in our lifetime. Wanting change and creating change can be miles apart. How do we bridge the chasm?

First, we should be clear on what a few of our goals are that we yearn to accomplish for ourselves. Creating true change requires us to understand WHY we want to achieve specific goals in the first place. What is the motivation behind the goal?

I was talking to a man this past week-end at a party. He asked what I did for a living. He then proceeded to tell me how he had a life coach a few years back and it helped him to attain a few goals. He continued to share by telling me his current goals: losing weight, exercising, getting into a relationship and sticking with a vegan regime.

Those are great goals! I asked him what his motivation was to achieve his new goals.  He stated his motivation was his exasperation of being alone, which elicited his need to be healthier to “deserve”a partner. He was also concerned about his weight for health reasons and wanted to lead by example by showing his daughter he would adopt this new healthy lifestyle.

A lifestyle change is a big one for most people. “DESERVING” is our biggest impediment. We don’t just wake up one day and *poof* we are ensconced in our current lifestyle! Oh no, we had the help of our old beliefs and patterns in determining what we “deserve”.

If we really want to change our lives…it requires quite a bit of awareness or having reached a point where your current lifestyle is untenable. Many people get to the point of living in such misery or hit rock bottom that the only choice appears to be “change“. But, how to do it?

Well… after identifying goals and your motivation, next on the list would be locating the origin or seed of your goal. Did the goal take root from your heart and soul; an authentic desire in support of “who you are” or is it a goal derived in your head; an expectation or some other “I must do this to be okay or I will never accept myself goal?” The sustainability of accomplishing and living your goal lies in the answer to that question.

When we are truly connected to living a fulfilling existence in whatever we endeavor, it DOES matter as to whether the goal is on the level of deep within us or on the surface or EVEN outside of us. And the goals outside of US will NEVER bring us fulfillment.

It also matters if we crave it, because we will be accepted, feel normal, stop beating our less than perfect selves up or feel we have “arrived?” If it is your deepest motivation to live a life YOU love, then your goals need to match “the love” not the infatuation.

If I realize that I want to be married; I need to understand where that idea originates within me. Do I want to be married just so I am not alone, people will accept me and not see me as defective or some other negative perception? Or is it because I really want to reach the fullest expression of who I am and do it in partnership with my best friend and life partner?

The next question is what are you doing right now to support and achieve those goals? Are my actions in alignment with “what I say I want?” Are my goals truly sustainable once I accomplish them? Do I need participation from particular people in reaching for the stars?

Action is a great pattern-breaker. Taking opposite action when you least feel interested in popping out of your inertia aka your comfort zone is an amazing pattern crusher!! I know when I feel low energy, doom and gloom or wondering if things will ever change (I find the following saying appropriate: how do I expect different results when I keep doing the same thing?), I MUST be inspired to do the most difficult thing ever…move “toward” my goal.

That is the meaning behind actions in alignment with your goal. If you say you want happiness and fulfillment, but constantly take actions which make you suffer, sad or anything else which doesn’t resemble the “words” used to describe your objective…then STOP, right there. Punishment or abuse does not lead to happiness. That is a misnomer. And to LIVE a goal from authenticity, means you MUST take positive action. Don’t talk yourself out of it or find reasons to stay miserable.

And really, if you are looking to other people to all of a sudden turn from a “resistor” into a supportive person, you are waiting for the 12th of never. Other people have their own agenda. And their goals may not be in alignment with you want or if they are in alignment, they may have a different idea as to what that picture looks like.

Sometimes we think we MUST chain ourselves to something really unpleasant to achieve a goal.

It is really a statement of missing the truth of what we truly want, but more so it shows what we believe we deserve. It is time to trek back to our “belief system”. The secrets about our motivation, self-sabotage and limitations are all there waiting to be uncovered.

Why would anyone believe that making themselves suffer is ever for the greater good of any goal? No one outside of you recognizes your charitable suffering. No one will ever thank you enough or have an appropriate amount of gratitude to assuage the pain for what we sacrifice. WHY? Because NO ONE wants that responsibility. Seriously, if I found someone sacrificing their happiness for me, I would ask them to stop now. There is nothing genuine or noble in the act of sacrificing for another…it again shows how little we believe we deserve happiness.

Our happiness and fulfillment come from “moving through” our journey to the goal. Even if you embrace a difficult goal, when it is from “your truth“, the inherent obstacles and challenges don’t cause you to sacrifice or suffer emotionally.  It is a HUGE pattern to break, because of the belief behind it….but, when you do find how useless suffering for others or an ideal in your mind is, you have then recognized a way to your TRUE goals.

These questions are a starting place to changing your life.

It is also a great idea to surround yourself or at least have one person who supports you as you reach for the stars. It is an even greater idea to have someone in your life who remains true to your quest; holding you to taking new action in seizing onto a blissful moonbeam and travelling the  journey, we all can use the help!

Standing in the way of…

Images come to my mind of physical obstacles that block our pathways. Trains, rocks, dead-ends, buildings, cement barriers, dams and any other structure making the linear path seemingly impossible.

In myself, friends, family and clients, the type of obstacles most detrimental to well-being, success and happiness are emotional blocks; the way we stand in our own way.

We cannot understand why we can’t get from point A to B. We say we want a better life, a promotion, love, to get along with others and fertilize our happiness. Instead, we are bolloxed by our own story. The “can’t” list grows bigger and yes…my favorite saying comes to mind: “You are stuck in a box”.

I have a client who wants to move to anther country and teach English.

She says she wants to save money to make her transition easier, but at least once or twice a month she finds herself buying items at discount stores that she doesn’t really need. She stands in her own way. We have spent time on this subject and I have asked her to “pause” when she gets caught up in the “urge” to shop. Breathe and see how she feels, asking herself if she really needs this new item. Why does she want to sabotage her own success, when she can see herself living in this other country? Because a part of her doesn’t feel worthy of her goal and it stands in her way. When you think big, it is scary. You have to believe you deserve it more than you don’t. Small keeps us safe and you don’t have to question your value. Small is where you beat yourself up for all the BIG stuff you are basically saying “no” to having in your life.

I know someone who has a job in which he works strictly for the paycheck. He has bigger dreams than this 9-6 p.m. obligation, in fact his dreams have nothing to do with his job. He finds his free time to entertain his creativity, severely limited. In fact, I had asked him to write the post on this subject. His big heart wanted to, but his brain said there was no time.

He is starting to feel depressed about his plight. He can’t seem to figure out the best course of action, because his fears are much greater than his resolve for happiness. He is afraid he will end up in poverty or at the very least struggling financially where he to lose his job. It is a very real concern, but one that shouldn’t hold him back from carving out time to be creative and work toward his “real” dreams.

In his case, the feeling of boredom, disassociation and listlessness concerning his job bleed into his free time. On top of that he now has a co-worker who has decided to create an additional stress in his work environment, which gives him even greater anxiety with his job. The day job affects all areas of his life. What’s the answer? He has to “get out of his own way”.

Instead of finding himself tugged under the train, he has to connect with that place inside of him that wants this other life. The place buried under the layers of responsibility, fear, unworthiness and anything else which keeps him in his comfortable yet unfulfilling corner of his life.

He has to step into discomfort. Maybe he could make a commitment to spending 30 minutes or an hour a day being creative toward his dream? It is easy to do once you take the first step, but first you have to get out of your own way. Instead, of filling his plate in his free time with things meant to bring momentary gratification or escape from the dreariness of his job, he needs to invest in his own happiness and do something which makes HIM uncomfortable. It may even give him anxiety, because also buried in there is a sense of expectation. He will have an expectation of himself to be creative so that whatever he makes will have to live up to his standard of excellence. Will he get out of his way? Last time I checked, he made a decision to spend time each day opening himself up to his greater dreams….interestingly enough, he is starting to relax, enjoying his time on and off the job, and spending more time having FUN!

We stand in our own way when we say we want to lose weight, but continue to overeat (Overeating–calories in, calories out… too many different schools of thought to name here on what is healthy).

When an individual overeats she is stuffing feelings. She is trying to fill what is not fulfilled in her life. When I am stuck in a process, I too, find myself wandering over to the refrigerator…mindlessly, not even aware of my actions, in a sort of haze as I wake up to realize I am looking for a feeling of satisfaction, which never comes through eating in this manner.

Standing in your own way with LOVE is another man-made obstacle. Love has no boundaries, yet most people place “limitations” on this particular subject. People all require love, but as much as they want it, they may run from it, because it requires vulnerability and getting out of your own way of protecting yourself from getting hurt.

It appears a person usually comes equipped with a long list of expectations a partner MUST live up to, so the individual doesn’t have to wake with disappointment continuously. And of course when we are focusing with what is wrong with someone else, we are not focusing on “ourselves”. We once again stand in our own way in love. At the end of the day or in the middle of a dispute, you need to ask yourself is it more important to win the argument, stop dating someone who doesn’t fulfill your list 24/7, punish another human and stand in the way of what you really want? Could you pause for a second and do what feels difficult, asking yourself, “What is the goal? Being alone and self righteous?” Or do you want to extend yourself beyond your comfort zone and say “love” is the winner? And be open and vulnerable to what that means?

I have to say that “love” rules for me every time I take a step out of my own tunnel vision–as in “getting out of my own way”, I want love to be the winner.

It creates a huge sucking up within myself; processing my old feelings of it being weak to communicate or back off the desire to be righteous or punish another, and INSTEAD ask myself, “Do I love this person? Do I want to do whatever I can in a healthy way to keep this relationship in my life?” And I find myself answering “yes”, it is important to me. I then ask myself what is the most loving thing to do? What I find is then I must walk on a bed of nails. I communicate what is true for me even if it ruffles his feathers. I end up finding the balance of not destroying the relationship,while being vulnerable, honest and loving to curtail an old pattern once again. It is not easy and thankfully he is a kind and patient man. It really is nice to say, it is a relief to get the hell out of my own way!

Too Many Flaws

I saw the headline above this morning as it flashed across the TV screen at the gym.

Not to address the context it was stated, but what constitutes “too many flaws”?

What is the “official flaw limit”? 

I wasn’t aware that as human beings, any walked among us “flaw free”. Yet, we each have a judgment for others and ourselves as to what is acceptable.

Another view is one person’s flaw is another’s success.

And of course this is determined by what an individual embraces “success” to be in this world.

Many people are made infamous for a flaw. They make money and achieve fame, because others are enthralled by their “flaw(s)”; almost like watching a car accident.

Flaws are used against people all the time. “You screwed up, you are worthless” or “that wasn’t a mistake, you did it on purpose”; there is a litany of statements, which fall under flaws people show and how all are used against them.

These errors in: judgment, non-awareness, driven to have what you want at cost to others, any breaking of any rule, deviant behavior and anything considered “wrong” by an individual are burdens. Shackled to for the rest of their lives from an outside perspective and probably an inside one too.

And when we turn against ourselves for our flaws and live in shame, guilt or any other image to beat us up, what is gained?  Does this remove the flaw? And if so, do we replace it with another?

As you may have discovered pointing out flaws that another has doesn’t work.

It doesn’t work because they have to be aware to change them.  And really, is the impetus to point them out because it works better for you? Or you want to feel superior to that person because of your own struggles with yourself to feel good?

Blaming does nothing; it takes your control away and leaves you a victim.

People spend money, time and energy trying to better themselves and be less flawed. And I guarantee the end result is not perfection.  It is a harsh sentence to be told you have too many flaws and therefore you no longer count. How in another’s eyes do you absolve yourself? You don’t and nor should you.

Acceptance is a good start.

The pursuit of perfection is a perfect fiction novel that we all want to make into our biography; our own work of nonfiction.  It will never happen. People deny this is truly the goal.

Yet, we seek it in all who exist in the public eye; we seek it in our looks and our own distorted view of the disturbing features we possess. If we are rid of them, we won’t be set apart anymore or we will finally gain a place in being accepted and okay.

Whatever battle you are fighting with yourself to have less flaws, can cost you, so much. Your time, energy, self-love, esteem, treating yourself as a captured criminal, the activities and goals you pursue.  

After all, if you don’t think your good enough, because of this flaw or that one…you have found the perfect excuse for all that is wrong in your life and  stay on the ground; not reaching for the heights of your unlimited creativity.

Flaws can be a show-stopper.

I have found looking at my gifts and growing them to be a much more fulfilling way to live.

As I wake each day, I realize it is an opportunity to create. I have been giving up the pursuit of perfection for years. Bit by bit it is gone up in smoke!

Sometimes when I make a mistake the old belief comes in yelling at me ” I wasn’t good enough or how could I be so stupid or what is wrong with me that this happened!”

I pause.

And hit the re-set button.

I look at what really happened. If I didn’t utilize my best effort, I relax and give myself a break…if it is something I could have prevented; I find it easier to forgive my “human-ness” now.

I allow obsessive thoughts to come and go on how I could’ve done better and pretty soon it floats out of my awareness and I’m back to creating.  I do not cover it up with positive affirmations. I always feel like it is putting perfume on “p*&^p”!

I let go so much sooner now; I no longer keep a running list of all my flaws to beat myself over the head. And when I reflect on an area not going how I want it to in my life….

I remember that I’m participating in its creation, being aware of my feelings, my reasons for the action I take and then I figure this is all I can do and its okay!

And my journey is not a linear line. We all have flaws and isn’t that what  makes us most endearing and lovable?

 

The Gift of Acceptance

Acceptance is a great word.

You can accept a gift, a favor, an idea, kindness, etc…

And you can accept everything as it is.

It doesn’t mean settling.

It means taking a breath for a moment, a day or a lifetime.

Just stopping activity to take a visual or mental survey, a snapshot of everything in your life right now and saying “this is what it looks like”.

You accept the picture.

That is all it is.  Once a picture is taken with your camera, that moment is frozen in time.

You can’t fight a “picture”.  You may not have a fondness for the picture, but it is the reality of the moment.

I take a moment to breathe in the midst of a struggle of wanting circumstances to be different and realize nothing is struggling against me  (unless of course you’re in a barroom brawl or any other sort of physical fight or flight).

I realize its my thoughts I’m struggling with as though each viewpoint was down and dirty with me wrestling in the mud.

When I stop and take the picture by first noticing my surroundings, what I am actually doing in the moment and what I am feeling; I notice the release of all my muscles.  It is like a wave of calm starts to take over.

I start to feel that peace in my core grow.

And magically, all is well.

The beauty of accepting everything as is, opens you up to the change.

You are now relaxed and not focused on filling the space with struggle.  You see how all that energy going into wanting to force your resolve or beat yourself up is energy you can spend elsewhere.

Your mind is NOW not “against” anyone or anything.

It allows creativity to be born.

Without all the focus, obsessing, strategizing, etc… A solution naturally comes to you.

Sometimes the solution is to do nothing, all that needs to be done, has been done. All you can do is accept. It releases you and wow, isn’t great to find something else to focus on that may inspire you?

And at other times through acceptance, you have opened a window of inspiration.

Acceptance is also about our emotions, our mistakes, and anything else we can’t accept.

The same applies here.

Take a snapshot of your internal nature; is there a thunderstorm or sunshine?

Are you ruminating over something that didn’t work out and you think you could’ve done something differently?

Or maybe you’re angry at someone or yourself and you feel bad for being angry?

Whatever the feelings you have are at any given moment, once you lay down your mental weapons and accept—it changes.

If you are in the midst of arguing, or even about to indulge in a tasty treat or concocting a great story to get your way. Stop for a moment. Say “hello” to your feelings and let them be…. don’t try to force yourself into thinking or feeling a certain way. When you see what is driving you to get your way or do what you want or you just feel bad it is helpful to just stop, take a picture and relax.

Accept how you feel and once again watch how you shift.  

And watch what happens when you resume your activity.

Once you have given awareness and acceptance to your feelings it opens you up to moving out of habitual ways of being. True change can now happen.

I do this daily, especially whenever I realize I’m tense and disconnected from myself, because I’m so in my head wanting things to be different.

And I find that everything that looked impossible has now become possible.

I would love to hear from anyone who practices acceptance in their daily life and for those interested in starting to practice it; please share your experiences.

Love is The Word!

I do wonder about love when it comes to intimate relationships.

How many people actually love the one they are with, right now?

Which then begs the question, how many people actually like the people they are with in a relationship? Maybe you like or love em’, but want your mate to change? And if so, is the pattern to withhold love until this person acquiesces, giving into the demand?

Is there acceptance or denial of what is true in your relationship?

When it comes to me, I choose to be with a person I like as well as love. And I choose to have the same relationship with myself.  I know for me, my partner as a friend and a lover is the only way to be in a relationship. I cannot imagine a worse place to spend any time than with someone I don’t like.

And…being with someone who doesn’t accept me “just” as I am, means a descent into a personal hell that I’ll avoid visiting and take the nearest subway out, thank you very much!

If it is change I want in a relationship, all I can do is direct that inward.

Change will happen when I don’t engage in the same dynamics, when I take a time out and ask myself what is the motivation for my actions; love or control?

True change happens from love of one self. I change, because I want to be happy inside; I really dig the feeling of well-being. It is my natural state. It is a state I never knew until a few years ago. I thought the low level anxiety I carried was “normal”, yeah…not so much.

I believe we all change, whether we set out to or not.

The key is having a bit of a “say” in what direction you would like to evolve.

There is joy in watching your partner grow into his “own” sense of happiness and journey of learning who she is, what he truly wants and all the darkness in between. As humans, we got it all!

I recently observed a friend with her boyfriend. He said something and the look on her face was a mix between “ignoring” the comment, yet refraining from eye rolling. 

The comment he made to us both was in defense of a characteristic of his personality, which she would really like to see change.

I am not sure, which struck me more as sad; the comment or her look. I know there are certain elements of his personality she’d like to see change, so that she is more comfortable. And him pleading his case had a sort of regrettable appeal. This exchange may just have been an old worn out discussion between them and she no longer had the patience to contain her annoyance? And maybe he just wanted to needle her to get a rise?

Often, we believe our partner is aware of what annoys us about them, and we may think they do it on purpose.

The truth is most of the time they are just as unconscious as you.

They say and do things in which there is no awareness of “why”, it just feels “natural” and so the behavior continues.

Sometimes it is truly part of the anatomy of personality, but more often it is a learned or conditioned behavior that your partner exhibits. In truth, if your partner became more aware, she would be able to recognize the issue and then choose to take different action.

ALTHOUGH, change must be what your partner wants for his or herself (not because it bothers you). And there are features like one’s sense of humor that probably won’t change, so it is probably a good idea to “like” the one your with too.

When we expect change in another, what does that say about “who we are”? How happy are we with ourselves? And what about our partner, does your partner want you to change? Or maybe they just accept you? Could the main issue in your relationship be how you don’t accept them?

There are several answers to these questions and the reason I ask so many is to stimulate thinking and realization. Most of the time we are not aware enough about our own reasons for what we do in and out of relationships. The big bummer is that upon a little introspection we find most of the motivation has nothing to with love. It has to do with control and having our own insecurities calmed by the action of our partner.

If you want change….

Start asking yourself these questions posed in this post.

Dig deep, go beyond the stories you tell yourself to the core, the naked truth.

On the subject of love, like most people, I’ve read many books. Professionally, I coach my clients and have met many people in the “singles” industry over the years. In my past life, I had worked heading up marketing for a dating service over a decade ago. And when I was training as a coach, I learned how to be a  “love coach” of sorts, by instruction from an author of a well-known book.

In all these instances professionally and personally, I definitely learned a lot about things that didn’t include “love and  acceptance”, but instead showed shortcomings, inadequacy and how best to compensate for being unique. I also experienced events and information that were truly transformative; allowing me to personally leave a ton of baggage at the carousel.

There is nothing wrong with anyone that would make them less lovable.

Everyone has the same chance at love, don’t believe the illusion that only a select few get the chance.

You could do nothing and I guarantee if you want love to knock on your door, it will. You don’t have to do anything to bring it to you, BUT and this is something to keep in mind. If you want to be happy and have a happy relationship, then doing some heavy lifting in removing the baggage weighing you down is a good idea.

We just put things in the way of our own happiness, items that don’t belong to us and have nothing to do with love. Once we stop pointing the finger at our partner and look within, that’s when the real fun begins…that is our opportunity to create acceptance and love on a bigger scale.

I have two new coaching groups starting up at the beginning of this next year.

The first group will commence on January 10, 2012…its called: MAKING THE IMPOSSIBLE, POSSIBLE!!! This group will participate in a weekly phone call with me and others who want to LIVE LARGE and experience their dreams.

The second group is “All about LOVE”, you want to fall in love? Want to learn world-class acceptance leading to peace and well-being? Whether it learning to love yourself, your partner or bringing someone new into your life…I am here to help and witness the manifestation of your deepest desires in LOVE. This group will commence on February 1, 2012.

I will have more information on both groups in the coming weeks, so mo matter where you live and what you do….you can participate and make DEFINITE, BIG change in your life!

Love, Surrender, Let go

Unconditional Love, Surrender and Letting go; funny words. Twenty years ago I would have said it implies doormat.

Nowadays, I see it as the formula to giving up a losing battle.

We battle and fight things in the outer world and our OWN internal landscape much of the time. What is it we hope to win?  Happiness? Money? To be right or vindicated? To get our way? There is a fairly long collection of items on the list of “If “fill in the blank” was just the way I wanted it, then I would be happy.”

Internal battles are the best; we want things to be different. Whether it is a situation, another person or ourselves—what we’re saying is… currently the state of affairs is not acceptable. WHY??? There is no magic pill to a perfectly stupendous world, especially when outside circumstances are what rules our lives.

The quickest way to peace—accept it all, just as it is. Really, just offer a little unconditional love aka unconditional acceptance and watch miracles happen.

Sure you can go to war and take another’s land, become the new leader of that territory. Now what? More battles to maintain and attain more…and when does it end? What’s the goal? Is there happiness or is it a false sense of superiority or security?

Surrender on the other hand is to let go.

Its to walk away from the battle or lay down your arms at the battle line and stick around. Surrender makes it possible to not suffer, in fact its the opposite; it is freedom. It allows you the opportunity to become unburdened with how you had to have things culminate into a predestined outcome and instead, you get to BE free to let things be just as they are, right now.  Whew, glad to give that 1000 lb backpack up and hang out! How exciting to just see what “miracles” happen when you let nature take its course, instead of forcing the river or your partner, or YOURSELF.

I have learned this over and over.

More recently, among other things… I’ve learned about unconditional love. There is no ego in “love”. It is to surrender to no battle lines. It is to accept another as is, to allow them to be the fullest expression of who they are—it is a gift. Conserve your energy, don’t exhaust yourself fighting a losing battle to get your way or change another’s mind. Throw up the white flag. Ask yourself if you want love or to be right? Love is connection; being right is usually disconnection.

Let go of holding onto someone, an idea or anything which feels like grasping, manipulating, or any other form of ego control—there is no control, it is an illusion. Your only control is your actions and reactions; how you choose to “be” in any given moment. So…why not keep choosing happiness? Or love?

Surrender to love. What is really important? Self-righteous indignation, because you didn’t get your way? Or realizing, someone doesn’t have to give into your demands to make you happy; instead you can make “you” happy. It is really the only way to sustain happiness. And it keeps love alive, respecting where another being is at in that moment; alleviating them of the responsibility of your happiness…it gives freedom. And feeling free means you get to choose…and I know when I get the freedom to make my own choices unencumbered by guilt or pressure…I usually make a choice that is inclusive, rather than divisive.

The majority of people are not trying to harm each other in relationship. Most of us make choices we think will allow us to be happy or feel good and other times we make decisions, which continue to create misery. If you bring awareness to your choices and ask if it is your head or heart, which are making the choice…you get to be in control of you, because every heart decision is a choice for happiness….and allowing, accepting and going with the flow of love.

We can choose love and just “be”. It allows us to be supportive. And let go of our own pain, the pain that we believe things need to be different.  Sometimes it is about accepting and surrendering to knowing the best things in life don’t come through force, they come through being open and accepting. So throw down your shield, armor and club….and just “be” with what is…..and watch what takes hold, you will be surprised, I guarantee!

Believing and paying attention Part 2

Picking up where I left off on the last post. I woke up having one of those vivid dreams–the type where you swear someone was with you. It brands an impression or imprint on you, so when a subject comes up that doesn’t even seem related, you “feel” the feeling of the dream. It is a strange thing, because it doesn’t necessarily mean I ever remember the dream. This time, upon waking–I wrote it down (smart move, eh?).

I won’t share the entire dream, just the part that made the morning even more synchronistic.

Mind you, I say this after being “haunted” for days before the dream of ” blatant signs” beyond what I previously mentioned in my last post. And PLUS the energetic connection to the person in my dream, which has not faded but only grown stronger (at times overwhelming) in the past two months.

Anyways, this person who I was most recently in relationship with was in the dream…handing me my books (I am a self-confessed, book-a-holic), telling me we need to read them together; he wanted to learn and grow with me. He also said he was ready for the real rootin’ tootin’ relationship of all time (okay, I am exaggerating–but you get the point), but a little scared.

I wrote this down and quickly moved thru the emotions I was feeling, to a more resolved state. Picked up my water, my journal, phone and bag walked out the hotel room door looking for coffee, leaving my sleeping daughter there. (waking her unless it is a natural disaster is not really a good idea)  In the lobby, some of the travelers from Europe were still milling about, apparently Mammoth Lakes hosts their Oktoberfest in September.

Coffee in hand, off I went to the huge park with the beautiful stream. As I walked there, I noticed the restaurant I wanted to eat breakfast at upon returning from my excursion.

Once there, I walked over to the stream….feeling more peaceful, happy, centered and very close to the Universe/God. I ambled along the dirt path reviewing in my mind, my recent “intentions”. I was talking out loud to Universe/God and saying I accept all that is, as it is AND I MEANT IT. If I am single, so be it–I honestly meant this too. Whenever the timing is right for me, with whomever it will be for me, I am at peace. I like my life, it has its struggles and moments where all isn’t a fluffy red velvet cupcake…but who always has dessert?

As I came to this place of awesome surrender, peace and acceptance I happened upon a bench “right at that moment”. 

Obviously, I was in “awe”, because not only was this the conversation I just had, but what a great way to memorialize someone dear to you. As I continued walking, I started checking out all the other benches, it was very inspiring and reminded me to “be in this moment”.

I will leave the rest for the next post, except to say about 10 minutes after I made this peaceful resolution, I heard from that person in my dream….funny timing after 2 months? I have more to that story, the amazing synchronicity from large to small in which I have a question without even asking out loud…and it is immediately answered. All questions/prayers are answered, all we have to do is listen. All areas of my life have continued to be affected by serendipitous moments, throughout my stay in Mammoth and daily, since arriving back home.

I’m okay, You are Okay, We’re all okay

You are okay, I am okay…we’re all okay. There, I said it again. No perfection needed. Mistakes, bad decisions and mental blocks welcome.

Why wait, join the legions of us folk on the path of “okay-ness”; I’m not suggesting mediocrity or settling for less…..just real down home being “okay”!

The expectation that we can achieve something that will make us FINALLY okay, is null and void.

We’re okay NOW, right this very minute you are okay. We all stumble, fall and feel defeated at times.

Some days getting out of bed feels like its an uphill climb and hey, maybe you sleep in the basement and uphill is what you face daily. So, I say, throw off the sad pajamas about not being uber-successful, or un-wrinkled pressed with extra steam, white picket fenced-in, safe from all that ails humans and rise up to Just, Being…OKAY. Accept your soap opera lovin’ self and dare yourself to be happy anyways! Love “what is” that is all of you…no matter where you sit, stand or dance today.

No perfect time. No perfect you. No waiting until something comes along to make you perfect.

Life doesn’t wait for us to figure out the perfect “anything”. It keeps on skipping down the road with or without you.

Being okay doesn’t mean staying stuck or throwing in the towel. In fact, it means the opposite. When you say I am okay as I am, you allow yourself to relax into who you are and ask yourself important questions. Like, “Who am I?”, “What makes my heart happy?” “When did I think Puce was a good color to decorate the bathroom?”; those questions lead to choices and making decisions. New choices equals new decisions equals new life.

Basing your life on happiness, rather than unrealized expectations that you weren’t crazy about to begin with is the first step, tossing off unrealistic expectations into the river may be the second step.

The only way you achieve whatever you “deem” successful in this life, is when you are fulfilled; in your heart and soul. That is a sign of success, not necessarily having your pockets full of cash (it’s not a bad thing, but it has little to do with the happiness equation). Being okay equals HAPPINESS.

And other people, who tell you that maybe once you improve everything about yourself, you’ll finally have the life you want, most of the time are basing it off what their idea of happiness is for you. And no one knows what makes each of us happy better than our OWN self.

It isn’t that advice is bad or good, it all depends on what you want for yourself. The deal is though, even if there are changes you want to make, to yourself or your life (And I am a HUGE proponent of personal growth), just be “okay” doing it–love yourself every step of the journey. Don’t compromise who you are to try and get to the finish line faster or to PLEASE anyone else on the planet. Please YOURSELF. Yes!

You may arrive at the golden gates believing you now have the trophy or the pot o’ gold, only to find its a plastic toy or an empty pot! And YET, that can be good!! It can be just in that moment you realize what would really make you happy. That you are now “okay” if you get to stop and make a different decision to achieve true happiness.

And with that empty pot, a little potting soil and some seeds, you can grow anything you want! And if you believe you are okay, that pot could be where you start to grow your dreams.