There are locations we physically live in and ones we emotionally inhabit.
“Denying myself” is an island I’ve inhabited. I packed up the boxes and gave them away. I am free to move from denial to following desire. I’m sailing away from being an island. It is not an easy voyage; in fact it is anything, but smooth waters.
I am committed to being deeply honest with what I want, desire and know to be true in the deepest caverns of my heart and soul.
I don’t look for a new island to plant my roots. As a human being; we are physiologically wired to be connected to one another. So, I am looking for a piece of land with the ability to connect and LIVE LARGE.
“Desire or want” does not mean we should deny ourselves, but we do out of fear. Fear of change, or maybe we’ll be overwhelmed or we’ll fail or we believe what we want is impossible, makes us needy or vulnerable.
Desire may also be old and reach back to childhood, to what we never received. And we still want…the BIG empty “filled”. And because it feels so huge, we deny ourselves. We find substitutes for what we really want and live a life of never doing the filling ourselves, but finding distractions instead…unless we are aware.
Acceptance of our desires is a great place to begin. What are your deepest yearnings? What will happen if you allow them to come up to the surface?
Can you love your wants as much as you feel bad for having them and work hard on denying them? Can you accept them?
Love is all there is…
And its not that we deny fear or get rid of fear. We go through our fear.
In sailing toward fulfillment of my desires, I hit many waves along the way. I am a people pleaser by conditioning or as I used to think it was in my nature (and if you ask an astrologer—they will tell you my sun sign is notorious for being HUGE people pleasers). The biggest waves for me are the tidal wave of disappointing others followed by standing up for myself when there is so much to lose.
No one likes to sacrifice or lose people out of their life. Yet, when you find yourself compromising and turning into a pretzel against your own desires, there comes a day when you can no longer bend. When we deny our desires, we suffer. We end up with a BIGGER sense of empty. If we withhold ourselves from living large in any capacity, we feed the BIG empty inside of us.
When we mistakenly believe we receive fulfillment by giving up our own dreams for the happiness of someone else or holding back our dreams, because someone asks us to, is actually a form of denial.
When I try to tow the rope and suck down my feelings or hold my self back in any regard, it is living on Denying Myself Island, once again.
I become alienated from my authentic desires, my deepest longings for love, belonging and success.
Many of us feel compelled to be of service, be needed, be special. We believe fulfillment comes this way. It does not. We can be of service or be special if it is a natural occurrence from living from our deepest desires. Living LARGE is accepting and going through the fear, being honest with yourself and standing for yourself toward your dreams and goals.
When fear or feelings come up from neediness “the want” we deny; try this technique toward acceptance, peace and getting denial out of the way. I use this with my clients and myself all the time.
Let’s say you are feeling the need to consume a drink, take drugs, exercise to an extreme, eat a pan of brownies, run from a situation emotionally or some other feeling of urgency. Close your eyes and sense the worst part of what you are experiencing, the urgent or anxious feeling, sense what most wants attention.
What is the feeling you sense? What do you want to do or escape?
Answer in the now.
Then bring presence to the feeling as to how this is felt in your body.
Remain open to any emotion, image or word that may appear. When the emotion is too painful or consuming to be with, silently say to yourself: “this too shall pass”…and with gentle attention focus on the sensations in your body.
Name your experience. What story are the sensations telling you…allow it, sit with it, don’t run or decide now is a good time to sweep the floor.
Feel your cravings without pushing them away or acting on it. Instead of fighting or hating the experience of losing yourself to a tornado of mental activity-say yes to the feelings of urgency, tension and fear.
Pay attention to the physical sensations.
If you sit with it 5 minutes or so, you will notice moments of calm take over.
The main thing you will realize through this sort of exercise is that you are not making your inner world happen. Desires, thoughts and feelings are an endless changing parade floating through us ALL the time. We don’t control what goes on inside of us despite our best efforts.
Sometimes the feeling to distract or medicate won’t pass, so the temptation is to judge yourself…
Instead say something, which gives realization and recognition to your inner world; the parade of thoughts and feelings as something you did NOT cause. And if you do medicate or distract forgive yourself—accept it!
Many streams of conditioning give rise to the needy, wanting self and the particular forms our craving takes. We become afraid of losing control of the neediness, being overwhelmed by the “wanting” self. And therefore, we completely seal off from our desires and live in denial.
This technique helps us move toward acceptance within and realize we can fill our neediness and open to living our life LARGE …that our desires are okay. We just gotta take life by the horns and go for it!
Acknowledge that you went through conditioning in your life; don’t call it blaming or being victimized. It is where you derived a sense of self; it was from these perceptions. You derived your own limitations based on fear not who you truly are in your heart and soul. The denial of YOU is based on conditioning not reality.
This technique mentioned above helps us to bring in a clear and comprehensive awareness to our situation. We begin to accept our wanting self with compassion. It frees us to move forth, break old patterns.
When we start accepting our wants and fears by feeling them directly in the body, allowing pain to pass through rather than thinking something is wrong with us, we start to feel alive—desires that come from our heart are no longer clouded by our conditioning.
And when we do think something is wrong with us through this process…then allow the grief to be felt.
Enjoy the process of living into your desires, feel alive, let it pulsate through you. Denial does not pulsate it is an island in which we hold ourselves prisoners. When you open up and accept all there is inside of you and decide to live LARGE anyway…that is when the real fun begins… even when you are confronted with standing up for yourself or disappointing others. The payoff to being who you are and doing what you want from your heart is what “real living” is all about. Join me.