Is it under a rock?

                                                                            Ai Weiwei

Where is true, true, TRUE, true happiness?

Outside of me?

Above or below me?

How about in the next town over? Where or where has my happiness gone? Is it between the two banks to the river?

The trees?

My children’s faces?

The smile or sound of the voice of the man in my life?

Maybe its my favorite song, food, family or friend?

I know, I know…its writing, painting, helping others to see their own beauty?

These are all moments, thoughts and interludes of happiness.

They are a temporary buoyancy.

I realize the only place happiness is sustained is within me. I am the only one capable of bringing it home to me.

My decisions MUST reflect the feeding and caring of my own happiness.

Happiness should be treated like a special pet.

Every time I think of making a sacrifice of happiness for someone else…I ruin their happiness too. When I am not FULLY me, when I am “me for you”, whether you are my friend, child or lover; pain is being created.I must put my needs in front of the wagon pulling me along; when I am fulfilled, I can be that beacon of light for others too.

There is an image I hold of a house of cards.

There is no strong cement foundation sustaining the tower of cards, only the thin stilts of the cards providing the base. And I see how I squeeze happiness into the compartments the cards make as they are built on nothing stable….I see that happiness is not THE base, because if it were so, happiness would NOTbe shimmied and squeezed into those compartments.

The happiness would be my foundation, the frame, the materials…..not just stolen moments, before I slip back into doing things that create unhappiness.

And of course if I create unhappiness for me, it affects everyone around me…no matter how well I hide it. When I deny myself love, kindness, truth, courage and just suck it up so I give the appearance of “happiness”, I am depressed inside and others who pay attention see it no matter how well I pretend.

I get IT my happiness is about MY choices.

My decision of what’s next will either bring me misery or pleasure, but if my constant goal is SUCCESS….then I must align with what may be difficult and break the chain of compliance, victimization, childish behavior and cowardice to break from misery and walk into my own light.

Can I do it?

I see it more clearly everyday.

As I know if I don’t grasp the idea of happiness at my deepest level, then I will just go on recreating the past.

And it is hard to see through all the techniques my mind has to keep me stuck in the merry-go-round of woe. I feel at times there is no use, the cards have folded, the pressure of my thoughts, so intense with anxiety and this is just the way it is so, I should just sit on the floor….. For the next 30 years.

I can’t go find happiness, nope!

You can’t pursue it.

It finds you. When you are quiet, open and allowing…it sneaks up on you.

The deep sense of joy may be profound the first time it appears, because it will show up for absolutely no reason.

You’ll feel good, because you’re alive.

That will be when you know “happiness” is within you.

I have experienced this feeling more and more of the time as I get clear with myself.

And I say that, because it is possible for everyone to be happy, experience well-being without having life circumstances be perfect.  

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