So it starts out like this…
I write an article for elephant journal.
When I write an article, it usually starts with a feeling inside me that I am trying to convey. I decorate the story with my experiences and others’ experiences, past and present to create a picture that others can relate to or imagine.
Now, my boyfriend read my latest article: Relationship Killer #1.
What do you think his initial reaction was to the article?
A late night text, stating he read it, followed by a 6 in the morning text asking “Was it written for the way I feel or how I think?”
And I said, ” I don’t understand your question.” (This is pre-coffee, mind you…my brain does not function.)
He said, ” Personal feeling or did you make it up in your head?”
I proceeded with“It’s not a simple answer. What is it you want to hear? You may listen, but seems you don’t hear me.”
He says, ” Maybe I just read the article wrong. It doesn’t sound like you.”
I said, ” You listen, but you don’t hear me.”
He said, “True because I listen with my heart!!”
Please someone get me a Cup O’ Joe!!!!
All this is not computing.
After all, I am still pissed off about our conversation from yesterday and I can’t seem to stop nitpicking at this relationship no matter what I do. Restrain my hands? My Mouth? My brain?
Like I said, I write from a feeling, but embellish with past, present and others’ experiences. Yet, at times I feel like that article I wrote is “me.” And that I am speaking a different language that is not understood by his species.
It is, but it isn’t.
And trust me when I say, I have read way too many books, done transformative coaching on myself to the degree that I have self awareness almost all the time, but still miss shit that I do to stand in the way, be a pain in the butt and sabotage what I want.
Yes, and I am pretty happy with my days and my goals….and my self-love.(even though I still have days where I HUGELY struggle!)
I have times where the love reservoir is low for me and this guy, he tries to fill it up and be supportive.
He doesn’t have ESP.
I know that, so I tell him what I need. It goes through his filter and sometimes comes out in a completely different way than it was stated hence the “hearing, but not listening part.”
Followed by the frustration part and then the list making of everything that I am not getting! Fuck what I am getting….the focus is on lack (And I can’t have any pudding until I finish my meat)!
And that is the pattern I need to break.
You know the quote, “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”
Accept everything as it is and it will all work itself out.
Yeah, but I was not gifted with the “patience gene.” That was left out of my DNA.
And frankly, many other women I know are afflicted with the same genetic lack.
We want our way, the smart way, not the stupid way (hahahaaa, I take this from George Carlin, as he says: Women are crazy and men are stupid). What we women mean is…our way is simple, your way is…well….hmmm….how to put it nicely. Insipid? Silly? Challenging in all the wrong ways? Why do you have to go battle the 3 headed monster before you spend time with me?
I say the last part in jest to make a point.
Men and women can have a conversation, but no one is listening to what is really being said….they hear the words, but miss the meaning.
The meaning in the above conversation: I love you, I love you too; I am not getting a need met, I feel you withhold; I am confused am I not meeting your need, because I try really hard and don’t know what I am not doing?
And no one feels heard or like they are making anyone happy.
In totality, its not the case, its not “everything, always or never.”
How do you just focus on the positive? Snap your fingers? Wave a magic wand? What do you do?
Really, it is to get out of ego.
Get out of your head.
Ask your heart, “Hey heart what do you want here, to drop this hot potato and find a new one or connect with the love?”
Of course your heart wants the love.
And when you get the prickly, butt hurt ego out of the way…you feel a softening, a letting go of a stance and you don’t wish to pulverize and destroy.
You want to float into the love.
And it doesn’t mean you don’t address your needs, feelings or misunderstandings….it means your intention isn’t to beat someone over the head, instead its to come to a mutual place of peace and understanding….
And this is achieved through the heart. It happens when we remove the defenses that keep us from hearing what we listen to from the special person in our life.
And then we open up and say “kind, loving things to each other.”
WE ALL NEED TO HEAR WHAT WE MEAN TO ANOTHER.
HEAR why we are loved, how much another wants us in their life, because we brighten it… COMMUNICATE LOVE!!! SHOW LOVE!!!
Don’t make it a game of Hide n’ Seek.
Vulnerability is a hot new fashion, wear it well!
Women can create long, long, stories…..we live in them and victimize ourselves as the woman in distress. Men, they need a map to find their way to navigate our stories….they don’t compute. They confuse. They try, but can’t get past chapter one.
Women take these stories to show how the men always fail and the men fail because they don’t have a compass, get lost and went to the wrong castle.
It ain’t cuz anyone PURPOSELY wants to fail.
Women need to get out of the stories.
We need to get to the real issue at hand not all the drama, extra chapters, prologue, second volume or anything else that has nothing to do with the real nitty gritty, which is usually something like, “I need….attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance, or allowance.” (Thank you David Richo for your book on the 5 A’s)
Men need to hear what the real issue is and take action when they can, but in the meantime state that they will take action and follow through.
It is that simple.
I am not making any promises about my being less full of crap, some days I am and other days, my blue eyes are brown….but my daily goal, is to have fun, to be successful in all parts of my life, love, be happy, see him smile along with me and laugh.