Do You Treat Yourself As Someone You Love?

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Awhile back I was outside walking and doing my visualizations, etc. on the items I am manifesting in my life. It’s been interesting to observe my own thoughts as they have shifted from obsessing about certain areas of my life (love and money), to a very balanced overall desire for fulfillment across the board.

As I thought about how I shifted from years of making all desires about love, more than anything else I thought to myself, “I am ready for a life partner.”

I continued with, “I will love him as I love myself.” Whoa Nelly!

What?

That statement made me stop. It was an emotional epiphany and gave me pause. It lead to the next question, ” Do I treat myself like I would treat someone else I love?”

Oh yeah! And as the answer washed over me, opening all sorts of doors inside of me,  I realized if I don’t treat myself in this loving manner, at some point I will treat the other person the same way, I treat myself.

How Do You Treat Yourself?

I looked back at my most recent relationships, at some of the men I had recently dated, and asked myself not how I treated them, but how I treated me in the process.

Wow! Did that illuminate my love for me! I have come a long way from self-rejection, dislike and self-hatred when I was young. Now I’m in an on-and-off relationship with loving myself.

I do spend a significant amount of time connecting to my value, pleasing myself and emotionally taking care of me. But in the past? In the past I had been like the evil stepmother in Cinderella!

I dieted and exercised to the point of making it an obsession for years… stringent, depriving, unloving and wanting my body to do what it didn’t want to do! Does anyone see the love in that statement?

I worked like a dog. Pleasure? What was pleasure?

I took care of my kids. Not only were they first, I allowed them to be everything. Oh man, so not good!

I hid in my work, in things which would distract me from loving myself. I ALWAYS felt empty and wanted to feel validated.

I was a class A asshole to myself! I appeared to have it all together, but appearances, as we know, are deceiving.

I could be really cruel, and as I stood on the street that day during my walk, I saw how I had treated some of my previous partners. I gave to them from an empty well, expecting each of these guys to refill it. To give me what I demanded without giving it to myself. It was their job.

Where the hell did I get the idea that my emotional well-being was someone else’s duty?

I was raised to believe it. All I had to do was look at the relationship with my mother and continue to see it out in the world. When I turned on the TV or saw a movie or heard a song wailing away about ‘being done wrong’ by someone (not cheating–but someone feeling like shit because someone was not giving them what they wanted!). As I write this, I thought of that old song “Wedding Bell Blues” by the 5th Dimension.

Bill, I love you so, I always will
I look at you and see the passion eyes of May
Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day

I was on your side, Bill, when you were losin’
I never scheme or lie, Bill, there’s been no foolin’
But kisses and love won’t carry me till you marry me Bill

I love you so, I always will
And in your voice I hear a choir of carousels
Oh, but am I ever gonna hear my wedding bells

I was the one who came runnin’ when you were lonely
I haven’t lived one day not lovin’ you only
But kisses and love won’t carry me till you marry me Bill

I love you so, I always will
And though devotion rules my heart I take no bows
But Bill you’re never gonna take those wedding vows

Oh, come on Bill, oh, come on Bill
Come on and marry me, Bill, I got the wedding bell blues
Please marry me Bill, I got the wedding bell blues, wedding bell blues
Marry me Bill, I got the wedding bell blues

Hmmm… do the lyrics speak of this woman taking care of herself? Loving herself? Nope, she talks about feeling entitled, showing how he was first (not her) and he OWES her! Right?

She has no love for herself. She thinks by being a welcome mat for someone else, she can cajole the guy into thinking he owes her enough to marry her!

And if you were Bill, wouldn’t you keep running?

Dig Deep and Look at Your Expectations

Back to the street corner. Would I now, in this moment, expect somebody to refill what love I didn’t give myself?  I didn’t draw a hard line with myself, which is a huge improvement. Instead I realized how I had mellowed and wasn’t perfect (thankfully, I no longer take a toothbrush to the floorboards).

As I continued my walk,  I started running through my day and asking if each choice I made was toward pleasure, toward my goals, or in opposition. Did I practice self-care in the way I would like to care for somebody else? Did I make sure to have happy moments, or did I intend to keep attracting somebody who doesn’t make choices that are happy?

I really dug deep. I tend to pay attention to my choices. Are they life-expanding or life-shrinking? A lot of questions my friends, but if we really start to dig deep and look at our expectations, we will find how we treat ourselves to be surprising at times.

It’s okay if we don’t love ourselves all the time. We have all been raised with some sort of self-sabotaging beliefs, which we hold ourselves accountable for, to the degree of our awareness about our relationship with ourselves.

We have to communicate clearly with ourselves, not shirk away from our own treatment. And still live fully into accepting all that is lovable and not lovable inside of us. When we practice this self-accepting behavior, we start to show up differently. We stop treating others as a threat, especially when we want them to give to us now, and feel they won’t! Or we need distance or we want to go off feeling sorry for ourselves. We can find a kinder, more loving way to move through our relationships… especially the one with ourselves.

How do YOU treat yourself in relationships… past or present? Do you treat yourself the way you treat your partner? Please share…

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