Anyone heard the term “Conscious Uncoupling?”
The first time I heard the statement was from my original coaching mentor. She had been interviewed about the concept, which she had developed a program based on her own experience. It’s an interesting idea, in terms of how we can learn and grow through our separation from someone we love.
Most people either learn and grow through letting go, or become bitter and angry in the process. No matter what, we have a choice in where we direct our anger or hurt. In conscious uncoupling, depending on what definition someone subscribes to, we can keep a person in our life that we are now no longer with while we both evolve in a less dramatic (loving) fashion by recognizing our patterns that create toxic or unloving situations.
In my book this is not entirely letting go.
Meaning, all of that is fine and dandy, except the part about keeping the person we’ve just broken up with and no doubt have strong emotions for in our lives.
To let go in terms of it’s power is so much more than walking away, or shutting a door, or saying “I give up.”
The power in letting go is to turn toward a new paradigm for the self. To free up space, allow a flow where it was stopped, understand attachment vs. love, and to give oneself time to heal.
The danger in conscious uncoupling is to not give it the time, and also to not honor our own feelings.
I’ve watched it happen, where both parties agree to it, and show everyone they are still loving friends. Unfortunately, at the same time one or both of them are not really done, and are struggling to move on in one or both of their lives. Their behavior and actions on their own do not support the image that all is well. And if one moves onto a new relationship too soon, while the other is still pining for their old relationship—that is just asking for a plate full of pain.
This isn’t healthy and it’d be far less hurtful, respectful and loving to be authentic and state how it doesn’t actually work with the ex-mate to have a continuing presence (aside from kids with shared custody) in each other’s personal lives. Giving space and shifting focus away from the past (since this relationship is over) is to be in the present.
Letting go comes in stages.
Raising of consciousness can come as awareness steps in to light. Let’s face it, when we have old beliefs about our self-worth and relationships, snapping our fingers and saying poof those are gone is just not that simple! It doesn’t happen that way.
Letting go is surrendering to the greater love, pain, conflicting emotions and the unknown.
Conscious uncoupling if used correctly, is about separately opening up oneself to a deeper understanding of how we show up in relationships and why we have the needs we do. It is not something done as a team, together. It’s to step up, let go, accept, wish the other one well and truly embark on a different leg in our journey.
This becomes a huge quandary for many of my clients.
They find themselves months and even years after a relationship has ended in just as much pain as if it happened yesterday. I often find, as long as they’re also in a state of resistance to their true feelings, “I don’t want to feel anything about him/her!” they find the letting go process extremely difficult.
Whatever we resist, persists and when we don’t want to feel something for someone we are no longer with, we have a battle inside of us, having nothing to do with the other person.
When we can feel our feelings of love for them, and realize we actually generate those good feelings, it’s an opportunity to shift and learn how to create those feelings without the object of our desire. When we can do that, we’ve found the answer to letting go and conscious uncoupling; we’ve found the space of unconditional love to pay ourselves respect, as we grow. Not only can we become a better partner, we also fall more in love with ourselves too.