Relationships and the Common Denominator

I’d like to ask you a question or two…

In regard to a current or past relationship, what was the dynamic in this relationship and do/did you find yourself in the present moment (rather than the past) when strong emotions came up?

How did you feel right before you said words that provoked a fight beween you both; or made you inclined to walk out the door? What was the feeling when you were compelled to make a decision in the midst of any strong emotion? How OLD was that feeling, which initiated your action?

What is it you “do” that re-creates the same issues again and again in your relationships?

The “doing” is old conditioning and being unaware of your own emotions in the moment, what is it that is NOW being provoked, which brings the past into the present?

We are only doomed to failure in a relationship (barring abuse or some other event which is harmful to one’s mental/physical health) because it is what we work toward creating, when we “unconsciously” and falsely believe it is what we deserve.

When relationships have failed in the past what is the commonality?

What was the feeling that took you over in 0-60 that lead you to ruin? Who or what is driving the car?

One may ask herself/himself, “Why do I focus on things that ruin my inner peace and I can’t control? When I do something to try and control it, which makes it worse. It is like I’m watching a rerun of a past situation in a relationship.”  

Nothing is written in stone, so why do we act as though “this always happens to me”, as though we are unaware of what we create in our relationships?

In this state of auto-pilot, we use blaming, cajoling, forcing and withholding to get what we believe is the perfect outcome.  When we use these tactics the outcome is never fulfilling, it usually leaves us wanting more.

It is never is about the other person.

It is what we allow when we don’t have boundaries or we traverse the boundaries of our partner hoping for a reaction.

Who is right or wrong? Who cares? The people engaged in the struggle are in an ancient battle. A re-enactment of their history, except this time with a different person.

I always love the saying, “wherever you go, there you are.”

And in the context of relationships…we bring “me” to “we” and think that the new person is different, until we find certain commonalities of communication and reaction we had in past relationships. And what is the common denominator?

Awareness brings openness.

And to see how you truly are the creator of your life, watch how you anticipate certain responses, actions and reactions from your partner.

Have you noticed when you emotionally feel a certain way, let’s say insecure…you get a specific reaction? Is your partner programmed depending on how you approach he/she to respond to you in a familiar pattern?

And you do realize there are two of you here?  Although when dealing with the ghost of relationships past, he/she could be a “stand in” used for the present, instead of a real human being. You both are playing a role in the same stale story wanting a different climax and result.

The outcome you seek may not be the same as your partner. So, again who is right or wrong?

We tend to hold our partner accountable for their response to us without first seeing the dynamic we bring to the situation.  We build a case against them and  if this relationship fails, we bring it to the next one.

I’ve mentioned it before, when you THINK you know what your partner will do or say WITHOUT them having done or said anything… YOU are building that future moment; you have all the tools or weapons to make it happen.

Our body language, tone of voice and words we use all are aimed “unconsciously”at that consequence; one from the past.

We are creating what we think is beyond our control. Truly.

We take no notice of the feeling we have before we engage in the act of destruction, except “not getting our way.”  What it comes down to is “my way”, “I want my way!” 

And in your desire to have what you want; the will of another must bend to your way or play along in your “ancient” battle. You create the outcome “you know and it is familiar”. And the bummer is, you never feel satisfied when this happens, ever.

You create more stories.

When you honor and respect yourself, you inspire that in another.

When you approach a person as though you are a 5 year old having a temper tantrum and must have your way…. you usually don’t get your way without a cost.

And this does NOT mean yelling or violence externally. It means the single-mindedness you have in your thinking cap of the situation turning out how you believe it should, like unanswered needs of a small child.

When we are unaware of our inner mental patterns they tend to be distorted, self-sustaining and contribute to auto-pilot resurrection of the past in the present. 

Awareness gives freedom.

No matter what took place in a past relationship you have the power NOW to choose how you feel and act. 

Awareness grows through being in the present moment and making different choices.

Take a breath, a pause, relax when thoughts and physical sensations become intense…listen to their story.

When you learn to sit with the intensity of your emotions, you have the ability to create…. because you relax; the peace and spaciousness grow and awareness shows you are not reacting to a present moment, but one from a story long ago.

Even if you have no intensity in emotion and you are simply anticipating words or behavior from your partner … you are not “predicting”,  you are setting up the story-line.

All of the storyline is from the past.

Again, pause to stop thinking “I know” and let something happen based on a clean slate.  Don’t color it. Treat it like the first time. A new experience with this person, situation or conversation. You have the magical ability to create a completely different outcome now.

Life is about creating, new experiences and opportunities, NOW. It doesn’t have to be limited to re-living the past.

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4 thoughts on “Relationships and the Common Denominator

  1. I have come to realise now that peace is my best buddy in life …..
    And up till this Point I have been a emotional junky ….
    Blaming it on my genetics heredity
    My parents where after all like that my emotional make up …
    Now I know I me myself have a choice
    Do I live in the choctic syess pool of my past
    Learnt behaviours
    And yes I learned them well and played them out a thousand times..
    Until after leaving my marriage of 33 years
    Living on my own…came to a very stark realisation ….that iam the collparate off my
    Own distortion of facts and figures
    Hence I me myself iam the comon denomintor….
    I have no one to blame
    And for me to blame myself would rob me of my peace….
    Because now I have come into the stark reality and awareness of the truth…
    Can I go back and repare the damage that
    I me myself have created. .
    Are do I stay and live by myself. ..
    Can I just turn up at the door and say
    I have come to realise the errors of my
    Ways….and humbly beg for forgiveness. ..
    I have created havoc…
    I am truly sorry because of the damage
    I have caused to my husband and children….

    1. Hi Shirley, sorry it took me a bit to answer. We are all the common denominator in our lives and it sounds like you’ve been waking up to yourself, taking responsibility. You can only take responsibility for your behavior, but at the same time it is not to beat yourself up in the process (because that only shifts your focus to blaming yourself and keeps you from moving forward). I hope you’re able to forgive yourself first. 🙂

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