Its been a day in testing beliefs…

Here’s the thing.

Setting intentions.

The easy part is stating them and feeling like “yes” this will be my future!!

The hard part is trying to maintain the belief for myself until those little suckers manifest! It is an altogether other-wordly request.

And don’t forget to let go of any attachment to a specific outcome in how it must look, be or sound. What a challenge!! Letting go while staying open can make for an uneasy alliance with myself.

Today proposed an interesting challenge! Let’s just say a lot has changed in the over 6 weeks it has been since I brazenly threw my desires out to the Universe.

It was a list of six items which I asked for at the beginning of September; I’ll spare much of the detail as to the events which have transpired recently, but instead I’d like to share my reaction. Out of the six items, a couple of the intentions were aimed at my professional existence. Here is the url, if you would like a recap: Believing.

In looking to grow and create a prosperous existence; today was roadblock “central”.

I have been handed a few items recently which are pushing me to make decisions that I did not want to and are somewhat beyond my control.

A day like today started the stirrings of a very old battle. It was the worthy vs. unworthy parade of ghosts from failures of the past.

In essence, the “me” right now, at this moment, vs. the “me” victimized by all that has ever transpired, probably from birth. And let me tell you, most of today has been an almost even playing field.

In the past, I have lost everything. And I mean everything in the basic needs category (except my car); as in sleeping on someone else’s couch sort of loss.

There were several things which transpired over a window of time in my life that contributed to this loss. Depending on the day you ask me, I could say it was 100% my fault or on the other hand you may find me saying some of it was just bad timing. Today, apparently, I am in that same place of asking myself the same question….take on all the responsibility for all circumstances or is some of it, just not the right timing?

How much of our lives do we create in our hearts and mind? How much is based on the expectations others have of us? And how much of our lives is at times purely built on the extenuating events of that day?

Perception can definitely influence my mood, my activity level and motivation. If I believe the world is against me no matter what I do, I then have no energy to do something positive…I mean “why bother” its just gonna be another smackdown, right? The old voices of past failures come to serenade me on how I ended up in the same exact place I have been countless times in my life, telling me this time is going to be no different. It’s just another version of the same pattern of the same sad dress, I wore for years when those old songs start humming in my head.

On the other hand, when I tell myself those intentions are going to manifest, even though today looks like “opposite day” in my pursuit of successful, glorious, sunshine-y dreams coming true…a little, teeny, tiny miracle starts to manifest.

What is that miracle?

The miracle for me is to refrain, even if it is for a moment, an hour or the rest of the day from beating myself up.

I am then able to touch the place inside of me that believes the present doesn’t have to reflect the past and the future is not at the hands of some dastardly Universe working against me….I instead have found many opportunities today to be at peace with all that is, and not be angry or feel some injustice has befallen me once again. Even though, I have spent portions of the day feeling like a complete failure, I have had many more moments in which that little light inside me starts to glow larger and burn brighter. 

And, it gives me a resolve.

I feel it growing almost as though I am possessed in certain moments by a motivation that is far beyond me. I see the courage and the desire to believe that, yes little reindeer, you too can fly as part of Santa’s sleigh. And so, in this moment, this second….I believe all my dreams will come true; they may just look, be or sound different than I originally thought, so I let go and remain open to what may come my way.

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