A while ago, it became clear to me: Ever since I was a small child. I’d purposely chosen people I could keep some sort of an emotional distance from in relationships.
As a kid, I’d made a decision that I didn’t want to be hurt, so I made myself impenetrable and alone.
I was very sensitive and was easily hurt by my parents’ words and actions. They didn’t know what they were doing, but as a kid all we can do is develop our perception of the world and our place in it.
As I grew older, on my journey of increasing self-awareness, there are still times I find resistance in myself—the wall I never want to penetrate and then I do.
I take action, plowing through that wall on my journey, and right into another one.
It’s progress and it’s scary; way better than self-punishment or punishing another, stemming from not being authentic.
I discovered the distancing in myself, I chose people who if I got close to them (like my parents), I could be annihilated…and of course, I purposely aimed for that outcome.
I’d move toward intimacy, then all hell would break loose. I’d retreat, go numb and they would pledge their undying love.
What a cycle!! I didn’t see the truth.
Til I did.
I made a vow to not enter relationships creating distance. It was time to put the shield down, my resistance and place myself in a vulnerable position where hurt could happen.
No fight, just opening of the heart; I was there to learn.
One relationship taught me; words and action needed to match. He would speak of the future, tell me he loved me and yet, it sounded like I was absent from his prospective vision.
I knew, he didn’t want to be without me, but it triggered in me an old reaction…I would talk to him as though he wasn’t in my future… in effect, distancing myself from the relationship.
And that’s when it really hit me, I felt like shit! I’d chosen someone who mirrored my distancing.
My distancing was too difficult to continue, I was growing more in love with myself every day.
I could see through this dance of intimacy that no one was going to come out closer or happier.
I stopped taking him personally; he wasn’t trying to do anything to me…he was in his own struggle, holding onto misery and pushing away happiness.
I kept raising my love quotient, meaning I loved me more all the time. I treated myself with crazy kindness (self-care) and it changed things. I broke through resistance and distance; how I saw life, what I said and what I did. It became so clear to me, that distancing had no place, my heart was the ruler.
When we place awareness inside of ourselves to our physical sensations, they tell a story, so we need to pay attention.
This is where relationships can and do change, as one partner continues to move to their own happiness, either the other partner will join them or leave the relationship.
Sometimes, we stay stuck, afraid of growing leaving our partner behind; we fight against our own journey. We do no one any favors when we remain stagnant.
Letting ourselves grow closer to our own heart, will bring us the love we desire….without the distance to continue to travel.
Not sure you can stop distancing? If you’d like to see know if you’re ready for change, please schedule a discovery session with me. Click here.