For most of us, it can be pretty exhilarating to start a new job, a new relationship, find a new place to live, make new friends, join in new activities and take off on new adventures. All of this can play in shaping our perspective of possibilities, which some believe determines ‘who they are as a person.’
So, when these outside events change–we make a judgment, which alters our perception of our possibilities.
Julie thought her new job would be the answer to her unhappy home life. She saw herself enjoying the perks this company offered, including travel to other countries. It was her dream job!
At first, she was caught up in the excitement of the ‘new’ and the ability to be removed from her home life on a semi-regular basis. About three months into her job, she noticed she felt pretty much the same as she did, before she took the job…in fact, she felt worse.
Julie hated going home. It meant dealing with the circumstances that she put aside when she took the job, she thought this type of change equaled a shift in her power, and her control over her life. It didn’t.
Our circumstances are a direct reflection of our relationship with ourselves, but don’t ‘define’ who we are and our possibilities. True change, causes a shift in our inner world, supported by loving action to the outer world.
We stand in the way of change by remaining focused on believing things around us must first change. This keeps possibilities limited. We may talk to our therapist or coach, vomiting our drama, feeling temporarily better, but achieving nothing new inside.
To change and perceive our lives without limitations, we must take an honest look within to understand how we don’t really act in our own best interest.
True change comes from the inside to the outside.
George came to his last session stating he wanted the key to change by the end of the session. He was frustrated and angry at his life. In the past, we discussed all the ways George could change his life, but those idea of boundaries overwhelmed him. Those options meant he might lose control of the stalemate he held in his relationship and his business, or it might offend or place him in a position of possible loss.
Change always includes loss, even if it’s an image of ‘what’s possible’ that we’re losing.
If we want change we must be willing to give up our PERCEIVED control of others and our unhappy circumstances. Expectations of keeping the status quo will influence our ability to set a new precedence.
Mark has been married for 30 years. His wife is his roommate, they haven’t had sex for 15 years. He desires an opportunity to fall in love with someone else. Mark’s afraid to leave the comfort of his situation, for the unknown…at least here he’s appreciated for mowing the lawn, cooking dinner and taking out the trash. If he creates boundaries or leaves, what will become of his life?
We need to take a risk, and get honest with ourselves. What’s the benefit to our current unhappiness and keeping the focus on everyone, but ourselves? What are we afraid of losing if we change? Why does having a limited picture of possibilities suit us? Why do we seek struggle?
Three things that need to happen to create change forever:
- Consistent Honesty With Yourself.
- Boundaries That You Live By First.
- Action To Support Who You Are And What You TRULY Want.