Compassion for a Disappearance Act


When someone has disappeared… we’re all over the map emotionally.


When we’ve emotionally been in step with ourselves throughout the relationship, we’ve been processing it all along…..and so when we’re truly done with a relationship or a way of having relationships, the word compassion rings true.

When we aren’t the ones choosing to end the relationship or heck, our mate disappeared out of our lives; compassion is the last thing on our minds.

When we’re in a place of not deserving love and we’ve attracted someone who also doesn’t deserve love (remember this is not a conscious thought)…it manifests in several ways.

There are always signs that someone who is going to bolt, will bolt.

We can delude ourselves into believing that’s not the case, that somehow we’re gonna make a difference or we blow off those little red flags…then we seem surprised when we’re standing alone.

I hear so often from clients and people who read my work that when someone says “I LOVE YOU,” it’s the end.

We wonder what we did wrong.

What did we do right?

WTF happened?

One person runs away physically and the other stands in expectation. The one who ran away feels the weight of the responsibility that those words carry–they just remember the last time and how it didn’t work…and they got hurt. Say hello to the past!

They don’t think THEY are capable of giving or receiving love–in their fantasy mind they believe they can, but when reality strikes…forget it!

When people bolt, it’s based on the belief they have about themselves and their ability to be vulnerable. It’s based on their inability to love themselves. People who love themselves don’t bolt…and people who love themselves aren’t with people who bolt.

Sound harsh?

It’s not. I’ve been in both groups.

Until I took the onus of responsibility off the guy, I was stuck as a victim. I blamed. I was angry at him. I was all those things…and as these relationships usually go…the one who bolted always comes back. ALWAYS in my life. Even if I was the one who bolted.

Emotionally unavailable. Not trusting. Believing all men or women suck. Excuses.

We may look to the other person to provide signs that they’re committed.

We may pull it out of them and they bolt at some point. The thing is we’re BOLTING when we’re pulling it out of them. If we’re quietly biding our time, hoping they’ll say it on their own, we’re more than likely being inauthentic. We’re living in fear, because we know when we say the WRONG thing…they’re gone, so we pretend.

We’re not open and vulnerable, we’re protective!!!!! We’re not being real.

Unlovability manifests in these relationships, it’s what they’re about!

And what if the “bolter” intellectualizes and blame us for leaving? That’s their shit. They’re completely disconnected from themselves. Anyone who intellectualizes, criticizes or has a list of what’s wrong with us–basically has NO self love. People who love themselves ARE COMPASSIONATE.

When we act and speak from our truth, there’s no game or waiting…we’re emotionally present and not worrying about saying the wrong thing, because if they leave…we know it’s not what we want in a mate.

So…compassion. It’s hard to do when all this blame is tossed around. It’s hard to do when we’re still tied up in SHOULDA,COULDA, WOULDA…and it’s definitely hard when we’re beating the crap out of ourselves for the actions of our mate.

Compassion for ourselves comes from realizing we chose this TYPE of relationship that gives us exactly what we want, proof that we suck in some way. And we get the proof intellectually.

Except it’s not the truth.

None of us suck, even the one who bolted.

Compassion is not the same as allowing or letting someone off the hook. Compassion is love, self-love and accepting what is….”what and who we are” and “they are.” one is wrong.

Until we have compassion for ourselves and others…WE NEVER FULLY LET GO. We’re never free…we’ll keep finding people where we both emotionally unavailable….bolting away from love!

If you want to read more, visit my Facebook page.

One thought on “Compassion for a Disappearance Act

  1. Hi I’m Heather! Please email me when you get a chance, I have a question about your blog! Heather.vonstjames(at) Thanks!!

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