The magic of a mentor! (along with Ricky Martin, dead squirrels, deep ends and other things…)

Written by my client Cindy! I love her words!! Check her out! XO

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Cannonball!!!! Splash!!!  Into the deep end!!  I wish I could say that’s how it is happening, my introduction into blogging.  A big splash!  Like before America knew who Ricky Martin was, and his breakout performance on the ’99 Grammy’s, everyone was sitting there in the audience watching him sing La Copa de la Vida shaking his hips, doing his salsa moves and the audience was mesmerized wondering who the hell is this dude?!   I’m NOT comparing myself to Ricky Martin in the least, I can’t speak a lick of Spanish and I don’t really know what La Copa de la Vida means (well I do now, I looked it up, its Cup of Life!)  I’m talking about his splash!  That shit was a SPLASH!  Now here I am ready to make “my splash” into the blogging world,  but it’s more like I’m cautiously standing two feet away from a three inch ledge peering into a five foot deep pool.  I’m…

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Falling In Love With…

Falling…as in doing a face plant into love. Sounds sorta painful doesn’t it?

Often for those of us with a penchant for perfectionism, we may find ourselves with a lack of awareness falling into something, and at some later point waking up wondering how we got there!

Our fantasies had originally taken off with our now ‘real’ mate as the central focal point in the perfect play. And we wonder over and over, how did we get here? In the beginning we believed it was perfect, now it has become a fractured fairy tale.

Some of us find this position, not just in relationships, but searching for salvation in some part of our lives. Looking for that scenario–always perfect in mind, and we hope its what saves us…and the one we PERFECTLY imagine to be our dream come true, until it’s not.

What goes wrong?

Acceptance…or lack thereof.

I’d be remiss in not mentioning other items of equal importance, which add to the dissatisfying smorgasbord associated with ‘falling anywhere’.

An inability to shift your perception. Ignoring your own intuition and basically letting your subconscious run rampant with its ol’ rule book! The one about remaining within the guidelines of your belief and it’s supporting cast of patterns to keep on doing things the same ol’ way!

Acceptance leads to falling deeper in love with yourself.

It’s kinda boring isn’t it, to keep thinking and doing in the same ol’ way? I find it rather exhausting when I start to wonder why circumstances don’t change when I find myself in the same ol’ bullshit.

I’m keeping this short.

If you fall in love and wake up wondering what the mystery meat is, it is you. It is your lack.

Lack of awareness, acceptance, understanding, ability to shift or change, desire, and love for what you choose and who you are!

Lack

Lack

Lack

lack in attitude

Wanna skip the face plants? Aren’t you over being in a state of attachment to an ideal and ready to really feel the true abundance of fulfillment and love?

Then do it now.

Fall in love with yourself and everyone else in your life (with or without a mate)….and pay attention. Look for where you see lack and recognize it is not true (only in your mind). Look at your desire for perfectionism and ask yourself what has it ever got you, which made you happy?

Find yourself….and let go of the impostor who has been masquerading as you all these years and falling, instead of grounding and then rising into acceptance of every little nose hair, wrinkle, and imperfection both inside and out.

Even if you make millions of dollars a year, YOU will never be happy deep inside until you really do love yourself for just being YOU.

Assumptions and Real Love Don’t Mix

Ask the Questions

Standing in front of him, as he states the plans for his weekend trip, and you’re wondering why after months of dating he doesn’t introduce you when he goes to visit family?

You don’t ask. You feel hurt and seethe inside. 

Your husband keeps coming home later and later from work. You feel something is funny, but tell yourself he is just working hard for the family.

You don’t ask. You pray.

Your girlfriend says she is busy, so you make excuses for her, instead of noticing these are just bullshit reasons to maintain a distance…..

You don’t ask a direct question. You help keep her dramatic story going.

Your mate tells you a story, instead of getting to the truth, you start to strategize how you will act, perhaps you will people please or be in opposition, and focus on getting things to stay the same, so you’re in control.

You don’t ask, because then things would be out of your control, even though you feel like crap inside.

There are so many scenarios where questions are not asked and why is that my friends?

FEAR.

Fear Is A Fucker.Don't Let It Screw You

It gives the illusion of a loss of control.

It’s easier to live in a false sense of comfort than to rattle the cage of your relationship and deal with the fall out.

Change is scary and most of us would rather create a story of fiction than to get into the nonfiction parts of our lives.

Here’s the deal…..

When you avoid the truth by not asking the direct questions (kindly) and seeking a bona fide REAL answer, all you do is prolong your own misery and the inevitable ugly mess, which will transpire at some point.

It’s unavoidable!

All items swept under the rug do not go away, they become a BIG lump.

Get some courage together, even if you’re shaky and words slowly tumble out of your mouth as you choke….do it. You will feel better, even if things appear beyond your control!

Make sure when you ask the questions, it is not to accuse or to corner someone, it is to seek out of curiosity and understand on a deeper level, so you can make appropriate choices for yourself.

Making appropriate choices for yourself is huge, because you get to be in charge of YOU. It allows you to be vulnerable (which is your truth) and connect to your authenticity.

Real love requires authenticity. And I say this as real love being a place of non-attachment to outcomes, which feed our subconscious confirmation of old crappy beliefs. Real love requires transparency, otherwise we will build barriers of resentment against it.

Try it!

Real love requires transparency, otherwise we will build barriers of resentment against it.

You ain’t got nothing to lose, but what you would’ve lost in the first place.

Remember assumptions are stories YOU have created, they keep you in a bubble–at a distance, because you’ve assumed all sorts of crap about someone else that may or may not be true. You’ve judged it and made it into a story where you’re either the victim or the hero…

You make it where IN YOUR MIND you cannot lose. And at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself what you’re really holding onto and why.

What are the questions you are afraid to ask???

 

Why Are My Relationships So Hard?

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Once upon a time in a land far far away, there was a fairy princess and her prince (or a princess and a princess, or a prince and a prince–whatever the modern fairy tale would be for you). Point is it seemed like it was easy in the ‘ever after part’ right?

We all figured it would be magical!

And we set our vision on having that magical person enter our life.

But do you remember what it took for these two to hook up? I mean really, besides mythological creatures, there were family members who interfered with the road to the characters’ love and happiness!

It was HARD work!

For most of us we were raised in families, where we learned a lot about relationships being hard. It doesn’t necessarily mean abusive, it just means HARD.

Many of us learned at an early age not to want very much, but to expect a lot from our mate. It was a relationship paradox.

When I was married I wondered why I couldn’t have it all–that deep intimacy or even some of it. Why was it so freakin’ HARD!?

Lotsa reasons. Starting with me.

Our expectations aren’t even in alignment with reality and at the same time we accept far less than we deserve. Some of us are waiting for the other person to turn into our dream prince or princess.

Think I’m kidding?

A client of mine suffered anxiety and an intense yearning for an old love to wake up and smell the coffee. She wanted her past love, a mentally unstable, abusive individual, to seek help, be magically repaired and show up on her doorstep! I said to her, “You do realize that people who are ready for a happy and healthy relationship don’t dream of turning someone who has a lot of emotional dysfunction into their dream mate, right?” And I added, “What would you do if that happened? You only choose partners based on their emotional distance to intimacy. Could you deal with being vulnerable?”

My client, like many others, ended up in relationships, which were just hard.

Some wait years for the payoff,  because there has to be something (usually unidentifiable– just a feeling of a reward dangling). They watched Mom or Dad waiting, or suffering through hard labor.

I’ve worked with people who have been together for years, listening to one partner complain over and over to me about how the other partner just doesn’t get it! The complainer isn’t doing anything but complaining about something that they don’t even want to change.

Why?

Because it is the level of emotional availability the complainer was used to receiving as a child. We want a list of characteristics from a mate, because we’ve been told to want it, and deep down at our core, we all want emotional intimacy. But the problem in between is we didn’t learn how to be vulnerable and unguarded. In many cases we attracted someone where their ability to get close is limited too. We match each other.

Many of us are used to working too hard for emotional connection.

The ‘how’ in getting emotionally close to another human being can be a challenge, so we purposely choose partners where the focus is on the arduous journey to claw our way to intimacy (and rarely get there). We look for complicated, hard and tortuous opportunities to prove ourselves (and at times be superior to the other person). Be careful what you wish for, because if it were actually to come true, you may not know what to do with yourself.

We end up with hard, because we come from scarcity.

Scarcity means there’s not enough love, not enough good ones and perhaps, we don’t feel we’re good enough to deserve what we want. And so we settle for less and doing HARD labor.

Obviously, some don’t go down this road, but I am speaking to those people who feel relationships are hard. Yes, staying together takes commitment and work, but not the kind of work hard relationships represent.

Forget perfection or somebody to wait on you hand and foot, I’m talking someone to be emotionally intimate with you. Many married couples have no emotional intimacy, it’s not just a single person thing. Scarcity of love, of believing you deserve to have intimacy and then being able to handle it takes a lot of self-awareness, confidence and openness.

Vulnerability is hard to maintain for many long-term relationships, when one or both partners don’t want to be vulnerable because they might lose their stance. Over time, some fall into: “I’m right, you’re wrong,” and it’s a hard way to live.

Having a partner who is in a state of resistance to you, no matter what you seek, is tiring… and HARD. Nagging, whining or the silent treatment are wonderful ways to never get close to your partner. And for singles who seem to have someone they cannot get over, because they’re still waiting for the reward or the validation of what they didn’t get in that relationship, it is just as hard.

Alison was still married, desiring an ex-boyfriend from high school who also was still married. Alison wanted a divorce, and felt this electrical connection to her old ex-mate. He couldn’t offer much in his current situation, but he felt he was offering enough just by communicating and having clandestine meetings with her. He kept promising her he would leave his wife too. Alison found she couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat and spent a lot of time fantasizing about what it would be like to finally be with her high school sweetheart! She was trying to escape her current reality. The heightened emotional state she had with her boyfriend made her feel they had true intimacy, but all they really shared was a desire to avoid their current lives. In both relationships, there was no intimacy.

Real intimacy requires commitment.

What can you do?

  • Stop looking for things to be hard, find the ease.
  • Learn to love yourself and be intimate with you first.
  • Surrender, take down those useless walls that keep love out.
  • Look at how you come from a lack mentality–see where scarcity plays a part and shift it.
  • Finally commit to yourself that vulnerability, openness and ease are your goals in the relationship with yourself… and then others.

Do you see the difference between commitment towards intimacy and vulnerability vs. staying in a difficult relationship based on scarcity?

What’s Your Weirdness EQ?

Everyone is weird.

We’ve all heard that in so many quotes that have surfaced, right?

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Most people cringe when they think of how being weird might negatively affect them. What is a weirdness EQ? It’s your ability to emotionally handle your weirdness!

Yes, I made it up, but wouldn’t that be cool if there was a Weirdness EQ? Emotionally aware and accepting of your little quirks?

Hiding weirdness is a social disease; it ain’t got nothing to do with reality. In reality being human makes us weird. It makes us different and therefore it can make us lovable.

I owned a wonderful façade for years, which wouldn’t allow my weirdness to show.

But now… I’m a super freak! How about you?

My sense of humor runs the gamut of really disgusting to slapstick. My likes and dislikes show me how much I don’t fit into the mainstream. And I’m quite all right with not being PC.

Most of us want to appear normal so we’re not abandoned. It also means working at jobs which we hate or don’t suit us in the least. We may be depressed and not know why. For those of us that have felt different, we may think we always look weird (as though it stands out before we walk in the door) and that makes us uncomfortable.

We hope nobody can tell.

I’m not talking about acting goofy or childish, which is fun! I’m talking about just the weird things were drawn to and how we express ourselves. If you’re like me, you’re the curious type. Being curious about most things, which might be completely unacceptable to others, can make you appear weird.

But, weirdness is where I bond.

Before I connect with somebody else, a guru, a mentor or friend, I make sure they’ve actually shared characteristics about themselves which show they’re weird or unique–something which means they’re human. Think about the multitudes on Facebook who share shiny inspirational messages, but hide out in not showing themselves. There’s no sign of life or weirdness and I find it hard to follow–it’s boring and in the end, not inspirational.

I want to know the reality of the life of the person who is posting a meme or even speaking to me in private. I say let your uniqueness show. Isn’t that where we all connect?

What about doing work or being in a relationship where we hide qualities we think might be threatening to other people?

What if you’re the CEO of the company and you can’t stand showing up for work each day? But you want it to appear that you’re happy and successful so nobody really knows how much you suffer. We all help one another when we let our weird show. Anybody who is threatened by it is actually threatened by their own weirdness. One small caveat–just cuz you embrace your weird, doesn’t mean you should use it as a form of torture on others who may not share your view.

Being weird is a human tradition. Isn’t it what all great comedies are based on to some degree? The ability to laugh at yourself, but to also embrace your weird, because that bit of uniqueness could be the missing ingredient to your creating a life based on real happiness.

I came up with this list of questions, weirdly random. I answered them, so now it’s your turn. I’d love for you to do it in the comments below!

Have you ever danced in the rain? Yes and had mud-fights too.

What was your first thought when you woke up this morning? I can’t see! What day is it? I don’t remember this hole in my pajamas! Is this where I wanted to wake up…. where’s my coffee!?

If you could be any age for a week, what would it be and why? I think I’d be three or four. I want to play in a carefree way, with no responsibility. My sole goal is to get up and play… and take a nap. Yup, that would be fun!

Have you ever eaten a crayon or glue? I have eaten paste as a child. I think I may have munched on some crayons too.

Do you talk to yourself? Yes, and I sing to myself too.

Do you know your heritage? It’s actually ‘weirdly’ interesting and too long to share here.

What was a weird thing you did as a teenager? Drove with my friends in search of an infamous midget village in Long Beach. We combed the streets looking for this fabled land where everything was supposed to be small. Reminds me of the time I went snipe hunting.

I am sure there are more, but this is all I can remember right now.

Most bizarre talent? Hmmmm…touching my tongue to my nose or chin? I used to be able to burp many letters of the alphabet!

What is one thing you believe right now, you would never do on purpose? Skydive!

Ok… your turn!

Do You Treat Yourself As Someone You Love?

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Awhile back I was outside walking and doing my visualizations, etc. on the items I am manifesting in my life. It’s been interesting to observe my own thoughts as they have shifted from obsessing about certain areas of my life (love and money), to a very balanced overall desire for fulfillment across the board.

As I thought about how I shifted from years of making all desires about love, more than anything else I thought to myself, “I am ready for a life partner.”

I continued with, “I will love him as I love myself.” Whoa Nelly!

What?

That statement made me stop. It was an emotional epiphany and gave me pause. It lead to the next question, ” Do I treat myself like I would treat someone else I love?”

Oh yeah! And as the answer washed over me, opening all sorts of doors inside of me,  I realized if I don’t treat myself in this loving manner, at some point I will treat the other person the same way, I treat myself.

How Do You Treat Yourself?

I looked back at my most recent relationships, at some of the men I had recently dated, and asked myself not how I treated them, but how I treated me in the process.

Wow! Did that illuminate my love for me! I have come a long way from self-rejection, dislike and self-hatred when I was young. Now I’m in an on-and-off relationship with loving myself.

I do spend a significant amount of time connecting to my value, pleasing myself and emotionally taking care of me. But in the past? In the past I had been like the evil stepmother in Cinderella!

I dieted and exercised to the point of making it an obsession for years… stringent, depriving, unloving and wanting my body to do what it didn’t want to do! Does anyone see the love in that statement?

I worked like a dog. Pleasure? What was pleasure?

I took care of my kids. Not only were they first, I allowed them to be everything. Oh man, so not good!

I hid in my work, in things which would distract me from loving myself. I ALWAYS felt empty and wanted to feel validated.

I was a class A asshole to myself! I appeared to have it all together, but appearances, as we know, are deceiving.

I could be really cruel, and as I stood on the street that day during my walk, I saw how I had treated some of my previous partners. I gave to them from an empty well, expecting each of these guys to refill it. To give me what I demanded without giving it to myself. It was their job.

Where the hell did I get the idea that my emotional well-being was someone else’s duty?

I was raised to believe it. All I had to do was look at the relationship with my mother and continue to see it out in the world. When I turned on the TV or saw a movie or heard a song wailing away about ‘being done wrong’ by someone (not cheating–but someone feeling like shit because someone was not giving them what they wanted!). As I write this, I thought of that old song “Wedding Bell Blues” by the 5th Dimension.

Bill, I love you so, I always will
I look at you and see the passion eyes of May
Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day

I was on your side, Bill, when you were losin’
I never scheme or lie, Bill, there’s been no foolin’
But kisses and love won’t carry me till you marry me Bill

I love you so, I always will
And in your voice I hear a choir of carousels
Oh, but am I ever gonna hear my wedding bells

I was the one who came runnin’ when you were lonely
I haven’t lived one day not lovin’ you only
But kisses and love won’t carry me till you marry me Bill

I love you so, I always will
And though devotion rules my heart I take no bows
But Bill you’re never gonna take those wedding vows

Oh, come on Bill, oh, come on Bill
Come on and marry me, Bill, I got the wedding bell blues
Please marry me Bill, I got the wedding bell blues, wedding bell blues
Marry me Bill, I got the wedding bell blues

Hmmm… do the lyrics speak of this woman taking care of herself? Loving herself? Nope, she talks about feeling entitled, showing how he was first (not her) and he OWES her! Right?

She has no love for herself. She thinks by being a welcome mat for someone else, she can cajole the guy into thinking he owes her enough to marry her!

And if you were Bill, wouldn’t you keep running?

Dig Deep and Look at Your Expectations

Back to the street corner. Would I now, in this moment, expect somebody to refill what love I didn’t give myself?  I didn’t draw a hard line with myself, which is a huge improvement. Instead I realized how I had mellowed and wasn’t perfect (thankfully, I no longer take a toothbrush to the floorboards).

As I continued my walk,  I started running through my day and asking if each choice I made was toward pleasure, toward my goals, or in opposition. Did I practice self-care in the way I would like to care for somebody else? Did I make sure to have happy moments, or did I intend to keep attracting somebody who doesn’t make choices that are happy?

I really dug deep. I tend to pay attention to my choices. Are they life-expanding or life-shrinking? A lot of questions my friends, but if we really start to dig deep and look at our expectations, we will find how we treat ourselves to be surprising at times.

It’s okay if we don’t love ourselves all the time. We have all been raised with some sort of self-sabotaging beliefs, which we hold ourselves accountable for, to the degree of our awareness about our relationship with ourselves.

We have to communicate clearly with ourselves, not shirk away from our own treatment. And still live fully into accepting all that is lovable and not lovable inside of us. When we practice this self-accepting behavior, we start to show up differently. We stop treating others as a threat, especially when we want them to give to us now, and feel they won’t! Or we need distance or we want to go off feeling sorry for ourselves. We can find a kinder, more loving way to move through our relationships… especially the one with ourselves.

How do YOU treat yourself in relationships… past or present? Do you treat yourself the way you treat your partner? Please share…

Comparison and Self Criticism: Can You Say Toxic?

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Oh lordy! The things we say and do to ourselves can be quite the mixed bag.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt

By the time we get to comparing ourselves to others, there has been no joy. What motivates us to look at the lives of other people and think they have it better in some capacity, while diminishing ourselves? It never brings us to a happy finish line.

Joy, happiness and freedom do not appear simply because we’ve finally beat the Joneses and have everything promised in the American Dream. If we’re too busy focusing on what we don’t have, it is a statement about our inner world.

We’re in a state of lack. We feel less than and our inner critic is nipping at our heels.

The Curse of the Joneses

I lived in the hell of comparison for a good portion of my life. When I was young and felt about as attractive as beef stew, I thought prettier women had it easier. This obsessing over what was wrong with me and comparing myself continued for a couple of years. Until I got past the attractiveness ‘thing’ regarding my appearance and moved on to other points to compare myself to in life.

Get married, spawn some babies, have a couple of cars, a beautiful house, look freakin’ perfectly put together, appear to have no emotions and call myself a Stepford Wife. Okay, I wouldn’t go that far, but really in that part of my life, someone else always had a better something.

The more better all of these signs showed up, because I had ‘arrived’ in a certain lifestyle, the less satisfied I was in my life and ultimately, as my ex-husband put it as I left our marriage; I was choosing a life over a lifestyle.

Of course I continued comparing my life to others, which kept me stuck in relationships too long for fear of not letting go of ‘my one and only’ chance at whatever my inner state of lack was transmitting at the time.

The Inner Critic

What the hell was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I get it right? Others thought I had it right because I could really pull off the “I have my shit together” look. But inside I felt like a mess.

Why could someone else have a happy, healthy relationship while I attracted people who weren’t really a fit? Or where there was some major obstacle preventing us from hooking up to a pony and riding off into the sunset together? Why did it always seem like if someone else was successful, I wasn’t working hard enough? Why, why, why? Cue the inner critic!

That inner critic would start off by saying, “Well you’re too much, not enough, different, invisible, too loud, too quiet, too masculine, too feminine, you don’t deserve to be happy, you haven’t done enough yet,” and so on. Sound familiar?

The Contradiction in Criticism

I finally realized no matter what someone or something appeared to be, it had no bearing on their level of happiness. That’s the point at which I stopped comparing.

I mean, if I was to look at comparing now, Facebook is a breeding ground for bullshit, right? People talking about their resume of accomplishments to show the rest of the world their incomparable level of happiness, and anyone who wants to give their two cents should back off, right?

I have had clients tell me how looking at someone’s posts on Facebook is detrimental to their well-being because of how they feel ‘less than’ by comparison. They see friends having babies when they’re not, or getting married when they’re not or even entering relationships, and the whole while they’re having an inner dialogue about how they have apparently missed the marks in life and… what the hell is wrong with him or her?!!

The list goes on. If you have an inner critic that was spawned from the gates of hell like mine, here are a few things you can do to shut it up, stop comparing and start living!

  1. Don’t resist or argue with your inner critic. Treat it like your drunken neighbor: Put a pillow over your head and count sheep or just let it wail away without personalizing it, until it stops. And it will stop. It’s amazing what can happen when you don’t engage in an argument with yourself. Raise the white flag and surrender!
  2. See the drama play out until the end. If you hear “you suck” in your head or anything else when looking at someone else’s fairytale life, see it through to the end by asking questions. Why do I suck? What exactly makes me not worthy of a pink pony with a prince or princess galloping with me to our castle in the sky? Seriously….ask it questions, watch it lose its footing and hopefully disappear.
  3. Accept your fatal flaws, mistakes, failures, warts, defects, and what other ornaments you decorate your inner tree with. Just say YES to all that is f’d up within you. When you start owning it all, there’s nothing left to point out. And comparing yourself to others is boring because you know you’re human and so is everyone else. Even the Joneses.
  4. Be playful with life. See yourself through the eyes of the observer in a flirtatious way. Remember our true (as in fulfilling) accomplishments usually come as a result of being who we TRULY are, not who we think we’re SUPPOSED to be!
  5. Please remember no one is living a fairy tale existence. I know you’ve heard this a million times, but let it sink in emotionally. We all wake with morning breath and if we don’t keep our belly buttons clean, they can be the stinkiest part of our body. That goes for everyone!! See everyone through the eyes of reality instead of some hyped up fantasy (even if that’s the dish they’re feeding the rest of the world).

Where do you find yourself comparing yourself to others? Do you look at your neighbor in yoga class to make sure you’re ‘doing it right’? Maybe it’s the magazines you peruse at the check-out line, or perhaps Facebook is your ‘I’m not good enough’ platform of choice. In the comments below, please share where your comparison monster shows up!

 

Are You Hiding From Abundance?

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Catchy title, right?

I’ve found myself at multiple crossroads this year, each time with the question of ‘Who Am I?”

I believed I knew each time, but I was avoiding a few things. And for me, each time I did, it slapped me in the face immediately. No more hiding.

I could no longer be anyone else, but me.

I could no longer pretend to go along to get along.

I could no longer be around people for which I had to hide any part of me, or step back into the shadows and be less than who I was. And most of all… I had to accept the ‘woo-woo’ parts of who I am.

Accepting my flaws is a much easier road, and one where I no longer cringe at others finding out about me. We all have flaws. No one has their shit together when they’re hiding imperfections or insecurities.

When I went to dinner with a friend (someone I have also provided psychic readings for), she asked if it was okay for her to tell the waiter I was psychic. I wanted to crawl under the table, but in a position to really own this particular part of myself, I said ‘sure’.

Why my reaction?

Well, it’s not as though I stopped being psychic at different points in my life. I just separated it. When I was in certain situations I’d hide that part of me, and when I was doing business or socializing with ‘accepting’ friends, I let it out of the closet.

I worried how other people perceived me, perhaps thinking I lacked credibility. But when I came to the crossroads of understanding, and how not just that part of me, but other parts of me were submerged in the dark, invisible to the naked eye, I knew it was my WHY.

WHY things could feel bad; WHY things didn’t work out; WHY (until I embraced this and other murky parts of me from my POV) I stayed in a state of struggle. My struggle was deep within, so of course it is reflected in the creation of lack in my outside world.

What I’m getting at here is how our internal struggle and characteristics of our personality, abilities, etc. which make us want to cringe… keep us stuck. If we’re not showing up as the ‘whole’ and instead just as fragments of what WE THINK is acceptable, then we’re screwing ourselves out of an abundant, joyful life.

I’ve been working on my subconscious beliefs for years. I had some help this year and the practitioner said it was time to own all I do… including the spirituality, the energy work and other gifts I had submerged in the murkiness.

Anyone relate to what I am saying?

Fearing we won’t be accepted by others, we live this life of quiet desperation and major struggle. I’m not talking about throwing it out there as a Facebook post. I’m talking about living it all in 3D!

As long as you or I remain hiding some part of who we are, which could be a major gift to the world, and instead play it safe, we aren’t saying YES to life. We’re saying NO to possibility and remaining a limited version of who we truly are. That sucks!

If you want true fulfillment and abundance, the only way to get there is own what makes you cringe. If people around you don’t accept you, it’s not your problem because living a limited version of who you are is way more detrimental to your well-being than it is to find your true tribe!

This is not an easy process. It does include loss, pain and trying to find new footing, but the payoff is huge.

Look at where you have a state of lack. What are you hiding from the world? Wherever you’ve submerged parts of you out of protection, basically fear, you are hindering your ability to receive what can be a true match for you.

Notice how you show up with different people; how certain characteristics are acceptable and others get shoved to the side.

See if you can allow an opening for what is hidden to come out in just one of those situations.

See how uncomfortable it is, and at the same time experience the freedom.

Have you noticed this in your own behavior? Have you felt uncomfortable when attempting to ‘be you’? Please share in the comments.

The Mystery Of Synchronicity

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How are you?

Me?

I’ve been in the midst of a growth spurt in my perspective, spirituality and old emotional limitations.

It means hunkering down, as I follow the flow of my energy and pay attention to where I’m to focus intuitively rather than where I would normally spend my time. Meaning, I tend to spend a great deal of my free time with myself–reading, meditating, writing, letting go of blocks (including pain), and working with other people who guide me to see what I cannot see in myself.

The more I stay connected, the more abundant I feel within, and the result is amazing change in all parts of my life. Stories which blow my heart and soul!

Recently I purchased a couple of courses for the purpose of up-leveling my energy in the area of abundance (one topic I struggled with for YEARS!).

The course isn’t something I would recommend, though I share it because of a couple funny, synchronistic surprises that surfaced yesterday.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

When it comes to synchronicity, I look at events and words spoken by others. I stopped searching for signposts in the form of billboards, license plates, discarded trash or anything else which I would try to forcefully derive meaning from.

Sometimes we are looking for excuses to stay where we are and can interpret all sorts of signs in and around us.

In the case of the funny little surprises yesterday, it started when one of the questions in the course wanted me to recognize where synchronicity showed up in my life. Asking if certain number combinations showed up, such as the ones mentioned by the authors as 111. For them personally, this number combo was validation, they were in a place of total alignment in their lives.

I used to look at the clock at exactly 10:13, my birth date, but its been a long time since I noticed… along with 11:11 or any other number combinations.

I sat there scratching my head and thinking about possibilities. There was the sleeping homeless guy I left a bottle of water for and wondered if he got it when he woke up. I asked my higher power for confirmation, which I received, in a way, which raised the hair on my neck, because it was pretty cool.

I notice when I don’t force things, everything I need shows up in a timely manner… but could I say anything else about synchronicity right now? Hmmm.

I happened to be driving on the freeway yesterday and noticed a Uhaul (I’m in the midst of house hunting), and an illustration on the side of it stated “Baffin Islands”…I thought to myself, that’s weird!

I’ve been reading The Science of Getting Rich over and over for the past six months. On those pages (which I read earlier in the day) was a reference to Baffin Bay, which I had never heard of prior to reading this book. I felt that moment of yes, I’m on the right path, headed in the right direction and will be moving where I want (um… not to Greenland, which is where Baffin Bay is located).

I could be stretching, but this was so in my consciousness that intuitively I knew it was a sign.

Later that night, as I was driving home from a friend’s home, I happened to look down at my dashboard and realized the humor of the Universe. My Acura (the first car I’ve paid off and held onto without trading it in) hit the mileage 111,111. Yup! It was the numbers in the coursework assignment, which the authors loved… times two! Not sure of the meaning for myself, except knowing where I am and what I’m doing are exactly where I am supposed to be now.

So…synchronicity. It’s the meaning you give it. Sometimes it is an unmistakable, in-your-face sign and other times it is only a subtle confirmation that you’re headed where you want to go. Now and in the future.

Do you ever look at the clock when it’s your birthday, or see other numbers appear over and over again? Do you assign meaning to it, or just shrug it off as a coincidence? Please share in the comments!

 

Ghosting: New or Old? WTH?

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I didn’t want to write a blog post on this topic. I read the articles on the subject after someone suggested I speak on “ghosting” for my radio show. Big sigh.

Blech.

I mean really?

Here we have the ghost:

Bad manners; individuals exhibiting no compassion (for themselves and others); guilt-inducing baggage; hiding from themselves and others. Uh….keeping a separation from head to heart and lying to themselves about it being acceptable behavior with some story they invent to assuage their feelings on being an asshole.

And on the receiving end of the ghosting phenom… the haunted! An individual wondering what the hell happened. What did they do wrong? Their boyfriend or girlfriend was in the midst of packing up boxes to move in with them and just split. Poof! Into thin air! No explanation, nor sign that anything was wrong.

Plus the ghosted has the not-so-fun job of stalking the other person (if they so choose) to get to the bottom of what spooked the ghost. This amidst their own self-doubt, insecurities and anxieties triggered by the promise of more… and then cut off by abandonment.

People have been doing this for-e-v-e-r! Before technology. In the old days, they’d just hop on their horse and ride off to places unknown, where no cell phone or advent of technology was even a thought in someone’s mind.

And so, I didn’t want to write about it, because it’s so tense and deep. It’s a place where someone wants to point the finger… play victim to the persecutor and create a really thick plot. Then I have to grab my shovel to try and dig up what actually happened, plus the meaning (if any) that’s attached to the scenario.

Ghosting is not just disappearing out of the life of a loved one or someone you’re dating… it’s any situation where an individual does a disappearing act without a peep!

How does a person not sense when someone is about to jump ship? Were they dismissive about the actions of their lover, attributing odd behavior to cold feet or their jittery ticks to being the norm? How was commitment discussed; were the two people honest about life-changing choices? Or was someone fibbing and the other person afraid to call em’ on it?

Fear of abandonment can make us do crazy things and put up with less than we deserve. Fear of engulfment can make us put our running shoes and jog to the next state, so we don’t get swallowed up by the emotions of another person… or our own emotional state.

What about humans who accept a new job, but turn into a ghost on their first day of work? Why do people bolt without a word from a variety of situations? Ever been on the way to some celebration for a person you cared about and at the last minute steered the wheel in another direction. I mean ghosting shows up everywhere!

And when the text messages, phone calls or possible confrontations bring the specter back to life, it just isn’t good for anyone. The ghosted wants answers, but the ghost never wanted to offer one in the first place or he/she would’ve spoken before taking flight.

I have personally done this in the form of not showing up to social events I was expected to attend. Or with guys I never had a conversation with, except online, and instead of saying I’m not interested (which I had done in the past), I disappeared. Coward? Yes. In the case of guys I shared a few texts with where it was glaringly obvious to me it wasn’t good to continue, I silently slid out the texting door.

And in cases where you have someone with unpredictable or extreme behavior, becoming a ghost is probably the best idea. In my case, the times I said, “I wasn’t interested” to a few men, it actually unleashed some sort of unreasonable anger from them, which didn’t originate with our exchanges and made me grateful they didn’t know where I lived!

So, as I bring this topic, which I didn’t want to write to a close…..

I will leave you with some alternatives, comments and tips.

  1. Be honest–everyone. If you know on a gut level communication isn’t honest and you’re reading signs (like the ones Carrie ignored in the Sex and The City movie), but hoping if you pressure your mate/date or pretend everything is hunky dory, they will somehow wear ruby red slippers too… it’s time to be real. Speak your truth. And if you’re the one who can’t handle disappointing someone, so you make your date/mate into a big scary monster and soothe yourself with a story of why you silently slithered out of bed and left no note with a cold pillow in your wake.. .time to man or woman up! Be honest.
  2. Get real with yourself. What do you really want? Don’t try to please someone else by going along with what they want, WHEN YOU DO NOT WANT IT TOO. It’s okay to stand up for yourself.
  3. If you’re ghosted, do your best not to take it personally. Assume nothing and dig deep. Where could you have taken responsibility for any events leading up to them being MIA? Taking responsibility gives you a modicum of control over your emotions.
  4. Adding on to number three: Forget trying to find a reason. Your intellect will never be satisfied, so closure is something you will have to give to yourself. Question to ask yourself… what were you really getting here? Where were you attached, and where did you create your own expectations? Again, the more responsibility, the more control.
  5. Engulfment/abandonment: These two love to swim side by side, performing water ballet, until one partner has sucked in too much chlorine and darted out of the pool to somewhere safe. One person dreads abandonment and the other dreads engulfment. They are two sides of the same coin.

I am sure there’s more, but this topic could make for a book. Perhaps even a series of books on manners, communication or toxic emotional states… or recipes?

Whether in a romantic relationship, with a friend or at work, have you ever been ghosted? Or been the GHOST? I’d love to hear experiences from both sides… and what feelings resulted.