Compassion for a Disappearance Act

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When someone has disappeared… we’re all over the map emotionally.

Versus…

When we’ve emotionally been in step with ourselves throughout the relationship, we’ve been processing it all along…..and so when we’re truly done with a relationship or a way of having relationships, the word compassion rings true.

When we aren’t the ones choosing to end the relationship or heck, our mate disappeared out of our lives; compassion is the last thing on our minds.

When we’re in a place of not deserving love and we’ve attracted someone who also doesn’t deserve love (remember this is not a conscious thought)…it manifests in several ways.

There are always signs that someone who is going to bolt, will bolt.

We can delude ourselves into believing that’s not the case, that somehow we’re gonna make a difference or we blow off those little red flags…then we seem surprised when we’re standing alone.

I hear so often from clients and people who read my work that when someone says “I LOVE YOU,” it’s the end.

We wonder what we did wrong.

What did we do right?

WTF happened?

One person runs away physically and the other stands in expectation. The one who ran away feels the weight of the responsibility that those words carry–they just remember the last time and how it didn’t work…and they got hurt. Say hello to the past!

They don’t think THEY are capable of giving or receiving love–in their fantasy mind they believe they can, but when reality strikes…forget it!

When people bolt, it’s based on the belief they have about themselves and their ability to be vulnerable. It’s based on their inability to love themselves. People who love themselves don’t bolt…and people who love themselves aren’t with people who bolt.

Sound harsh?

It’s not. I’ve been in both groups.

Until I took the onus of responsibility off the guy, I was stuck as a victim. I blamed. I was angry at him. I was all those things…and as these relationships usually go…the one who bolted always comes back. ALWAYS in my life. Even if I was the one who bolted.

Emotionally unavailable. Not trusting. Believing all men or women suck. Excuses.

We may look to the other person to provide signs that they’re committed.

We may pull it out of them and they bolt at some point. The thing is we’re BOLTING when we’re pulling it out of them. If we’re quietly biding our time, hoping they’ll say it on their own, we’re more than likely being inauthentic. We’re living in fear, because we know when we say the WRONG thing…they’re gone, so we pretend.

We’re not open and vulnerable, we’re protective!!!!! We’re not being real.

Unlovability manifests in these relationships, it’s what they’re about!

And what if the “bolter” intellectualizes and blame us for leaving? That’s their shit. They’re completely disconnected from themselves. Anyone who intellectualizes, criticizes or has a list of what’s wrong with us–basically has NO self love. People who love themselves ARE COMPASSIONATE.

When we act and speak from our truth, there’s no game or waiting…we’re emotionally present and not worrying about saying the wrong thing, because if they leave…we know it’s not what we want in a mate.

So…compassion. It’s hard to do when all this blame is tossed around. It’s hard to do when we’re still tied up in SHOULDA,COULDA, WOULDA…and it’s definitely hard when we’re beating the crap out of ourselves for the actions of our mate.

Compassion for ourselves comes from realizing we chose this TYPE of relationship that gives us exactly what we want, proof that we suck in some way. And we get the proof intellectually.

Except it’s not the truth.

None of us suck, even the one who bolted.

Compassion is not the same as allowing or letting someone off the hook. Compassion is love, self-love and accepting what is….”what and who we are” and “they are.”..no one is wrong.

Until we have compassion for ourselves and others…WE NEVER FULLY LET GO. We’re never free…we’ll keep finding people where we both emotionally unavailable….bolting away from love!

If you want to read more, visit my Facebook page.

Just Surviving Your Relationship…

sky-heart

Are you just surviving your relationship? Hoping something will change?

A sign will show up?

One day you’ll finally have the courage to go?

When we’ve given power to everything outside of us to direct us, we end up unfulfilled and stuck.

It’s how we were raised. Little sponges soaking up our environment and giving it meaning about who we think we are…not who we really are in this life.

We don’t realize it’s a lie.

The truth: there’s no love or happiness, if we’ve given control to someone or something else; if we’re waiting for someone to change, they have control and we’re disconnected from ourselves.

To survive we may invest in creating a fantasy space to escape the reality of the hell we’ve chosen.

We delude ourselves, so the relationship isn’t so bad–we tolerate it by pretending and focusing on other things. Leading separate lives. YET…what are we waiting for…permission? Have the ghost of Mom or Dad told us we’re capable of making a good decision and we’re allowed to leave? Are we letting down some false expectation we have of ourselves? Or are we trying to fix an old wound?

How are we loving ourselves by staying in a relationship that no longer fulfills us? Who are WE loving?

There’s no LOVE.

We believe we need to somehow stay in a relationship to prove or heal something from childhood, because we’ve protected ourselves for YEARS or we’re doing the right thing NOW — SEE…we’re not bad, we’re good…we’re stoic! We’re martyrs…where’s my reward? Again–NO LOVE.

What does that mean?

We cover vulnerability with layers of protection, so the trauma and drama are the surface layers. It’s not our truth. It’s where we took someone else’s past CRAP , personalized it and made it about us. We remain in this perception and fear, we never get to a state of vulnerability. We stay in the argument in our head of how this isn’t working, what haven’t we done right or ignore our pain–creating even more pain to choke down. We become depressed and more stuck. 

We may feel it’s safe, WHY? Because it’s familiar.

All we’re doing is feeding our invulnerable, compartmentalized life…we never get to heal, we never get to fix the past by staying somewhere and lying to ourselves. WE NEVER GET APPROVAL!!!!! EVER!!!!

We develop relationships to grow. 

If we’re growing and our mate refuses, simply put, it’s time to move on. Period.

The relationship doesn’t serve its purpose if it doesn’t grow; it’s just a comfort zone.

We take the compartments we developed in childhood and use them to stay in our comfort zone—numbing pain and distracting ourselves, so we don’t have to change our lives. There’s patterns; one or both parent(s) always waiting for something outside of them to change…and how they reacted in the meantime.

How were our parents stuck?

What dreams did they give up?

What did they complain about often when it came to their relationships?

Do we fulfill the position of the one complaining or the one who doesn’t want to show up?

Did they divorce and we felt it was our fault? Did we make an agreement based on it with our partner, to stay together even if there’s no love?

Did they withhold love or approval from us?

Those questions have nothing to do with our true self, our authenticity or vulnerability.

We learned to have OUR perception from our answers to those questions. WE LEARNED–it’s not inborn in us. We learned: How to survive a relationship, rather than truly LIVE and LOVE!

 

Nothing we learned emotionally as a child, in being invulnerable and stuck, bears repeating as an adult.

How do we get real and get out?

This requires courage and some self-love.

First, dig deep: What is your truth? Are you afraid to see it? Good. It means you’ve been doing a lot of surviving and pretending. Look at all the false beliefs you have about yourself and relationships—every negative one is something untrue that you made a truth.

Second, recognize your REAL truth. “Am I loving myself by being here? What would a LOVING action be for myself? What am I proving? What’s the lie I tell myself that makes it a benefit to remain here?”

Third, recognize your needs? Are they fulfilled? In a dead relationship, no one is going to fulfill your needs…time to start to fulfill your needs…begin loving yourself.

Fourth, Take ACTION. Take the risk…go for the freedom. Love yourself, even if it’s a left turn, then you decide you want to go right…so what?? Love is taking action for YOU. Put your needs first, once you do, make a choice, go live your life, leave the relationship, CREATE A LOVING ENVIRONMENT ELSEWHERE FOR YOU and stop settling–you deserve LOVE.

We’re all worthy of love. ALL OF US.

Inertia is a breathing DEATH.

Action even if you’re not sure what to do is better than NOT living.

There’s a quote, build the plane while you’re flying it. And another, feel the fear–do it anyways!

Start flying and you’ll figure out your steps as you go…over-thinking leads to more stagnation. So…take action TODAY. Life is short and LOVE IS FOR ALL OF US.

I’m not good enough yet…

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I’m not good enough to have the best relationship for me…I have a lot of work to do.

I’m not good enough to have someone really love me, because I am still building my career, my finances, my dreams, etc…

I’m not good enough to be married to my best friend, because I have a fatal flaw.

I’m not good enough for a committed relationship, because I’m broken.

I’m not good enough to be a partner in a healthy partnership, because I’ve been told I’m a loser (fill in the blank) And so on….

I hear this and variations of these words all the time.

The lack of confidence that we are enough, just as we are….that until we reach the pillars of perfection we’re unworthy of anything that FEELS GOOD!

We settle. Re-settle. Get stuck.

We’re too afraid to take a step out of a bad situation or hope it’ll get better.

We stay where we think it’s safe, but…yet….it feels crappy.

When we wake up each day, whether we’re alone or in a non-fulfilling relationship there is probably an aching emptiness, a feeling of doom/gloom or anxiety…..all in facing another day stuck without the life we really want to live. And stuck without who we’d really LOVE to be living it with!!

Why do we allow those old beliefs, these feelings of comparing ourselves to a state of perfection that doesn’t exist?

FEAR.

Fear of getting involved with someone who we feel connected to and good with, but believe one of the following will happen:

  • disappointment
  • rejection
  • failure
  • being just as miserable as we are here/now

So, here’s the thing (my clients laugh, because I always say this statement):

Self-acceptance is the key.

What else?

Rooting out those old beliefs in how we got here is the most important part. When we locate those old beliefs in our subconscious and recognize how they planted themselves there in the first place…we create miracles.

I have done this and do this process whenever I feel stuck, I locate the belief, I see WHY I created it in the first place…I then see all the times in my life that I re-created scenarios, so I could live in that fearful belief and I let it limit me.

If we want life-altering and shifting perceptions….

Here is a tip:

Self acceptance means that perfection has no place in your life, period.

PAY ATTENTION to the voices in your head that criticize you,  tell you that you’re not good enough or say how could anyone love such a loser like you.

Catch those thoughts, find them physically in your body. They are attached to an emotion and a physical sensation. Where are they located?

Example: In your stomach. Like someone punched you in the gut.

When you locate the pain or discomfort, place your focus there…allow the feeling to grow. Let it overwhelm you. And then ask yourself the first time you felt that way?

Usually, it is somewhere in childhood. I had a client who would suffer from anxiety at the thought that they were going to be late for a job (they were self-employed) and show up empty-handed. He would be completely on edge that he would screw up in some way just by the way he showed up. Even though, he was always on time and went WAY over and above what was necessary for the client.

When he did discover through this exercise the belief he developed it changed everything. He realized that as a latchkey kid he felt unprepared for school all the time. His Mom never took him to the store for supplies and he was afraid to tell her that he had certain assignments due when he was in first grade.

He would end up in the office with no supplies, no completed assignment and feeling forlorn as he was also unkempt. He grew up never wanting to feel that shame and embarrassment again….

He overcompensated…and he also went the other direction. In his personal life he never showed up emotionally prepared, he always felt not good enough, and undeserving of someone who loved and respected him. He attracted women who criticized him and told him he was not good enough.

The story is longer, but it’s to give you the gist of the exercise, so that you can start discovering your own limiting beliefs.

Start today and let me know what you find out. I will be posting info this week about my new teleseminar series…so stay tuned!

Join or Write for my Monthly Inspiration Newsletter

 

Greetings!

I started a newsletter a few months ago. My idea was to make it into a community of readers and writers.  One of the tenets is the feedback I receive from readers on the type of content they enjoy reading. If you’ve something to say that would resonate with others, please Tracy@tracycrossley.com.  And if you would like to subscribe, click on the link to the right of this post.

In this month’s newsletter, some of the inspiring and thought-provoking articles are below.

You can read the entire page here: http://bit.ly/UpSYCA or click here. Although, it is much easier to read the newsletter with links from the email you receive monthly.

Where is Home? By Eric Vogt (He practices Buddhist meditation and studies Vajrayana, Soto Zen, & Theravada.)

What or where is “home”? What or where is that sense of total acceptance, belonging and comfort? Are you comfortable in your own skin? Is home really where the heart is? Is it even spatial?  My childhood home was recently sold, I have some wonderful memories of growing up in a much simpler time, but there were some not so wonderful memories in that home also.  Good or bad, it helped shape me but it is no longer part of my reality. Read more.

8 Causes of Cravings by Monique Cassis AADP, HHC (She is board certified with the American Association of Drugless Practitioner as a Holistic Health and Nutrition Counselor and A.C.E. certified as a personal trainer.)

 Look at the foods, deficits and behaviors in your life that are the underlying causes of your cravings. Many people view cravings as weakness, but really they are important messages meant to assist you in maintaining balance. When you experience a craving, deconstruct it. Ask yourself, what does my body want and why? The eight primary causes of cravings are: Read More.

The Perfect Woman by Mark Keleske (He travels around the country several times a year, and is passionate about his only sports vice and team:  College Football and the Boise State Broncos.)

 I was driving around town with my dispatcher Vanessa, who was doing a “ride along”, i.e. she got to ride along with me to see what I do “out there”.  Vanessa is a woman most people would envy, she is an old soul who inhabits a young body.   She is extremely well travelled, having been to places many most people never see in their lifetime.  She also has a deep perspective on life, so I knew she would understand what I was about to say when I pulled up to this stoplight. Read More.

Loss, Grief and Gratitude by Natalie Dunbar ( At night and on the weekends, you’ll find her coaching walkers – for Team In Training, the largest fundraising arm of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, a cause that she has been involved with since 2007).

But within seconds of answering the phone I knew this was no congratulatory call. 

 Instead she called to break the news of a tragic cycling accident that claimed the life of a former marathon teammate the day before, wanting to tell me before I read about it Facebook, where many of us often go to share congratulations and race recaps. Read More.

How Would You Define Good Health? by Dr. Rion Zimmerman (He is a Wellness Chiropractor specializing in preventative hands on care with extensive knowledge related to families.)

Symptoms are a poor barometer of health and usually show up late in the disease process. Would you rather choose a lifestyle of wellness so your body functions at an optimal level or live the typical American lifestyle and unknowingly allow various diseases progress to a level of crisis before you seek action? Read More.

You can check out other articles by others in this month’s newsletter too. ENJOY!!

At the end of the comfort zone is…

Your life.

The adventure.

It’s where you find your life purpose and meaning.

One thing many people share with me is they don’t know their life purpose. They fiercely want to find it and hope by stumbling across it in their daily travels or thinking about it, they will finally know the answer.

It doesn’t work that way.

Take a risk into what scares the s*** out of you and I guarantee you will find your reason for existence; your life waits at the end of your comfort zone.

In my line of work and in my own life, the word “risk,” is synonymous with self-confidence, giving up playing the victim and feeling in control of your life.

You crave new experiences, opportunities and people in your life who match you in playing BIG, going after dreams and really engaging in experiences…then take a risk.

It’s like a safari, finding out what YOU are truly made of in this life. You remain playing small when you put your ante in and quickly grab it back.

My MAIN focus is the experience of adventure, which I achieve through risk both personally and professionally. When I feel comfortable, it’s time to scare myself again.

I feel scared 24/7; at the same I’m excited! I envision my boldness as I witness myself climb my own ladder, through choices that freak me out daily.

The older you get, the easier it is to play safe.

 And by safe, I mean small.

As we get older our life experiences are often what we reflect back on, as opposed to when we are young, we look ahead with excitement.

The key is not to bring the past to the present, but to throw caution to the wind, have faith and dance. Dance your heart out and make an ass out of yourself.

PLAN YOUR GREATEST ADVENTURE!!!

If you sit around “thinking,” about a possible change, adventure, investment of your time, emotion or money…you’ll never take action. There is no guarantee and half the time when there seems to be, it doesn’t work out.

Go where there is NO guarantee.

In my quest for what I want in my life, I had to painstakingly grow and open to those possibilities.

I keep shucking off my own limitations. It’s hard to do, because they creep up, but once you get used to being scared as the norm, there’s no going back!

It’s great when others around you engage in risk-taking, it’s like everyone has come alive out of their dead zone. Energy shifts and the impossible, becomes very possible.

As you gain momentum in giving your life purpose and meaning through treating it as an adventure, you may meet or already know people who tell you they’ll help your cause, or join forces—there is excitement and inspiration to be shared.

It’s a force to be reckoned with, because obstacles remove themselves as though fate has a hand in it.

And when others back out of their promise to join, succumbing to their own mental limitations and the safety of the comfort zone, it can mean disappointment. And disappointment no matter what its form is a game changer—not the game-ender.

Risk is a word many people actively state as their mantra; yet few truly have the courage to make real change in their life.

Risk means anything from standing for yourself and your truth, to stopping yourself from habitually doing what you don’t want to do. It’s the only way to live your life to the fullest capacity—going after your dreams on your terms.

Take the chance of disappointment, upset the apple cart and receive a reward, whether it is just being alive or victory!

If you back away from risk and use words to create a sense of vagueness to those whom you stated, “I’m in,” you let fear win again.

It’s a manipulation of fear. The problem with manipulation is that it doesn’t control the outcome; it never feels good.

Take a risk. Don’t say things to get someone off your back, take the time to tell them what’s true.

Take another risk. Say the things you hold back from stating, because you are afraid of another’s reaction or losing someone out of your life.

Another risk, make yourself happy and let everyone else figure out how to make themselves happy.

Don’t fear what happens if you change the game, let it organically sort itself out. You may find yourself making bigger changes, which are challenging or you may find it all falls into place.

Risk means no protection.

And what is protection anyway?

It masquerades as a false sense of security, which keeps you from living freely, happily and peacefully.

When we think we are protecting, holding onto or keeping the peace at our expense…we are actually making the situation worse with the inevitable outcome being the one we are trying to avoid.

So.

If you want to feel alive and really achieve a fulfilling heart and soul felt success, then go for the adventure.

Scare the shit out of yourself and just do it!!

Old Ghosts

Photo by Daniel Schwabe

Life events big and small occur without provocation.

One day you’re at the top of the mountain, another day, you’re arm-wrestling with an Octopus and the next you’re grappling with the shadows of yesteryear.

Those shadows can play havoc with your sense of self and your well-being in the present moment.

We all have people who never saw us for who we truly are or fought against exactly that, having wanted us to fit their image. And when we didn’t, when we walked away or they did, we believed it was done.

Maybe it was physically over, but what about emotionally? What about the exes? Whether they were a friend, spouse or some other significant relationship, did you heal?

You could be over it; you don’t really think of the person at all, unless you have kids, relatives or common friends with them. And that could make them a constant reminder of what “went wrong.”

You run in to them, or someone mentions a conversation in which you were the subject; it’s like yesterday is today AGAIN. You listen and “boom” it grips you; that emotional jackhammer! You feel the anger, pain, frustration, hatred or a strong emotion, and it can surprise you!

You thought this person had no more influence over your emotional state than an ant, BUT whether it’s for a minute or days later, you still react to them.

I don’t care how much therapy, meditation, electro-shock therapy or coaching you may have had…you’ve been side-swiped.

This person knows just how to upset you or make you feel off-kilter. They push your buttons; say things about you, which have nothing to really do with WHO YOU ARE in its entirety or they bring out some deep hidden desire inside of you for re-acquaintance.

It seems they knew a different you.

The “you” who was in relation to them. That part of you, they knew, they figured was the whole you.

But, it wasn’t.

It was just a part of you in reaction to them or the only part you felt safe showing to this person. It could be the role you took on in the past, liar, cheater, caretaker, victim, rescuer, lover, fighter, etc… and this person brings back that memory of those pieces of you.

Not the whole picture, just the parts they interacted with and “believed” you to be, their perception, which has stayed unchanged by time or growth.

The time warp of emotions that stopped a long time ago, may have just been in a deep freeze, especially if they are related to shame, frustration, insecurity or any other of the dark parts we try to shield.

I was married in my twenties. I was married to an alcoholic.

When I met him, we were both having a great time, partying and being responsible (yes, not irresponsible; two work-a-holics makes for an interesting combo). I mention this, because it took me a long time to understand how I ended up there and why. Even when I left, it wasn’t because of his “ism,” it was because I had lost myself; I had a big empty emotional hole and I was never seen for who I truly was as a person.

I couldn’t even see me, or understand on the deeper levels, what I required and how to break through my own walls, because they had always been there…so how would I know  to break through?

It took years for me to understand, how I had been seeking “emotionally unavailable,” men, because I was too.

I liked being independent and deluded myself into believing all sorts of reasons as to why.

And when I got real with myself, understanding the attraction, another thing happened, what had been “abnormal,” but I had made appear “normal,” really never was okay with me.

And so, when I hear things pertaining to a warped idea or derogatory remark from the past, I look at the context it was made in and why. I look for the harm it causes, not to me, but to the self-infliction, the children, friends and other family members.

Yet, my first reaction, is the same one I had years ago; the one in which I was never seen for “me” and instead, myopically distorted into a caricature.

And what these ghosts show us, is our perceived limitations, our lack of trust in our authenticity, the fears of vulnerability, which meant accepting our darker parts. Not through the eyes of another, it isn’t about defending oneself.

When old feelings emerge,it’s an opportunity to empower the darkness we want to run from. Giving light to the shadows and admitting how we hid, put up with, punished, suffered or any other self-induced pain we believed we deserved at the time.

Have we grown in self-acceptance?

Can we discern if a statement truly fits who we are RIGHT now?

And discard it by realizing, it’s someone else’s perception.

There is no fight or reason to change it; we never had to take it personally.

If you want to defend or prove you are not who the past believes you to be, ask yourself “why” it matters? The discovery is no matter what someone else thinks or says….

There is always the choice.

Ghosts or present-tense, when you can open and BE you, all of you, there is no apology, excuse, shame, or blame. Just an acceptance that you are human and ghosts are fleeting,  just shine a little light on them and watch them dissipate.

Love is the answer

Sometimes love is not enough for something to work out.

Love doesn’t break it, everything that isn’t love seems to be in control.

Love is just love.

Excuses are what makes the world go round.

I know every time I give a reason to someone, it is an excuse. Not necessarily meant to defend myself, but to give an explanation for why I made a choice.

In love, whatever isn’t in support of it, is an excuse. And the excuse is really covering for a choice someone is making without stating it or even knowing their own truth. Who wants to dig that deep to know “why” the ego says no, instead of yes?

Maybe excuses win, because…

Too little time.
(I’m stressed at work, you demand too much of my time–so I’ll give you less time, the kids, the laundry, my friends, tv show)
Too much time.
(I want to spend every minute with you, but I’m afraid of losing myself, so I’ll give you less or run away; I spend too much time being with you–I never do what I want on my own, because you get upset)
Too needy.
(I feel like all I do is give to you; I talk to you 5 times a day; Why do you always need affection, attention? I’m tired of your needs)
Too distant.
(Days go by with no word, whether we live together or apart; intimacy…what intimacy? Vulnerability makes you hide; no attention makes me lonely)
Too angry.
(I am so sick of this situation.You’re selfish. Jerk. All I do for you and you give me nothing. I hate you.YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!)
Too sad.
(The past was better or worse. I settled. I deserve nothing good. I can’t get over the time you (or someone in my past) did that “to me.” I’m better off somewhere else.)
Too happy.
(Why are you happy when I’m miserable? I’m happy and it seems no matter what you distance yourself more from me; Your happiness makes me fel not good enough for you)
Too good.
(This is an amazing relationship-its too good to be true, how can I destroy it?; I’ve never felt so comfortable, uh oh what if I lose myself? What if you leave me, when you find out I’m so unworthy?)
Too bad.
(What if no one else wants me, I better stay; He/she is just like my Mother/Father/StepParent–if I can just get he/she to love do what that parent didn’t I’ll be healed–except they are pretty cruel to me and life is passing me by)
Too insecure.
(Where are you? What are you doing? Why can’t I go? I hope you are miserable without me, you suck; You are not very attractive, no one else will want you like I do; I will destroy the relationship, because he/she is too kind to me and I deserve nothing good)
Too disappointing.
(He/she never helps me; he/she always fails me; Can you ever do anything right?; Wow, nothing ever happens that this person promises me, its like they want me to suffer for loving them)
Too much punishment
(All of my wants and needs are ignored, but he/she says they love me; I deserve to suffer, there must be some reward sooner or later; I stay, because I love him/her and I’m neglected; someday the pain will stop)
Control
(You cannot do that, I will be angry, sad, ignore you, etc…; It’s my way or the highway; Do it yourself; No, you can’t do that, you’re too stupid, I’m the only one who can do it; I promise I’ll be there on time; if you change that, I’ll leave you.)

Not a very loving list and that doesn’t include everything that love IS NOT. Just examples of where love loses, it doesn’t have a chance amongst all that chatter.

Love is stomped out, excuse after excuse, after excuse.

Thing is…loving yourself and your partner enough to stay in the game gives love a fighting chance. The bottom line; what do you really want? Do you want a relationship with this person? Do you love them, do you love yourself?

Tough questions, but when I find myself in the land of ego with a litany of excuses, I ask myself the question…Am I coming from love and are my “actions/words” in alignment with my goal?

That’s when I get my most vulnerable, after all if I say I want to stay or go, with love, then I better get with my own program. Those excuses close us off to love in ourselves and to the other.

Sometimes love means to go and be with yourself for awhile, so you can clearly see what you have and what your heart (not your head) really wants.

Other times it means to leave an unhealthy situation, because the cost is too high and if you stay, you remain a victim. And just cuz you leave doesn’t mean you will immediately, find better…it doesn’t work that way. You have to get clear with what draws you to a situation with such a high cost or you run the danger of attracting it again.

And sometimes throwing down your weapons and staying, because you want real, honest, authentic love is the answer. Fear equals EXCUSES. All those excuses are FEAR talking!

The question is…when you get to your last day here, will you look back on a life of excuses or a life lived from the heart having lead you to amazing experiences?

I know what I choose.

Tracy@tracycrossley.com

Innocence Lost Part 2

As we get older, many of us can’t figure out why dreams and goals are harder to achieve than at 20.

The reason is the word: “experience.”

As mentioned in my previous post, we give meaning to experiences and place those in OUR backpack.

And when the same outcome shows up to our experiences, we allow it to define us.

There are a variety of experiences in life; we ONLY give meaning to the ones that fit OUR perception of ourselves. We let other events, which could give us a different definition of our lives, slide by without notice or giving credit to them.

As we get older, we just see more of the same.

The words “every, always and never” have become a permanent part of our vocabulary: He ALWAYS does that! She NEVER listens! EVERY time I eat here they screw something up!

Is life really all about absolutes?

Do these things ALWAYS happen to you EVERY time, while believing deep, down inside that your dream will NEVER come true?

There are many examples, everyday, of life giving us what we believe we deserve. And at the same time life gives us new opportunities for what we want. But, when they don’t fit OUR picture of life or patterns of how we operate; we dismiss them altogether.

Love and life can be different, RIGHT NOW. Opening ourselves to SEEING, FEELING and BEING available to other experiences, people and opportunities is the ONLY way we don’t end up bitter, sad and alone.

It takes courage to walk on hot coals in a place you’ve never been emotionally, but when you commit to it on the deepest level, it is where miracles happen.

Commit to walk through your own sludge (Just like moving through cement) and open your heart and mind.

When you meet someone new, try not to judge them right off the bat by placing them into a category. Be open to what they can bring to your life. People surprise us all the time, if we let them.

Do yourself and those in your life a favor; remove their labels of NEVER, ALWAYS or EVERY and set them free. Watch for the differences. The times she does listen, the times he doesn’t do that and the times when your order comes out perfectly fine.

We see life as a bit more balanced this way, allowing us to unload the backpack. If we do it often enough, we start getting rid of all that luggage we’ve been collecting…

Give life and people a chance, give them more chances…but, most of all give yourself a chance.

Each time you walk on hot coals by being honest with yourself, you’re rewarded with well-being, happiness, relief, and knowing there really is no other way to live.

All the ideas you have about life are subject to change if you let them.

Where did you get the idea that you were invisible, unworthy, bad, unlovable, stupid, etc…? Take a second and see if you can remember when it happened. You gave meaning and power to this event, it labeled or handicapped you in some way, can you see its lack of validity?

Can you see that it was a moment in time, in which as a child or as I like to say a “human sponge” you soaked up the experience? You let it define you. Maybe an adult told you “How many times do I have to tell you not to run through the sprinklers in your school clothes? You never listen, you always do what you want and I’m sick of you and telling you this every time! You’re bad!”

Or something like that….

And you made a label for yourself. Except that label covered ONE thing at the time, but BECAUSE we believed it, we created other situations to prove to ourselves its truth. “See, they are right; I’m bad, ugly, boring, mean, etc…no one is ever gonna like me.”

The event could’ve been big or small. Maybe you were teased all the time? Or you were the bully? Or you were the quiet one? The smart one? Etc…this is how we go through life.

And we can always change it, and what do we have to lose by changing our definition of our LIMITED selves?

We LOSE a comfort zone, a place to wallow, hide, be angry, sad, bitter, alone and stay stuck in growing misery. A misery, that if we don’t challenge our views on our self, love and life, will just suck the life out of us as we get older.

You gave meaning to events that may have been more neutral than you originally thought, right? You personalized them, because it may have been an authority in your life who gave you the label. And maybe they were mistaken?

I’m sure there is a fairly decent amount of evidence showing you the opposite has been true all along.

And when you see truth, you start unloading more luggage. You can’t avoid pain, but when you feel it, allow it, so you receive equal parts of joy.

Life is never perfect, there is always something(s) we want to change. Recognize it, but don’t let it mean something bad about you, because it’ll stop you from taking new action.

Taking new action for happiness can be like swimming through cement. If it feels like cement (a wall), then it needs to go. And the only way it goes, is if you go through it…doing what you have never done or doing what you did a long time ago when it failed and now you know it was a ONE time event, which can have a different outcome.

So, get the jackhammer out, start chipping away at those old experiences that shaped your view.

Then strap on a parachute (much lighter than a backpack) and take a leap of faith into the unknown with different action. Jump off the cliff, give life a chance to show you it’s already different, it was just waiting for you to put on different glasses.

Here is a link to Part One.

It’s all about YOU

What is that you say you want?

  • a solid and happy relationship

  • a great job

  • happiness inside of you, etc…

Some of us have a lopsided idea of “self-sacrifice” as the car to drive on the road to happiness. Not quite.

Please be aware this post is not aimed at the parent to child relationship. Although, it can be looked at in certain instances there too.

We don’t get what we want by sacrificing our dreams, our happiness, ourselves and what it is that WE want!

If we give up what WE want to please others, but still DEEP, DOWN INSIDE “want” what we want; we’ll never have it taking that route…we’ve shown the world what WE want doesn’t matter.

Everyone has hear you have to love yourself before you can love someone else or you have to be happy with you before you can be happy with anyone else…there is truth in those words. Self-love is an everyday imperfect process. As long as you  take the self-love road more often than not, you are investing in your own happiness.

Self-sacrifice is a bad idea.

When someone you know, love or work with absolutely refuses to yield to our needs or wants, we have a choice. We can sit tight, keep quiet and WAIT for the 12th of NEVER for this person to give us what we need; starving us while we hope one day they wake up and smell the coffee.

And meanwhile, you silently state, “look what you’re doing to me! You owe me. I’m angry and resentful now, because I denied myself and I’m directing it at you.”

At times we think it is called for, for the good of all.

Hmmm, here the thing…

That is a broad statement and is actually a manipulation of what you want others to see YOU as the all-giving, altruistic warm-hearted person. You may be all those things, but any time you state it or sacrifice, you are in fact in opposition to the greater good.

When you give up your confidence, your desires and your own power…you become a victim.

Instead of being happy being YOU, you are only “halfway present”. You may physically show up, but your hurt feelings, anger or sadness are overwhelming and other people detect it, unless they are checked out themselves. And most people don’t want a sacrificial lamb, because there is always a feeling of debt, as though something is owed to you.

And who wants to pay that price? And why would YOU want to sacrifice yourself to exact payment from someone instead of everyone having free will?

You create a greater good for all, by living your life full out!

Going along to get along is never a good idea. Unless there is a life-threatening situation. The sacrifice is always our own happiness and well-being.

When someone won’t give to us or says “it’s their way or the highway,” we have a choice.

The choice is to either swallow our love, confidence and happiness OR act in our own best interest, which opens up doors previously unimaginable or impossible. It allows us to be in a place of non-attachment, yet connected to the source of all.

The choice of self-empowerment is not always easy, yet it is sooooo worth it!

The belief that we deserve what we want, standing firmly on our soul is also an opportunity to believe things will work out for the best. Even if they look different than we imagined or originally wanted…but when you stay committed to you providence moves…it has no choice.

If your not budging from your goals and happiness, the universe meets you in that journey.

Taking action is the difficult part when you are not used to standing for yourself.

Getting past the “what if’s” or being worried you are hurting others by standing for yourself. The only way you are hurting others by taking a stand for you (kindly, always in a loving manner-we don’t have to bring out weapons) is that the other people are used to you feeding their needs before your own; they are used to being selfish, because you taught them how to treat you.

All of this really comes back to the word love. If you act from love, first for yourself and then others, its always in alignment.

It is not really authentic love to give up what you want and pretend its okay to deny yourself….you are not loving you or anyone else. When you want to appear to be Ghandi, please ask yourself what your goal is… World peace? Or is it your own peace and happiness that you can then abundantly share with the world?

I think feeling groovy is the way to go and when you give from abundance of having your own spirit fed, the well is infinitely deeper than when you have let it run dry from all your sacrifice.

Please check out my website. I am adding a forum. Ask Coach Tracy this week. I look forward to questions and discussions. BE WELL!