We’re now three weeks on the journey in “believing“. Some days I believe my intentions will become a reality and other days I find more likelihood in being an astronaut. Believing requires my participation, moving out of my comfort zone, yet not forcing or settling for less than I truly deserve. Playing it safe is not allowed. To be clear, I’m talking about my comfort zone emotionally– I won’t be skydiving anytime soon!
Vulnerability has become my friend over the years–honesty is a BIG relief; I don’t invest in fairy tales.
Believing is not mimicking or achieving a fairy tale. It is a force of nature beyond myself, one that I intuitively feel on a deeper level, knowing these things will manifest. Only my brain blocks the way, when it takes me down memory lane, showing me HOW things didn’t work out in the past.
I’ve been clearing away the driftwood for a long time, resulting in my connection to love, kindness, happiness and just juicy living, which eventually wins over the old voices wanting me back in the cocoon.
I have been divorced for years. My journey began with wanting inner peace. I can attest at that time it’s not “where I was, who I was nor did I have a clue how to just “be”… I was a perfectionist, stubborn, intellect was were I operated from ALWAYS; I was prepared for almost any outcome. And my heart? It was firmly buried beneath layers of protection, expectations, disappointment, false beliefs, depression– you name it! All of these made for a pretty thick wall that I had no idea I had built.
Disappointment was my roommate, because I couldn’t deal with it for years. My disappointment in myself, others or things just not working out, made it impossible for me to ever shut off that inner critic. I remember trying to filter out anything that would make me feel bad. All forms of communication: email, phone, in-person. I couldn’t bear hearing I made a mistake or let someone down. I wore a steel armor to keep a critical friend from critiquing me, telling me what was wrong with me. And endings? Forget that-I could barely commit to a beginning! Not getting the job or losing one – I ran from these things!!
Anxiety and depression had hold of me for years. Perfection reigned, after all if I was holding up all corners of the tent and performing in the circus who could complain?
I had no idea what it meant to have my own goals of success. I had borrowed concepts from others, society, friends, parents; but had none of my own. I didn’t trust myself to dig deep and act on what I truly wanted for me. What if I “looked” like a failure?
I should also mention I excelled at self-sabotage. I worked hard, but never felt like I fit in or deserved success (whatever that meant). It took me years and a lot of falling down to figure out who I was, what I actually wanted and to “be”, just to “be” me. I had a major excavation project with getting thru the layers of bricks I’d built around my heart.
Today, I feel like a kid, free, happy and carefree. There is still the “me”, who struggles with the remains of being a recovering perfectionist. Even though anxiety rarely pops up nowadays and depression is more of a memory it has been pointed out to me by two people who are very close to me, I’m still hard on myself. That is something I make small choices about many times a day, when I find myself becoming rigid, I try to relax myself physically and tell myself that I am doing what I can and that is all I am willing to do, period. It helps!
Everyday I make it a point to be kind to myself (even if I’m having an off day), not hold high expectations of what “I” alone can accomplish; I reach out and ask for help, trust that all will be well and continue to not necessarily welcome disappointment, but I don’t run from it, because I am far more resilient. An oft-repeated phrase, this too shall pass, is an absolute truth.
I believe I can have the existence I want for myself. I can see clearly where I want to be, its been there for years; I just wore really dark sunglasses while I took the scenic route. I am always aware now. I don’t control timing, situations or other people and so, for now, as I continue to believe and be open to what the Universe brings into my life, I am letting go more and HAVING FUN!
I appreciate my life, but still have times when I don’t …
All of us human beings, enlightened and unenlightened get to experience the full realm of emotions, issues and inner voices too. We all deserve the life we want, so just believe it can happen for you! No matter how far you or I come on our journey, there is always something in us (big or small), that needs acceptance, to be loved, and told its “okay”, its time to take off and fly; let go and be.