Nobody Wants Me

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I received that statement in a text.

It came from a man who I shared an on/off relationship with for 5 years.

It’s not so much of what would provoke him to write that statement, but the lack of self-responsibility in having created the situation for himself…causing him to feel that way.

It seems he believed this occurred through no fault of his own.

In my response…I held the mirror up and suggested he might want to look at how he rejects his own happiness and that as much as he claims, “He’s complicated,” it’s his own choice, so that he may remain alone.

I didn’t want to tell him what he’s doing right or wrong, nor did I want to rescue him from himself. I just tried to mirror back his statements, because I used to say things like that to myself all the time!!!

All the time. Daily. Morning, Noon and Night.

I thought the Universe was out to get me….or that I just attracted shit, because of something beyond my control. I didn’t realize my feelings about me and my life were attracting people/situations that suited my depressed outlook.

This man labeled himself complicated.

Being complicated is an excuse.

It keeps us busy with our rules and fears, so we let nothing in; it holds up the walls from any intimate intrusion.

When we’re complicated we need things to be in a state of perfection (only known in our minds) before we can allow ourselves to go there.

And where is that exactly? To being vulnerable.

I used to be complicated.

I could sit in my head for days.

A state of self-absorption, everything was personal and the outside circumstances were always a source of frustration; A STORY, because I was trained to have an inauthentic reaction.

Being complicated is inauthentic…..simplicity comes from being real. 

HE lives in his head by his own proclamation. His next response to me, “Who wants me?” This statement used to make me prove myself, my love, my loyalty…to save someone him.

I used to rescue him, so I could ignore myself.  Now it felt so heavy…so victimized, because he again showed no responsibility for where his life appeared to be…

And a few days later he wrote another text, basically blaming me for his feelings. For his choices. For how he treated me.

Over five years, I let go slowly, because I wanted to understand ME and WHY I chose PAIN. I became important to myself in the process. I’m no longer looking for the qualities of PAIN in a relationship that I subconsciously held onto when I met him.  I don’t need the approval, the win or to slog thru his pain as the focal point of a relationship.

I had learned that as long as I said yes to pain–it’s what I would receive.

We’d always reach the point, where he’d state he couldn’t be consistent, show up or commit to anything more than being on the outskirts of my life, BUT HE wanted the deep emotional space within me that is open for an intimate relationship.

Basically, he wanted me to hang out til he was ready.

I share this, because so many people who contact me hold out hope of a person waking up and owning their life…so the relationship they’ve invested in and believed to be “the one,” becomes a reality.

It cannot be the focus.

The focus must come back to ourselves; letting go of wanting someone to change, and instead understanding our attraction in the first place.

We must accept the reality of how this person shows up, stop blaming them and know our attraction to the inevitable pain in a relationship.

Take responsibility for our choices, by quitting the fight for our needs to be met and to feel loved.

Inside of us is where true peace, love, evolution and happiness reside.

If you’re stuck in a situation, where you feel victimized, stuck or can’t let go, please contact me: tracy@tracycrossley.com

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