You owe me!


I hear this so often from clients: someone CAUSES us pain and therefore we’re owed something.

What is it exactly we’re owed?

Seriously, what do we want from that person? For them to treat us in the way we want? For them to realize we are the Sun in their Universe? What exactly are we wanting here?

I go to the mat with clients on this one, because of the following reasons:

1. We want validation from someone who is unwilling to give it and deprive ourselves by seeing it as outside of us.

2. There is an old need/belief in us that feels empty and we require this other person to fill it and that is impossible.

3. We take others personally and give meaning to the self-absorption the other person has as to mean something about us and our value.

4. We can’t force someone else to talk to us, or show up in a way that soothes our inner beast.

I’ve spent a good chunk of time in a session working with clients who feel like a victim to the words and actions of someone else. They want something and desire commiseration about their situation (usually getting frustrated with me, because I won’t play along). All the while, they aren’t caring how they allowed the situation to unfold.

When we’re unaware of how we’re driven/motivated and what we’re looking for from others to fulfill, we’ll always look to them as the issue. ALWAYS.

Most of us don’t know what we want from someone else, instead we have an expectation that they’ll show up in a way that makes us happy. And then they don’t. They fail and disappoint…then we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to get them to act right and take responsibility….

And it remains a battle. 

It’s not about the other person. It’s about us.

If we have awareness of our subconscious belief, we will know that we have attracted someone who fits an old paradigm. A person who has qualities, which will recreate a situation to make the belief true. How many times do you remember feeling the same way over and over again? 

Once we have awareness of what is motivating or driving us to be attached to the outcome of a situation, we can understand how we allow it to happen in the first place.

We also can begin to really detach from our attachment to taking others personally with the realization of how much of our own inner life is built on trying to make us feel good (even when we practice behaviors, which appear to go against ourselves)…we may believe we must suffer to get to the good….and so, we pick a person who will mistreat us and then hope they’ll treat us with value.

If we take it a step further, it’s a reflection of how we don’t value ourselves.

Want change?

We have to give to ourselves what we think must come from others, we must be open to the universe/god/higher power {energy that already exists as infinite love} or whatever you want to call it, to feel the connection that is always there.

When we start fulfilling ourselves, we break down those old beliefs. When we stop taking others personally and objectively see their actions, we will make different decisions. When we get that we have the real control over our inner life, once we change some of our subconscious beliefs, we find true freedom and happiness. It’s truly an inside job!

There’s no applied force coming from us or “have to’s” in this context. Having a deeper understanding: we slow down, we become more present in the moment and see that our validation comes from within…

We owe it to ourselves. 🙂

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