Would you like another round?

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This has been a year of reinvention for me, how about you?

I notice it in major ways (especially when loss is associated with it) and in smaller ways, where I come up against my old people pleasing skills.
 
For instance, I went on a hike this weekend (like I do most weekends) with my daughter out in Santa Monica.
Afterwards, we wanted to have a glass of wine (or in my case a margarita) and food. We found a restaurant¬†on PCH. We placed our order much to the chagrin of our waitress, who gave us the impression, she’d rather be anywhere, but here. She brought my margarita and the wine for my daughter. Near the end of our meal, she asked the BIG question…

“Would you like another round?”

My daughter spoke up saying “yes, I¬†would like another one.” I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want another drink¬†and so, it became a conversation between the two of them. I was surprised when she brought us both a drink. I looked at my daughter and said, “I didn’t tell the waitress¬†I wanted this,¬†you said you wanted another one when she asked, but I said nothing.” My daughter thought for a moment and said, “I think when I said I wanted another one, she assumed that we both did, since you said nothing.”
Now….this could be no big deal, right? But the truth was I really didn’t want another margarita,¬†then I started thinking of all the reasons that I was now stuck with a $14.00 drink that I didn’t want. “I shoulda spoke up…..UGH, this waitress seems annoyed with serving us…she walks by our table and doesn’t ask us if we need anything or even if we wanted to order in the first place, UGH…..I am now going to have to drink something that I don’t want or waste the money….wait a minute, do I have to just swallow it?”
The inner conversation was ridiculous to say the least. I sat in the booth thinking about how uncomfortable it was going to be, because I had decided I wasn’t gonna say okay to something I didn’t want…nor did I want to keep the peace with a person, I didn’t even know!
Do you ever do that? Tell a story to yourself about all the reasons you shouldn’t speak up or say¬†what is true for you, so that you don’t upset another person?
I’d like to say I’ve never done it or still do it! But, alas…here I was with the waitress who couldn’t smile and seemed irritated with every word spoken to her unless she asked.
I motioned for her to come over and told her, “I wasn’t going to say anything, because I felt bad (yup) and then I realized it was a stupid reason for drinking something that I didn’t want. I didn’t order this and I do not want it.”
Of course, as predicted…..she argued and tried to tell me I nodded my head ‘yes’ and agreed when she asked the BIG question.¬†I wasn’t intimidated, nor was I up for someone ‘arguing’ with me as a tool for¬†persuasion.

So…I disappointed her, I made it messy….I didn’t swallow it and I felt better, even though it was fairly intense.

My daughter actually agreed with me (she’s almost 24), usually ‘mom’ doing anything like this is totally embarrassing….¬†but this time, she saw how sometimes it’s best to please yourself, because you’re not gonna win a new friend or make someone like you, who doesn’t have the least bit interest in bridging that gap.
But it’s all right now, I learned my lesson well.¬†You see, ya can’t please everyone, so ya got to please yourself “~ Ricky Nelson “Garden Party” lyric

 

I don’t want to spend time fixing myself.

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Do you?

I cannot imagine a more fruitless journey then to try to fix what isn’t broken. Improvement….to what?

Working my ass off to become an ideal that was created¬†outside of myself?…By someone else?

I state this, because there’s a misconception that we’re all broken and for some of us it can be quite the obsession to fix what we think is fatally wrong.

Here’s the truth…we’re all flawed, screwed-up, messy, emotional (if you’ve compartmentalized your emotions,¬†so you’re numb–then you ain’t living–you’re surviving!) and crazy in some aspect!

We’re human beings…..objectively speaking and subjectively we scrutinize ourselves and others with a microscope, trying to be the best…..to compete…to create an illusion.

This isn’t the key to a happy life.

At all.

It’s a never ending hamster wheel of trying to do something that’s impossible and quite frankly a waste of time…think about it, if you’re about self-improvement (subjective)…what’s the ultimate goal? Perfection?

Take a load off.

I have a better idea.

Just be fucked-up you.

Really.

Now some may disagree and like their hamster wheel, but I tend to go with the individual goal of feeling good, happy, having a lot of love in me and around me, enjoying what I do and making decisions that expand my true self.

I prefer to not be anxious, stressed-out, up in arms over someone else’s bullshit, or what the world is or is not doing, because I simply do not have control. No one does…and if you worry about it, or think becoming an improved version of yourself is the answer to world peace….you’re wrong.

It’s about accepting who and what you are….getting to know what makes you tic (not what society says should make you groove), seeing your flaws and saying, “Okay!”

You were told those darker parts of you were unacceptable at some point in your life. The hardest thing to do is not improve, but¬†to say “okay” to what is imperfect;¬†otherwise¬†pretending those flaws don’t exist creates bigger insecurities.

It’s hard to be yourself and happy. Why?

Because we worry to much about what others may think of us, we have a judge and jury in our head. We worry about abandonment; the loss of people connected to us based on some identity that never really belonged to us.

Our truth is fighting to come out all the time.

We bury it, because of our fears…the unknown, criticism, what if we’re wrong, we fail, we get hurt, we have an experience we allow to prove some ugly belief true about us….we’re alone, we feel taken advantage of and so on.

And guess what? All that shit that you and I allow to rule us, is meaningless. On the last day of your life and mine, we can look at everything we didn’t do, that we wanted deep down inside…all the missed experiences and know that we’re out of time.

That’s it.

If you think improving yourself is the way to happiness, it isn’t…it’s actually how you avoid yourself.

Acceptance is deeper, it opens us up to being unlimited (which is far scarier than self-improvement), to really loving, to moving past our fears and saying ‘fuck it’ it’s only an experience…it moves us to stand for our truth…for our desires…our freedom…to be emotionally intimate, to allow ourselves to go into the deep dark caverns inside of us and come out with a smile!

Don’t waste your human experience trying to be a version of yourself that you think is acceptable to others….just be you. Right now.

  • Speak your truth
  • Bring pleasure in your life daily
  • Make choices that make you happy
  • Challenge yourself to take risks to go where you want emotionally and physically
  • Accept the dark, the light and all in between
  • Value yourself
  • Be kind
  • Get clear on your heart’s desire and make a change
  • Leave anxiety on the floor–don’t paint the future with the past
  • Let go of the illusion of control of a small world
  • Let love in–operate from that place
  • Stop being busy all the time
  • Remove people pleasing, don’t commit, unless you really want to….

This is the work I do with clients. Call it whatever you want, but discovering who you are and living that truth is the most powerful call to live your life!

Women As Alpha Males?

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“I just step on whatever gets¬†in my way.”

“I’m tough, ambitious and I know exactly what I want, if that makes me a bitch, okay!”

“I’m in control!¬†I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man!”

“The more people you love, the weaker you are.”

Just a few random quotes I picked up from women, about women to women (and men).

My question is….

Does living that way, actually bring a sense of happiness, joy, peace and love inside of these women?

Hmmmm….?

Yeah, I remember when I thought strength was being tough, bitchy, and showing the world who was boss. How did I feel at the time? Anxiety-ridden, stressed, depressed, devaluing my value, always working on some imperfection, LONELY, never felt like I was actually in my body…more like I was trying to prove something to someone…..maybe to myself?

The image of strength in our society keeps many women from really discovering who they truly are and what they really want. Our conditioning, whatever circumstances, existed as a child, which told us we needed to shut down, shut out, or create battle lines where, what we carried forth as beliefs about this world and our place in it seemed to be rule in our minds.

Many of us women subconsciously picked up cues as children, which impacted how safe we felt in the world emotionally.

Some of us felt we were all alone on this journey, so we packed our bags and made a pact to DO, GET, FORCE, MAKE, RUN AFTER, DRAG and so on, to build a life that might look good on the surface, but didn’t feel too hot underneath.

True strength is not a teflon coating. Nor is it the ability to put someone down, in their place or appear superior through bitchy behavior. True strength is tougher than that for most of us to live in all the time.

Why?

True strength is our vulnerability; our authenticity.

False strength is showing others that we’re impenetrable; tougher than men! Hell, so tough, we don’t need any help!

But we do.

And if we’re really honest, we don’t feel too great when we’re stepping on others, or pushing them aside to ‘get’ what we want–even if what we want is love.

Many of us learned that passivity brought no results, and frankly, that’s a dead state. When we’re passive we’re lacking confidence. But, when we’re relaxed, authentic, trusting and creative, we’re on fire—confident, connected and happy!

So what’s the deal with women who have donned the clothing of an Alpha Male?

For many it was a way to survive, to turn hurt and anger into motivation, to live according to the standards in society that are set for male accomplishment.

Is it to say we cannot enjoy the same accomplishments as men? Hell no. We can ENJOY all of our accomplishments, but when we go about ‘getting there’ as men do, are we actually enjoying it?

To me its about the inner journey, it’s not about what we show to others, being¬†someone who doesn’t take any shit, or that we go after what we want; it’s about how we feel inside and the results we create when we’re disconnected from our truth.

We will attract to our lives energetically that, which is subconsciously under the surface. For many women who are alpha males, the kind of men that come close, are ones¬†who aren’t sure of who they are either.

Make sense?

When as women, we’ve adopted a way of strategizing through our lives and sticking our emotions in our back pocket, we’re aren’t connected to what is authentic. And so how can we expect who we attract to be any different?

Now this isn’t about self-improvement or changing the men in our lives.

It’s about finding our deeper truth, our real pleasure and trusting that the creativity, passion and untamed flow of life can be a choice to live from rather than one based on a model of strength, which doesn’t belong to us.

Being closed off to our truth will never bring us closer to a happy journey or destination. How do we start to break free from this tamed position, where we’ve domesticated ourselves into believing it’s a man’s world, so we have to be men?

The first step is to connect to our emotions. How do we actually feel when we’re being bitchy? When we’re going after something, because we think it won’t come to us? Or we’re attached to someone who won’t give us what we want and we’re trying to force it anyway?

If that all feels good to you, then you’re not who this post is for, but if this at all feels crappy, heavy, provokes anxiety, fear or inflates your ego (not your confidence) then start somewhere….start to find the true essence, the untamed real female inside of you. She is there. I promise.

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If you are interested in gaining more insight, please visit my home page and click on either the button for women or men, read through the pages provided for a deeper understanding of what it is I am talking about here.

 

The Hardest Thing You Can Ever Do…

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Become Who I am. Become Who You Truly Are. Become Who We Truly Are.

Those statements are harder than we think.

In some situations, we’re truly who we are, honest, authentic, NOT ‘trying’ to please, get along or do things, which we don’t want to do…or put up with behaviors that really don’t interest us.

At other times, we’re totally compromised.

We can feel ourselves slipping away into the energy of someone or something else–where we don’t want to disappoint or suffer loss; feeling ourselves putting up walls, getting defensive and perhaps, becoming stubborn. Even¬†feeling angry, or discontented and wondering why?

For myself….I “do things I don’t want to do at times, because of guilt, or I don’t want to disappoint someone.” Of course, the head trip I can beat myself up with¬†leads me to old questions, which¬†used to haunt me, “Will I ever belong?”

Can I ever do the right thing?

Do I always have to compromise myself and feel “eh” about doing things I don’t want to do, to either please others or fit into my role (that I cast years ago)?

Am I a curmudgeon; is it a comfort zone thing?

Now, these questions may seem funny coming from me (if you know me), because I tend to do what I want (according to others), say what I feel or think most of the time and yet, at times,¬†I felt like I swam in a big circle and had been unconsciously trying to do the right thing (by someone else’s standards) and haphazardly doing what’s right for me.

Makes for one messy human being!!! LOL!

To be who we truly are, we have to practice awareness, first and foremost.

Even when we compromise ourselves, to be authentic is to say, “Ok, I’m doing this action, not because I want to, but because I feel guilty, or I will get validation that I’m a good egg or I promised or fill in the blank. Instead of burying it inside of us and lying to ourselves that we really want to do something, which we aren’t interested in at all.

True authenticity requires a slowing down and a connection to our inner truth. Most of us DO NOT want to do this, it’s easier or so it seems, to remain¬†disconnected.

WHY?

We recognize there’d be¬†change in what we do, which¬†signifies some kind of loss. We may hate our position in life, but cling out of fear of what could happen!¬†We know the¬†familiar and believe on some level it’s the best we can do!

Because scarcity can cause us to cling (what if we fail as ourselves, or end up homeless or alone, etc) to the false parts of our lives, we may never become fully authentic.

No one else is to blame.

If we hold others’ responsible for our choices (even if they’re counting on us–they cannot¬†force¬†us), we will never be true to ourselves.

Being authentic is:

  • Taking¬†full responsibility for what we say and do.
  • Remaining connected to our desires¬†and needs (and acting on them).
  • Speaking our truth.
  • Not pretending.
  • Not purposely seeking validation from others.
  • Doing the right thing for ourselves.
  • Risking what is false or constricting to discover our deeper truth.
  • Committing to our happiness.
  • Facing scarcity down, by letting go, getting uncomfortable and believing WE deserve an abundance of opportunities.
  • Allowing those we’ve known, to be their authentic selves.
  • Opening to a new tribe of people.
  • Living our true dreams.
  • Say yes when we¬†mean yes, no when we¬†mean no. (and when we¬†don’t–don’t deny it)
  • Treat ourselves how we want to be treated–always!
  • AND ACCEPT YOURSELF, MYSELF, OURSELVES just as we are!!!!

For me,¬†I keep heading toward more and more risks that scare the crap out of me, but I know the way I’ve gotten here, isn’t how I want to continue.

My own evolution is reflected personally and professionally.

I started a new radio show,¬†not cuz it’s a great business move (who knows), but because it brings me joy! I’m going to start life-changing retreats for my clients, which include hiking, certain modalities of getting into deeper exploration leading to authentic change in my clients…why? Because it turns me on (rather than just thinking about it FOREVER and staying in some miserable place of settling–not going for it) and in doing what I LOVE in all parts of my life, it changes–there’s loss, but the gain is so much sweeter…I just have to put the seatbelt on and be present for the ride!!!

There are so many other things I am creating, including an online dating profile to put myself out there and possibly meet my partner in crime! ūüôā

How about you?

Ever Belonged On The Island Of Misfit Toys?

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Having heard this reference more than once this week, it got me thinking…

There have been times in the past, I definitely felt I was a resident on the island of misfit something-or-others.

The misfits. Those who ‘feel’ they don’t belong, perhaps they’re different, unique and just don’t conform, to the standards around them.

Misfits¬†create their own standards. Well, once they grow the confidence to not give two shits¬†about what anyone else thinks…and that in reality, there’s really nothing wrong with them. (No more than anyone else)

Freedom expressed or unexpressed is a state of mind.

Personally, I’ve always sucked at conforming, and still do.

It’s not a form of rebellion per se, it’s more of a feeling inside of my¬†body, of my¬†guts¬†being ripped out, when having to pretend to be someone else….okay, ¬†perhaps not so harsh, but faking it to fit in, is something I’m pretty much incapable of doing.

Fitting in for some can be¬†described as suffocating, and provoking¬†extreme anxiety. The idea of capitulating¬†where it¬†doesn’t allow for their individuality is painful and¬†yet, there’s still the desire to know they’re okay. The struggle has more than likely been there since childhood; the ability to accept themselves.

People that subscribe to their being¬†different,¬†change the world….just by being who they are and living the full expression of that self.

When we¬†live that way, we’re no longer in our¬†minds, labeled a misfit;¬†we see our individuality.

None of us have to go out of our way to be unique, it’s those of us who allow our ‘real self’ to show through…who create our lives from that place, rather than hide it, as many do. For some they cannot seem to help it, they were taught there’s a lot of shame in being who they are–so they conform; they fit in…they’re afraid of loss.

Loss of love….validation…identity…finances….comfort…relationships….achievement….and so on.

Misfits questioning the norm or what’s taught to them as a belief of someone else, usually¬†find something inside, which shows them other truths are available;¬†creating their own perception. It releases them to go after what their souls deepest desires are, and as a result, they¬†imbue change¬†and¬†find true personal meaning in their lives.

Not that people who conform don’t find meaning, it’s just a different set of values.

In several instances, misfits may have¬†felt, as though¬†they’ve been on the outside looking in;¬†their point of view is different.

They realize so many societal concepts¬†and perhaps, what works for other people, doesn’t work for them.

The key is in¬†acceptance. Instead of trying to conform¬†or beat themselves up over who they are not, it’s to accept what’s contrary.

Acceptance means we don’t have to¬†fear our uniqueness.

Fear of being judged no longer exists. People will judge no matter what we say or do, so why not be exactly who we are?

For some of us, that’s a major part of the journey, unearthing who we¬†are and what makes us¬†tick. We may have buried our uniqueness decades ago, only to now, feel a deeper sense of unrest within us that is vague and difficult to pinpoint.

Our limitations, because of the fear within, can keep us feeling like a misfit, even if we appear to join in well within our peers and other groups.

Each individual shines a light when they discard the chains of living an identity that doesn’t suit them. In serving the world, if we show up¬†doing what makes us happy, we have more to give. We open up to a whole different perspective, instead of our fearful one that we’ll be all alone if we choose ourselves.

Love Yourself, Beautiful Soul

I Love Me Written inside a Heart Drawn in Sand

Love Yourself, Beautiful Soul

“I open my mind and heart to the miracles of self-love.”

Guest Post By

Michelle Mullady

What does it mean to love yourself? To do kind comforting things for and to yourself? Is it making time to get a massage, having lunch with a dear friend, or buying yourself a new dress? Yes, sometimes. But true self-love is much more profound than that. Cultivating self-love and compassion for yourself means loving and embracing all that you are today ‚ĒÄ your thoughts, feelings, beauty, your age, mistakes, flaws, and imperfections, your power, sense of humor, intelligence, as well as your unique and different way of viewing the world around you.

Deeply loving yourself means not only accepting, but really adoring, each and every part of you, the entire package as a whole, and knowing at your core that you’re valuable, important to the Divine Plan, deserving of great good, and lovable. It means being your best friend when life is going your way, as well as during those challenging and difficult times when it isn’t as you would like it to be. Really loving yourself means that you stand by and up for yourself if that is what you need to do.

For many years I lived with a shielded heart. My patterns of self-hatred began long ago in my abusive childhood. There came a time in my healing journey when I simply could no longer consent to endure my lack of self-love. I had talked about self-love. I read books about the topic and went to workshops. I fed myself daily positive affirmations that I loved myself while looking in a mirror. It sounded good, but it still wasn’t ringing true deep within me. I couldn’t feel the words I was telling myself and my life still wasn’t fully reflecting back to me these new beliefs. I realized then that I had to actually begin practicing the art of self-love. It was time to start loving myself the way I desperately wanted others to love me. This became the next step on my path.

To live in a harmonious way, one where love is given and received in balance, loving yourself isn’t an elective along your journey. It’s a main course in Awakening 101. In order to tune in and listen to the whispers of your heart that let you know where you’re being guided … to be present for your thoughts so you can comprehend what you really believe … to honor and live with an open heart center with full awareness of your oneness with Spirit … you must first put into practice love for yourself.

Have you let yourself down? Do you reject aspects of who you are? Do you hide behind a mask fearful of revealing your authenticity? Let yourself see the truth, feel if that’s correct. Then, do whatever you can to begin to fully learn to experience love for yourself exactly where you’re at right now.

Learn to value how you show up and the way you deal with things. Love your one of a kind way of stretching, expanding and evolving as a spiritual being having a human experience. Love where you’ve been and what you’ve done. Forgive yourself if you made a lot of mistakes during the process of waking up. Even God can’t change your past, but with Divine help you can create a better future. One that is filled with light and love for yourself and others.

Love your present moments. Love how you look, what you think and feel. Love every detail of the body temple you chose for this lifetime’s adventures. Love the break lines in your heart and the radiance that flows forth from the river of wisdom that came to be because of the history around those cracks. Love your errors, and love all the good that you’ve delivered to the world. Love it all, beautiful soul. Love all of your sweet self.

Begin your day with this simple prayer for Divine Love:

Sit in your sacred space, focus gently upon your breathing. Breathing in and out fully and deeply several times to bring about a state of tranquility within your mind and body. Then, surround and protect yourself with the magical pink light of the universe. Place your hands across your heart center and begin to feel the energy held within. Visualize this radiant rose-colored love filling up your entire being as you recite this blessing.

Dear God and Beloved Angels,

May love enter my life and fill my heart and soul. May the magic of love continually inspire me to radiate warmth and caring to myself and all those who touch my life.

Amen.

Gracefully,

Michelle Mullady

Copyright Michelle Mullady 2015

Bio:

MICHELLE MULLADY is a Joyful Living Mentor, International Best-Selling Author, Master Energy Intuitive, Michelle photoSpiritual Guide, and Transformational Healing Workshop Leader who specializes in helping adults and adolescents to create healthy and fulfilling lives through life coaching, intuitive direction, angelic communication, breathwork, simple guided meditation practices, affirmations, prayer, and energy work.

Working with the unconditional love and light of the Creator and the angels, Michelle can support you to enhance every area of your¬†life ‚ÄĒ relationships, health, finances,¬†intimacy,¬†career, and spiritual growth¬†‚ÄĒ¬†all while living one day at a time in a busy world. To learn more, visit, MichelleMullady.com or call 210-501-9582.

https://www.facebook.com/MichelleMullady

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https://www.youtube.com/user/MichelleMullady

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The Manifesting List

Ever wonder how the same things continue to show up? Feel like you are stuck in a vicious cycle or keep attracting similar situations?

Check out this list on how you do it and how to gain more control.

  • Whatever we give our attention to, grows.

So, if you want more of it, keep doing it and if you want less, focus elsewhere. Have gratitude for what ‘is’ and focus less on what you wish it would be….watch how more of what you want, actually shows up.

  • Lies are based on a belief that you may¬†lose something or be embarrassed by the truth.

It’s¬†a sign of lack of trust in the self to handle disappointment. Want to really attract amazing people and opportunities, start getting real with yourself and see what you are denying.

  • If you believe that all relationships turn bad or end, you will fulfill that goal. Your subconscious is the map, it tells the conscious mind where to go.

Do you have a negative belief about you or relationships, guess what? The subconscious will fulfill it for you. Instead, get a spotlight to shine on the WHY behind the belief and get uncomfortable, as you take action in a positive direction. (funny, how the words uncomfortable and positive go together) This will create new beliefs.

  • If you believe more good exists inside of you than a voice kicking your butt, the perception you have will make sure¬†the¬†outside will match. (even when negative circumstances arise–you will see it as temporary, not life defining)
  • Engaging in¬†playing games, means sooner or later you’ll end up the loser. Be real.

Authenticity gives your life real¬†meaning. When you play a part, the return on it, never is permanent. Dig deep to find your truth–then act on it, without attachment to the outcome. Most of the time, your results are 9000% better than if you had faked it til you won it.

  • If you don’t believe you have value, you’ll look for situations affirming this belief or create them to show you are indeed, without worth.

Awareness of these core beliefs and questioning their validity will help you to not get triggered into going down the same ol’ road.

  • In¬†loving someone, try to tell¬†your conscious mind it doesn’t mean attachment or expectations are included in the deal.

No one else can fix you or make life better, unless you’re already doing something about it–so even if the love of your life came through the door, nothing would feel one iota better, until you fulfill your own needs first.

  • No matter how much you love someone you cannot stop them from doing self destructive or stupid shit, only they can stop themselves if they want to….or not.

Let go of trying, let go of taking them and their actions personally. You can do nothing to change them, unless they are already doing it themselves.

  • If you really sit with the discomfort inside of you, that you may want someone else to relieve, you’ll find you are your own best medicine.

Stay with the anxiety, the neediness, the emptiness or whatever it is causing you pain. It won’t kill you and you’ll find the temporary relief you get from someone else doesn’t compare to the permanent relief you can offer yourself.

  • Assumptions are dream killers–you can talk yourself out of anything you want (especially if it requires change) just by assuming some story, which may or may not be true. ¬†

If you don’t know, it’s okay, because even if you THOUGHT you knew–most of the time it doesn’t assure the outcome. Spending countless hours analyzing, strategizing and stressing will only lead to more inertia. Action trumps thought, show your ‘mind’ that all assumptions are b.s. and get out there and live your dreams.

This is just a starter EQ (emotional quotient) list. Growing your emotional intelligence will grow your ability to attract amazing people and situations to your personal and professional life.

5 Ways To Empower Your Life For The Better

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Relationships rule our lives.

We may get out of bed each morning, dreading interaction with someone during our upcoming day. We may spend time ruminating over the negative feelings and feel uninspired to believe we can actually change something in the communication or our feelings toward them.

Thinking of the “what ifs,” can disempower us from making any decisions in our daily lives and therefore, we can stay stuck in a monotonous circle.

The only power to change anything in our lives resides within us and requires a shift in our perception of reality. How easy is it to do?

It is only through our deepest desire that we can sustain the energy it takes to empower our relationships and our lives.

Wanting to empower ourselves for a better life takes the following:

Step #1: It takes commitment; we must first understand our level of deserving, before we can truly commit to the process of creating a better life. If we do not feel deep inside (based on our beliefs) that we deserve more than settling or struggle, we need to be aware that we‚Äôre in a state of resistance to good ‚Äėeasily‚Äô coming our way.

Step #2: It’s not all about us. The thoughts in our head rarely have anything to do with another person’s perception of reality. We assume, we know their intention and why they do what they do, but in reality we don’t and we never will…. even if they tell us.

Why is this the case?

Think about how often our mind changes, how skewed our intention can be from one minute to the next, when emotions influence many of our thoughts. Many people lack the self-awareness to understand that half the stories they tell themselves are b.s. and the individuals with self-awareness need to understand that assuming anything about anyone is just a way of avoiding ourselves.

Step #3: Take responsibility for all thoughts and actions we initiate. This means we have control over our lives, when we place blame outside of us, we become a victim who doesn‚Äôt have the tools to ‚Äėcreate‚Äô, because there is always something stopping us. Freeing ourselves from what we try to manipulate or blame will result in an opening of our heart and mind to possibilities (rather than living in the belief that what we want is impossible).

Step #4: Get clear on what we actually want. This comes from knowing who we are, which is actually a question most people cannot answer about themselves. Many of us have been conditioned to believe we are someone else, through whatever strategies we identified with as a matter of survival or gaining attention as a child. We have forgotten what we actually love, where our joy is ignited and may not trust the desires we have are nothing more than a passing fancy.

Showing up in all parts of our lives as the same person, rather than in different roles to suit the player, will bring about a dynamic potency to our vision. The clearer our intention, the better our life will become.

Step #5: Be in the present moment. Not only do we need to know who we are, so we can be clear on what we want…we must also bring our entire selves into the moment. When we’re checked out, we are not empowered and we’re not actually engaged in what we’re doing, how we’re interacting and therefore unable to feel connected.

Removing the compartments and accepting what currently ‚Äėis‚Äô in our lives will allow us to be authentic, to make decisions from a clear, connected and centered place within us. It gives us the opportunity to empower ourselves with our action, words and choices in the current moment‚ÄĒwhen we are ‚Äúwholly‚ÄĚ present.

Giving To Get; A Self-Destructive Way to Validate

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One of my favorite terms to use in my work is “giving to get.”

It’s when we¬†give with strings attached to someone or something else.

It’s not always an item, money or something tangible; we often give our time, do favors (people please), allow behavior we don’t like and other forms of anything, which places us in position to receive our validation this way.

Personally, I’ve come to a ton of awareness over the years, in how I have operated in this way, but lately, my epiphanies have been around, how some people I attracted to my life would give to get with me.

This pattern usually starts in our family of origin.

We find by acting or giving in a certain way, we get what we THINK we want, which is some form of love or validation. In essence, someone says, “we’re okay” and then we feel accepted into the tribe. This often leads to some form of over-achievement, or having no boundaries or self-acceptance of our own feelings.

What’s the difference between giving to get, and just plain giving without expectation?

We feel someone owes us or we need to be recognized in some way (some celebs give money for publicity), this is not altruistic nor is it actually meaningful; it’s a form of trying to get validation.

When we give, as let’s say a friend who helps without being asked, by sharing their¬†oxygen mask,¬†the expectation is on the act of helping, not on the future accolades or gratitude that must be given in return.

When we give of ourselves over and over to someone hoping for a reward for putting up with their nasty behavior, we are giving to get. We blame the other person for holding our happiness in their hands. No one’s happiness belongs in the possession of another. Yet, I’ve heard from individuals in my professional and personal life all about how “someone has done something to me,” which creates a victimized mentality.

Where can anyone find power in themselves when they are giving it away to get validation that never lasts anyway?

I think of people I’ve thanked a bazillion times for their help, including my parents, but it’s never enough. They want to abuse the right, they feel they earned by giving in either how they believe I should treat them, or what I should give to them.

And people who give in this way, sabotage not only the relationship, but validate their belief of their own worth. It’s a painful cycle.

Whether it’s money or something mimicking love (love is free without attachment), we give so much of ourselves or our bank account, we create a deficit that must be filled…and yet we create situations, which make it impossible to be re-filled, on purpose.

It happens all the time, if we don’t pay attention to the signs; we allow people into our lives, based off the familiarity of our initial relationships.

Some of us think (I was one for a very long time) that if someone¬†believes we shit gold bricks, then they must recognize something in us, which we don’t see in ourselves.

And if it’s extreme, as though we’re to be convinced that the feelings we’re receiving¬†are genuine, they’re not. It’s not to say someone can’t like us and put us on a pedestal, it’s to say they’re giving to get. Whether it’s in complements, words of adoration, listening to us vent, money, gifts, or crossing over their personal boundaries….it’s all to receive some validation.

For the receiver, we may think¬†it’s assuring us we’re okay…even when we¬†feel somewhat funky with all that attention. I had¬†this cycle for years, until I really started to lay down some boundaries, which meant I attracted¬†very few who were giving to get with me.

And on the other hand, I gave to get¬†in my romantic relationships….all the time.

I was the perfect housewife, mother, lover, friend, etc…giving, giving, giving and it was never enough…and I never felt good when I’d be proving my wonderfulness….I’d become resentful, angry and tired. I’d assume and personalize everyone else, all the time.

It’s not just an imbalance, it’s a call to see where we’re begging for validation, for love…to receive the outcome we want.

Our opportunity lies in giving love and validation to ourselves; this is where many cannot shift their focus from the other person to themselves.

Awareness of our patterns, asking why we allow ourselves to act in an extreme way, will usually give an opening to old wounds, beliefs and the patterns we’ve created to stay in this self-destructive place. We believe we deserve to destruct, that our value is minimal, when we give all of ourselves away to receive anything in return.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turning Fifty, is the New 30 and Other Fallacies

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I wasn’t going to write this piece, but since I am hellbent on more authenticity in my life, here goes.

I am turning 50 in 13 days. EEEEEK!

Well it was more of a “Holy Crap” for the past 6 months with an “Oh well–I am alive and I am grateful”¬†sort of statement mixed in there….and a little Hell yeah M.F**kers!

The past few months have included an “accelerated version” of the past almost 50 years in terms of change, love, crisis, and realizations.

I decided to write a list.

A personal list.

If you can relate…cool…and if not, that’s cool too.

What 50 Actually Means To Me (truly what any age can mean)

1. Comparison to others brings no joy. Don’t steal your own joy–love who you are fully. Yeah baby!

2. Giving two shits about pleasing others, so they are happy and you are miserable is a waste of time. Totally.

I realized when my dad had a heart attack last month (and now has congestive heart failure), and my mother acted in such an overly dramatic way without me even seeing her (I hadn’t spoken to them since May, because I was really spending time with myself trying to figure out how to have a relationship with them that wouldn’t have to do with me throwing away my own feelings in favor of my mother’s feelings) that it confirmed a HUGE cycle in my life.

It¬†always came to a dramatic crisis with her, no matter how I tried or didn’t, always, always…she would be the victim (or the martyr and I would be the perpetrator) and my dad would always stand for her inappropriate behavior–and criticize me.

I realized after all these years, it had little to do with me and my trying to do anything to change HER cycle. ¬†I allowed it to be at the root of so much shit, which I in turn spent years beating myself up about…that¬†in the end all I could be is who I am.

So, if you can stop kicking yourself, you can change your life.

3. Being in the present moment–connected to yourself–not pulled by what is going on around you is the most awesome place to live!

Even better–having crisis around you, slowing it down emotionally and checking in with yourself to ask how you want to feel. Then following that confirmation with action.

4. Blaming others and the world is truly an excuse for whatever you don’t want responsibility for…

Even though there was a HUGE amount of drama last month, I looked at it objectively–I didn’t personalize it, even though a lot of it was thrown at me. Again, I asked how I could show up for me authentically and with that, I felt good. And honey, that is what matters!

4. Assuming, personalizing, talking shit, and being an asshole for no reason–DO NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY—EVER.

5. Change is not just taking yoga, meditating, going on walks or getting a massage (they feel good and I love all those things)…

It’s about moving through the inertia, the stuff that says NO when a voice inside wants it to be YES…its about creating an emotional experience that is more than likely counter-intuitive and will shake your shit up a bit! Or a lot!

6. It’s a choice to stay stuck in a painful relationship.

I have heard every reason and excuse known to mankind, from who will mow the lawn to I’m afraid to be alone.¬†If you’re stuck its not about the other person–it’s you. Get awareness on YOUR why, look into your beliefs and why you need the validation from this source and start to do #5.

7. Life isn’t perfect and no one else is either.

I mentor people for a living, so being authentic is truly important, right?

I had a shitty day and another shitty day, this week and it’s only Wednesday, LOL! By saying it, it doesn’t mean I wallow in it or color the whole day ugly and sign off from living.

Instead, I try to see if there’s a theme…then I can take action to change it if I WANT. And if it’s random, then I accept it as such…no one has a charmed life–I’m not perfect.¬†You still have to wake up with yourself everyday…and some days are easier–so be kind to your imperfect self..and all the other imperfect peeps out there.

8. You get to choose if you engage with others or not.

I’m one of those people that is approachable–it’s not unusual for me to learn someone’s life story on an airplane…or even a bar. ūüôā BUT, it’s my choice. Just because people want to talk about themselves or even throw their crap all over you, doesn’t mean you have to take it…you can again ask yourself what you are available for and stand by it. It’s easier than you think.

9. It’s okay if people leave your life. And you can still love them.

10. Talk to strangers, it’s fun! Smile at people–it connects you.

11. Always break out of your comfort zone, especially as you get older.

12. Abundance is a state of living and so is scarcity–living in fear of the WHAT IFS or HOLDING ON TIGHT is a waste of time.

13. So what….if something doesn’t happen, perhaps a better outcome is headed your way. Being unattached to an outcome, means there’s opportunity for all sorts of good stuff.

14. Hard times are temporary.

Unless you like it that way–then being a victim is where you’ll stay. Until you take self-responsibility for your life–hard times will remain. When you start seeing how you show up, based on what you believe about yourself and the world, then you can move out of this small, small, place you live and take control of your emotions…thereby making HAPPIER different choices for YOU.

15. Controlling others and the outside is a waste of energy, because it doesn’t work anyway.

Remember life is short…30 seems like yesterday and so does 18, which means if they flew by at lightening speed–I better live the heck out of this life to get the full experience!

And nope, I wouldn’t want to be 30 at 50, I am a much kinder, gentler, more abundant and peaceful…completely happier soul now than I ever was in my younger days.

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