When you meet someone that you may have an interest in dating, they may flat out tell you they can’t handle any drama. And that the people in their past created so much of it they are not sure how they survived.
Or what about when you meet a new friend who says all of her friendships always end up in disaster, but she has no idea “why”.
There is probably more than one contributing factor as to why this person seems to be a magnet to the misbehavior of others.
People who specialize in vagueness, not clarity; ambiguity, not certainty; and create expectations only to consistently dodge out of the promise…are indeed the match to the flame, the kickstarter for drama.
They are controlling their own demise in self-sabotage, but looking for a scapegoat for their own unworthiness. As a coach, when I listen to people talk about a current situation, there is always a lack of clarity as to where the seed of all this drama was born.
In matters of the heart, a person who possesses a lack of courage in following through with promises, standing behind what is true in their heart for their mate or showing up at all, has allowed experiences based on their own limited belief to run the show. Hence drama is created. Fear plays the lead role.
And what these individuals do is create “drama” as a distraction. There is a tremendous amount of emotional cowardice in creating drama and stating your innocence in participating in its creation.
When individuals intellectualize an emotional situation, they are trying to gain control of their emotional state as well as the other person. They want to possess the winning hand. Its funny, but they never end up fulfilled; they remain empty.
These people are so afraid of losing themselves, being vulnerable, honest and somehow possibly repeating a past experience that they stuff their emotions in a box and create drama.
There are many who acquire those “specialties”. In a relationship with this person, whether it is romantic, professional or friendship—there is no security and a lot is assumed, if no one is asking questions. The person on the receiving end of being intellectualized and therefore made to feel inferior or wrong usually walks on eggshells. Afraid to ask what they need to know… And even when questions are asked straight answers by the individual may be avoided. So, it leaves a lot of room for interpretation as to how someone feels for you or even what he or she wants from you.
I have worked for people like this, where you never know where you stand or they create a dramatic situation, so you won’t notice what they are or are not contributing. I have also been in relationships of all sorts with people like this and at one time in my life, I was this person.
Depending on how attached you are to someone who has declared themselves a drama-free zone, you may find yourself increasingly on edge as no intelligible words have been spoken to give you any clear idea as to where you stand.
You may then create an ideal “fictional” scenario to fill in the cracks that are apparently turning into large gaping holes. Just so you don’t create any “drama”. No one wants to be the person who creates drama once it has been stated as “prohibited” in a relationship.
Who wants to be the fool? Well, I’d rather be the fool who has tried to communicate what is true rather than hiding behind a wall of intellectual malarkey.
The problem for drama-starters is that they have to make a decision to change their existence. No one can do it for them, no matter how much you complain, feed the drama or withdraw—your actions and words make no difference to this person.
They have to walk on their own hot coals. Decide they have worth and value. In essence, the receiver of the cold intellect is seen as having more value than the drama-starter. Unfortunately, for the drama starter there is no awareness as to the scenario in which they need to feel superior to the poor emotional fool, so instead they keep perpetuating a vicious cycle.
And the question they ask of you and you ask of yourself is “Wow, what is wrong with you?” As though you have failed some important test.
People keep moving in and out of the drama starter’s life without them having any sort of grasp on what they do to cause this to happen.
Or if they have a clue, there may be pleasure attached to thinking they are safe once they create the environment for drama and watch the other party go up in flames.
They can then have an excuse to move on just as empty, and unfulfilled as before, yet blaming others thinking they are pathetic for their inability to be intellectual or hold it together. They may even think the other should have had more patience and given them time to come around.
None of us are Job, you can’t sign up to be anyone’s whipping post.
You can still love these people, work with them and even have them as friends if you choose. You can make a decision not to punish yourself or them.
Communicate with these individuals from an honest and vulnerable place. Sounds counter-intuitive, right? It’s not. Honesty and vulnerability are actually the only TRUE strength we possess… the most authentic place inside of us. In other words, no one can argue with how you feel…because it just “is”. And in expressing this, it almost doesn’t matter what the answer is from the drama starter.
Love is a constant, truly unchangeable. These drama starters may like you or love you, but are so afraid of the power you would wield if you knew that truth, that they will continue to show up as though they don’t care.
You can accept this person is unwilling to face their own fears and be emotionally stunted from their own choice, but you do not have to stick around or be subjected to being made to feel the fool.
Standing for yourself in truth is the kindest act you can provide in this situation, regardless of the consequences…. because you can never control the outcome no matter what you do. And if you are labeled a “Drama Queen” by this person, who cares?
You set boundaries with these individuals. If they don’t respect the boundaries, you can remind them…and you can also take action for yourself. You can make a decision to not allow this treatment in your life. It is not against the person, it is placing boundaries about “treatment”, showing kindness to yourself and not punishment. It keeps you from being the victim.
Always be clear with yourself, what you can handle and why. Why would you stay in any situation with a person like this in your life? Maybe it is your boss and you can’t afford to leave the job? Maybe it is your husband, wife or life-long best friend and you are stuck as to what to do—hoping it will change? Maybe it is your lover, your soulmate and geez, wouldn’t it be great f they would just trust you instead of withdrawing? It’s not you they don’t trust, it is themselves.
Staying or leaving is up to you, but no matter what you decide—remember don’t do anything out of punishment. When you punish another, you punish yourself. You can physically feel the discomfort when we act against, only keep your light shining and you will attract others who come from the same place you do…. in any area of your life. Like attracts like.
And thus, once in awhile the drama starters come to a realization about how they create the drama, how disconnected, lonely and numb they are and reach out… the question is then, will anyone be standing in front of them to hold their hand as they come back to life? Seems like they always do in the movies.
And to be honest, I can recall intellectualizing another person whether they were my mate or employee as a way to feel superior….as though they were the crazy one and I was okay. Wow…what a great way to end up alone. And because I wanted to experience “life”, wake up each day without anxiety, suffering and a feeling of numbness; I made a decision to join the living and walk on my own hot coals.
It definitely beats living in my own box. Even when others admired me and told me I had it sooo together, I was cold and disconnected. It took my own desire to FEEL, to want dreams coming true in my life and not live in a low grade depression to finally transform from fear to love.
So my advice, love all, let go and if you know someone like I used to be….you never know they could surprise you one day, but don’t sacrifice yourself to being part of their drama. Declare your boundaries, live your life and watch what comes to you.