How much does my Big Toe, know?

My big toe, knows as much as the rest of me. Honestly, just liked that statement as my blog post title today.

This is about relationships.

The funny thing about the word “good” in relationship to oneself is the other word: subjective.

It is my perception, which distinguishes something as good or bad. And sometimes there is a grey area where I cannot tell the difference.  It comes from my conditioning, my core beliefs.

In relationships, I have found myself staying too long (rarely) or not long enough (more often than not); there is still no clear answer for me when enough is enough or if I still don’t know the true meaning of love. 

I have experienced a lot of pain in a current relationship and at the same time, I have received such reward in knowing and learning to love him and myself. I can’t say I am the same person I was three years ago that I am now. I am now educated with the meaning of the word openhearted and the many ways I have closed my heart in the past.

This person loves me very much, he tells me I have an amazing open heart (as you know from my posts—that has been something that didn’t come easily for me) and that I am the love of his life. He is learning to love himself too. He gets stuck in the past emotionally, afraid to truly move forward into a two feet in, amazing relationship. I know it would be amazing, because in between the painful moments it is amazing. Can’t really think of a way we are not connected. Thank you Universe for the very over the top synchronicity, weird commonalities and intuitive connection, truly wonder sometimes if the Universe is a comedian in disguise?

I have walked away a few times; I am the one who has chosen it with the thought of it being permanent. He never has seen it as permanent, because he is always the one to reach out to me.

I crave normal, but what is normal? It is a subjective answer. I possessed my own ideas; I realize now, most of what I thought defines “normal” is a fantasy. Where did I find that picture perfect fairy tale postcard, hmmm?

It has been a fight, as I have watched from the sidelines this man battle himself to unwillingly stay living in a painful emotional prison against his GROWING desire to find the courage and will to move toward a life of love and fulfillment. Sometimes I think he needs a referee for himself.

Nothing I do or say will vary it or him. None of us have DIRECT impact upon making another human being change. You can NEVER tell a person what “they” need to do for themselves. Even if you are chomping at the bit and are frustrated by watching another, forget it. None of us listen and make the changes we are told will bring true happiness, because we stand in our own way. Not until we are ready to take flight do we find our own wings.

I recognize in my relationship how lucky, fortunate, blessed I am with the ease of our communication and how we understand and know each other…. and how fun it is, we laugh a lot!

I have yet to meet anyone on this planet who I share what we share in the multitude of connections on several levels. But, is it enough?

He wants me in his life, but we have not really jumped that fence too far into the lives of each other. Wanting and doing are two different things.

Most people like to tell others to move on when it is less than perfect; I often wonder what they move on to when they do? I have listened in the past to advice and followed it, only to have found I threw down the gauntlet and vacated the relationship prematurely. And thus, I carried that baggage forward too. If I would have stayed and worked through til the very end when I was emotionally at a point of knowing rather than premature numbness, I may have made healthier relationship decisions with each subsequent one.

Which is why I always tell my clients to see it through all the way until the end, until you are done with it or married…don’t throw in the towel too soon.

He has a large cave he inhabits, because it’s where he can hear himself and not the voices. The voice he believes is me, actually is “the ghost of females past.”  He assumes I will not understand if he has to disappoint me or that he’ll be lectured. He is getting pretty savvy at knowing when I express my feelings it is not a lecture. And the cave is not an issue, as long as I am aware that is where he has gone.

Honesty is where I operate from in my own life.  That is hard for many people to do, including me (and him), but I have found it to be the only way I am free of anxiety and extra baggage.

In relationships, people toss labels at others, stating actions or emotions as a diagnosis they believe to be true for the individual, when in reality it doesn’t tell the whole story. I am NOT one for labels. We live an overly-labeled society. We think that makes it safe and easy, we can either hide behind a label or judge someone with a label. It doesn’t resonate with me, because we as people all have unique characteristics.

Feelings are simple, yet complicated. You can’t pull it from someone and have it feel genuine, at the same time you have to be aware of what you need and are your needs met?

Long ago, I was very impatient needing immediate gratification and slowly, I learned to value things that take a long time to grow solidly. I can appreciate that, but when you feel that the garden you have is overgrown; it needs pruning or weeding. Time to take the gardening shears and trim it back.

Ultimatums work for some when the garden of our relationship is unwieldy. I personally like “genuine” respect of what is in the heart of the other rather than willfully state my demands as my way or re-planting the whole garden We all need to be motivated, but forcing it isn’t the way to where I want to live on the middle way/road/path (thank you Buddha).

Trying to keep it simple. And when we invite others to our garden party we run the risk of uprooting some of our more stable vegetation.

People will judge and decide that something is wrong with you or him. People will tout what “good” is and that is something that only the people in a relationship can decide…what is good? What do you sacrifice for good? Or what is important for you to decide something is good? I believe it is different for each person, it depends on what you want…. and what you are willing to give up or let go.

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2 thoughts on “How much does my Big Toe, know?

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