I get tired of people writing other people off.
I listen as they speak volumes on the negative qualities possessed by the person who apparently tortures them.
Why can’t he or she act right?
If he or she would just do the right thing, then everything would be okay!
As though this is somehow a solution to anything. We may get to a point where we write them off, as just badly damaged, beyond repair or broken…and I say, “Why do we speak of people as though they are a non-functioning old TV set?”
Who are we to place the responsibility of any situation entirely on the shoulders of someone who has clearly shown they’re not capable of carrying the world on their shoulders?
Did we select them? Did they choose to be responsible for our happiness? Our success? Our anything?
How does one go about making sure they are chosen for the job of most shamed?
And on the other side of the coin, we don’t want our issues resolved, because then we’d have to take responsibility.
Could it be that…
We want to be disappointed.
We want to be victimized, we like having no power–so then there is nothing, which happens, which is our fault.
Our issues have nothing to do with anybody, but ourselves.
We are our own issue.
And every single person has value. Even people who we keep trying to devalue, blame and place responsibility for things falling apart onto….it has to be someone’s fault, right?
When it comes to people who seem to consistently disappoint, it’s really a matter of how they see their own value.
How they see themselves may be skewed–so they don’t see their truth, and instead, act in ways to support their belief that they’re unworthy, et al. Often, we see these as the people we want to write off, because of their inconsistency, withdrawal, laziness, stonewalling or any sort of negative mood or attitude that pushes other people away.
I know, because I’ve been that person. I’ve also been on the receiving end of it. Most people who show up that way, are not horrible people (excluding abusive individuals).
They want love as much as the next person.
They may lack the awareness about their core belief in believing they deserve love, goodness and acceptance. They just stand in their own way.
Can we fix them?
Give them self-help reading materials?
Paint an arrow on the road, leading this way?
No. Not really.
First, all any of us can do, is to take care of ourselves.
Second, if someone wants to open up and recognize their value, it’s not an overnight thing. It wasn’t for me or anyone else I know who believed they were unworthy of love. I had to stop setting up the situations, which would leave me abandoned or feeling bad, so that the crappy belief I had about myself was proven true.
It takes a lot of awareness and actively getting uncomfortable by taking action, which we’d normally never take in a ‘given’ situation.
Third, it’s really about taking emotional risks, which create an emotional experience (which is the language of our subconscious) to change lives. It’s their choice, not ours.
Many of us feel like we’re not good enough. Our actions support it–think about when we feel bad–do we withdraw? Act in an off-putting way? So, it’s the same for others too.
If we make someone else’s actions about us, then we’ve become a victim….we want something from them to make up for what we feel they ‘did’ to us.
An apology or acknowledgement or something to say they screwed up, they’re mean, etc…and while we ‘wait’ in resentment, because they have our power until they give us back what we think is missing…all it shows is we aren’t taking care of ourselves.
We may get so pissed off, we want to write that person off. We build a case against them; we tell stories of their savagery–gaining sympathy for our victimized state and in the end, if we have enough ammunition and kick this person to the curb…what did we win?
We still haven’t resolved our original issue.
The one we’re avoiding by blaming someone else for our problems, or focusing on why they show up the way they do….or anything we give our power to showing us how little we value ourselves.
Next time you want to write someone off, ask what “you’re” taking personally, that they do.
Find out why you are there, what did you allow when you should’ve had boundaries and what are you trying to get? What validation do you think you need?
Keep asking yourself questions and when you have clarity–start admitting YOUR truth to yourself and then others…it is freeing and it will stop you from wondering if you should write people off.
Because, your focus will shift to your happiness, and making choices for yourself for your fulfillment.