Just Surviving Your Relationship…

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Are you just surviving your relationship? Hoping something will change?

A sign will show up?

One day you’ll finally have the courage to go?

When we’ve given power to everything outside of us to direct us, we end up unfulfilled and stuck.

It’s how we were raised. Little sponges soaking up our environment and giving it meaning about who we think we are…not who we really are in this life.

We don’t realize it’s a lie.

The truth: there’s no love or happiness, if we’ve given control to someone or something else; if we’re waiting for someone to change, they have control and we’re disconnected from ourselves.

To survive we may invest in creating a fantasy space to escape the reality of the hell we’ve chosen.

We delude ourselves, so the relationship isn’t so bad–we tolerate it by pretending and focusing on other things. Leading separate lives. YET…what are we waiting for…permission? Have the ghost of Mom or Dad told us we’re capable of making a good decision and we’re allowed to leave? Are we letting down some false expectation we have of ourselves? Or are we trying to fix an old wound?

How are we loving ourselves by staying in a relationship that no longer fulfills us? Who are WE loving?

There’s no LOVE.

We believe we need to somehow stay in a relationship to prove or heal something from childhood, because we’ve protected ourselves for YEARS or we’re doing the right thing NOW — SEE…we’re not bad, we’re good…we’re stoic! We’re martyrs…where’s my reward? Again–NO LOVE.

What does that mean?

We cover vulnerability with layers of protection, so the trauma and drama are the surface layers. It’s not our truth. It’s where we took someone else’s past CRAP , personalized it and made it about us. We remain in this perception and fear, we never get to a state of vulnerability. We stay in the argument in our head of how this isn’t working, what haven’t we done right or ignore our pain–creating even more pain to choke down. We become depressed and more stuck. 

We may feel it’s safe, WHY? Because it’s familiar.

All we’re doing is feeding our invulnerable, compartmentalized life…we never get to heal, we never get to fix the past by staying somewhere and lying to ourselves. WE NEVER GET APPROVAL!!!!! EVER!!!!

We develop relationships to grow. 

If we’re growing and our mate refuses, simply put, it’s time to move on. Period.

The relationship doesn’t serve its purpose if it doesn’t grow; it’s just a comfort zone.

We take the compartments we developed in childhood and use them to stay in our comfort zone—numbing pain and distracting ourselves, so we don’t have to change our lives. There’s patterns; one or both parent(s) always waiting for something outside of them to change…and how they reacted in the meantime.

How were our parents stuck?

What dreams did they give up?

What did they complain about often when it came to their relationships?

Do we fulfill the position of the one complaining or the one who doesn’t want to show up?

Did they divorce and we felt it was our fault? Did we make an agreement based on it with our partner, to stay together even if there’s no love?

Did they withhold love or approval from us?

Those questions have nothing to do with our true self, our authenticity or vulnerability.

We learned to have OUR perception from our answers to those questions. WE LEARNED–it’s not inborn in us. We learned: How to survive a relationship, rather than truly LIVE and LOVE!

 

Nothing we learned emotionally as a child, in being invulnerable and stuck, bears repeating as an adult.

How do we get real and get out?

This requires courage and some self-love.

First, dig deep: What is your truth? Are you afraid to see it? Good. It means you’ve been doing a lot of surviving and pretending. Look at all the false beliefs you have about yourself and relationships—every negative one is something untrue that you made a truth.

Second, recognize your REAL truth. “Am I loving myself by being here? What would a LOVING action be for myself? What am I proving? What’s the lie I tell myself that makes it a benefit to remain here?”

Third, recognize your needs? Are they fulfilled? In a dead relationship, no one is going to fulfill your needs…time to start to fulfill your needs…begin loving yourself.

Fourth, Take ACTION. Take the risk…go for the freedom. Love yourself, even if it’s a left turn, then you decide you want to go right…so what?? Love is taking action for YOU. Put your needs first, once you do, make a choice, go live your life, leave the relationship, CREATE A LOVING ENVIRONMENT ELSEWHERE FOR YOU and stop settling–you deserve LOVE.

We’re all worthy of love. ALL OF US.

Inertia is a breathing DEATH.

Action even if you’re not sure what to do is better than NOT living.

There’s a quote, build the plane while you’re flying it. And another, feel the fear–do it anyways!

Start flying and you’ll figure out your steps as you go…over-thinking leads to more stagnation. So…take action TODAY. Life is short and LOVE IS FOR ALL OF US.

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