Why do we hold others to expectations that are truly impossible to fulfill?

Do we enjoy disappointment?

What part of placing someone in a “light of perfection” do we actually think is a happy and healthy place for anyone to live ? And what about being the one placed on the pedestal trying to live up to some unfathomable expectation?

I have encountered in the past couple of months (make that years), personally and professionally, quite a few situations in which I am on both the giving and receiving end of this wonderful phenomenon. Even better, what about the expectations you place on yourself? (This is a great starting place for seeking inner peace)

By others placing me in this position of their own entitlement or expectation rather than appreciation or just letting me be who I am, it taught me how I have done this with someone in my life.

My expectations hit me square between the eyes. Thankfully, by the time I understood how I had done this with him, I had stopped to a large degree. My expectations are not for someone else to absorb and throw on their back.

Dig Deep and what do you find? Gold or coal?

I have found that relationships with people in my life rate as most important alongside my relationship with me.

I want to hold everyone in a place of love.

It just makes it easier for others and myself. When I start “holding people accountable” in a way that is detrimental to the relationship, I have to ask myself why I want to sabotage the situation, especially if I care about the person.

We can hold others accountable, but remember the goal. If you are to hold another accountable, it must be clear, concise and understood by both parties as to what is expected from each other in terms of action or words. It is simple, because even if someone does not come through it is discussed and resolved.

Instead, when it is unclear and assumed (assumptions are the gateway to hell), all hell can break loose.

There are times, someone may just fail, not come through or disappoint us even though everything was clearly laid out.

First, we have to show compassion for our own self and the other.

It’s okay to f—k up, we all do. And if it is not, then the relationship does not have a healthy, honest and trusting foundation.

The greatest gift we give each other is acceptance. Accepting of who someone is and where they are in their life.

Acceptance does not necessarily mean we keep the person in our life (but it makes it a helluva lot easier to really BE in a relationship with someone without resentment), it may mean we understand, have compassion and accept that we can love people, but not choose to engage or invest as a core relationship in our life.

At times in my life, living on the pedestal was a welcome challenge.

Appearances of having it all together and being Wonder Woman were important. I put others needs ahead of mine, attempted to be a fairy godmother and worked hard for approval. I really have made strides in not sacrificing myself too often, but once in awhile it happens. And it is my responsibility when I place myself in an awkward position for approval. I blame no one else.

You realize no matter what you do or how you do it, if someone is looking to be let down, they will find a way to be let down. And you get to be the source of the disappointment, deserved or not.  There is no right or wrong in reality, although one or both parties may want to draw a line down the middle. Perception is where we all operate from and that is subjective.

I have been working diligently at changing my own perception of my life.

As I encounter challenges, I ask myself if I must fight or can I just go with the flow?

It’s as simple as realizing when you sit at the border waiting to get back into your country that the snafu, which is keeping you in a holding tank of sorts is out of your control. And so, you relax and go with it, knowing it will eventually work out (this coming from me, a retired AAA personality), doing this in relationships is not a bad idea too.

In letting go of the expectations of others, especially if the situation was unclear can be a little more difficult.

The ability to not take on another’s “stuff” and remain neutral, compassionate and open is a way to peace (inner and outer). Every time you can understand another’s perspective and their chosen reaction, BUT at the same time let go of making it your crusade or trying to fix it for them, yet still care, you have made an inroad to peace. It is difficult to do, because if you have false core beliefs…this may hit those buttons.

Honesty is very helpful, real get down n’ dirty authenticity is at the base of a healthy situation. And I don’t mean honesty and authenticity, which says I am a bad person, you’re a weak liar or anything meant to assuage guilt. It is where both people own their shit. Own it! When we stop piling it on others and take responsibility for what we want and who we are, a world of change can happen.

In the past, I had people tell me I am intimidating at times. The label always fascinated me, yet it has become clear as to why people found me that way. When it came to situations where I was willing to be honest and authentic I could be a force to reckoned with if someone else wasn’t able to come from the same place. I would hold people accountable to something they had no interest or understanding of inside of their perception.

I did not understand how someone did not clearly see they were complaining or giving an excuse.

I had no tolerance for either, I wanted people to just say “I am human, I screwed up.” Or “this is the issue, how do we resolve it?” or “I promised you this, but I can’t come through.”

I realized that even though I held a door open to honest communication, that some couldn’t come through the door and would blame me for it, as though my wanting honesty was a travesty and I was a bitch for standing firmly in that space. It made me realize I had an expectation of others they couldn’t possibly live up to in any form. My righteous position gave me a ton of heartache. And I had to stop. I did. And with the letting go of holding others to communicate with me in this fashion, either those relationships naturally fell away, or through many missteps our relationships grew HAPPIER, deeper and wider.

The point is no one belongs on a pedestal.

Expectations more often than not lead to disappointment.

Clear and concise communication about shared goals is the quickest route to peace.

Work with your core beliefs; the ones, which keep you stuck in pain and expectation.

Let go of the perception you have of others or yourself in which you are seemingly always placed in a position of disappointment.

And let everyone “be” just as they are, miracles happen this way! I know!

One of my clients recently shared something with me in regard to having faith for herself. She told me of a little habit she has developed. Writing questions to her higher self (or whatever it is that would work for you) and then writing the answers she receives. She believes the answers do not come from her, because the resulting advice isn’t anything she would ever say.

I thought about this for a bit.

I often ask questions of a higher power while on my daily walks. I hope to acquire answers through my senses; hearing, seeing or even receiving an amazing epiphany. I had not tried her technique of writing questions to receive answers. Although, I know Neale Donald Walsch who wrote “Conversations with God”, used this type of Q&A session as the basis for his book.

I have used writing for a variety of endeavors. I have spent time writing intentions as stories with many nuanced feelings and imagery that are heart-based. I find the intentions that are from my heart, actually appear at a much quicker rate then the ones I “think” about wanting in my life. Seems what the heart knows and desires, the heart receives…maybe in a different picture, but it is fulfilled.

I decided I would try out my client’s method of talking to my higher power. I thought I would start simple. I asked, “Can we expect world peace anytime soon?” (C’mon they ask beauty pageant finalists a similar question-how difficult could it be???) The answer: “It lies within humankind to recognize each individual as unique and to accept. Once we accept our brother, sister and self, we are on the road to peace. Acceptance not eradication. Acceptance through fear. Acceptance joined with love of the self and others. Acceptance of every dark quality within every cell of your being will bring the world to a place of peace.”

I thought about it for a minute. This really did not answer my question. I asked if we could expect peace any time soon and I didn’t get a “yes” or “no”. And the answer I received was very similar to something I would state…. so I had to take this a bit more seriously to possibly produce better results.

And so I tried a few personal questions. I could not differentiate between my brain and messages outside of me. It seemed like it all sounded the same. Sigh. What type of question would yield an answer that I could be SURE was not coming from me?

The closest I came to any sort of halfway real answer is this one: “What will happen in relation to my work this week? You will have a very busy week, many things will take place that are unexpected and make you believe that you are in alignment with your goals.” Now if this transpires this week; I may have to believe all the answers I received to my questions.

I thought it may be the quality of these questions. Though, for the purpose of this exercise, I wanted to ask very general requests of the intelligent life force that I have seen perform miracles. And then it dawned on me. Keep it simple. What is in my heart, not my head? Just like I said before I started writing the questions.

Questions from the mind aren’t going to be satisfied with the answers, no matter what is stated. Heart questions are always sated, because most of the time, the heart already knows the answer.

Heart questions are not attached to a specific person, place or thing. It is concerned with well-being. The final answer should provide a sense of well-being.

I also realized that my way of asking for fulfillment of my requests each morning on my walk, elicited answers all day long. Maybe not how I envisioned, but when I allowed my perception to widen in accepting an answer, I very often end up feeling giddy with delight as I recognize the Universe providing for me.

I had recently found the more aware I am throughout the day of what takes place in and around me, the quicker results happen in my life. I feel like I am in a flow not forcing or pushing my agenda. It is way more creative to watch how the Universe provides exactly what you asked in ways so far beyond what you had imagined; it is actually mind-blowing.

Personally, I rather enjoy all these little surprises. I feel expansive, not limited and it has given me opportunities that I may not have noticed in the past while I focused on “how it had to be”….not that I have let go completely of my picture, but I have definitely widened the lens for fulfillment.

Doesn’t the president have more important things to do? I don’t know, maybe solving the issues that have us on the verge of bankruptcy and wars we can’t afford to create?

Now, it doesn’t matter to me in terms of the “real” why to those questions.

What matters to me is why in a country built on a declaration in 1776 of inalienable rights are we constantly invading the space of others, giving unwarranted opinions and advice, to tell “individuals” how and what they should do in their own private life. Especially when no one on the face of this planet is the paragon of perfection (whatever that is, and by the way, for me, no thank you to trying to be something that makes me miserable, insert smiley face “here”).

Where did it change that not just as a country are we in the business of everyone globally (invited or not)…but that people in this country feel entitled to the right to focus on what their neighbor is doing, when its none of their damn business (as long as they are not causing physical harm or duress to anyone else)? Is it the media who has made “news” out of items, which should remain a private, personal choice? The politicians?

The thing is, none of these questions are really what my point is of this post.

If we look to our leadership for ideas on how to engage with others, what do we see? (I’m actually not going to answer that question, because it would require an entire other post on the subject)

Instead I believe, the president (figurehead) aka government like everyone else needs to allow people their freedom. Just because you don’t agree with the lifestyle of someone else, or the religious choices of others or naturally born differences; it doesn’t give anyone and I mean anyone the right to infringe.

This isn’t about politics (and as an OPINION, both parties are the same—I don’t favor either, I actually favor Lincoln’s party of the 1860s, insert smiley face “here”).

My post is actually about happiness.

We focus on others and not our OWN self. Focus on others distracts us from our “self”. We become consumed by the actions and words of others; what they do, don’t do or say, most of the time. We become passionate about defending our stance when half the time we never looked deep enough inside to know WHY we feel the way we do. We are disconnected from our own truth. We avoid the most important person in our own life, us; meaning: you and me.

I am generalizing, because I know many people don’t fall into the pit of self-despair and ignore it, while they TRY to fix someone else or their view, so they feel better.

If you are not looking within, now would be a great time to focus on who you are, what you want for you (not anyone else), and being KIND TO YOURSELF, then world peace could prevail.

If you focus on making you authentically happy, your days aren’t filled with the desire to control the behavior of others or wanting things to be different; your days are filled with being kind to yourself (which makes you a whole heck of a lot happier to be around too) as you participate in your life. Not venom spit at others. Not power through conquering others, power through self-empowerment.

As long as the focus is outside of you in terms of desiring change, then true peace and happiness will never reign, because outside factors will rule your inner sanctuary.

Leave thy neighbor alone. Let others figure their lives out or not.

No one and I mean no one changes their mind or heart by others for the better, unless its what they truly want. When you exude force it gives the false impression that someone has acquiesced, but in reality they will still think and believe what they want. They will disappoint you and that is their right.

The idea of a perfect world doesn’t exist, because EVEN if the outer world was perfect it will never make you happy.

Only you can have happiness by accepting all that is, taking action that is in alignment with happiness and not the opposite… Battles fought and won are never won for good; it is so much easier to just give up the struggle and live. And when the outside world temporarily cooperates, great! Embrace inner peace; it is not temporary. The struggle ends when you stop getting involved in the lives of others; when they don’t want or ask for you to help or to fix them or for your opinion. Whew! What a relief! I can already breathe easier with that weight lifted!

The more we give up the fight of what we can’t control, it makes self-responsibility an actual option. The individual becomes the collective and it leads to PEACE.

I’m not writing to change your personal beliefs. We all have the right to honor and value our own beliefs… So it makes sense to allow everyone else that same right.

Spending time judging others is painful. It is actually more tragic than that, because whatever bar we use to judge others is turned inward on ourselves…. the inner critic prevails and creates a constant state of battle inside.

The heart and mind will duke it out when the sense of self is so fragile it must have agreement about its beliefs or it fights, it fights for its very life. It lives in pain…and all that is inward is brought outward.

Again we all have the freedom to believe what we want; although it would be a far more peaceful world if we could dump our personal beliefs which make a person feel unhappy, disconnected, unworthy or alone. 

It is why I took up coaching; I witness people taking action to counter those beliefs, which keep them stuck rolling in the mud. I watch the tension relax of holding these painful beliefs as true, which in turn allows self-acceptance, self-love and empowerment. And amazingly the more we accept ourselves, the more we accept the rest of the world.

So, it really isn’t a political discussion; it’s really about how to establish world peace, starting with each individual FOCUSING on their OWN beautiful self.

Just when you think you have yourself and everyone else on the planet figured out, surprises happen!

The benefit is it makes me a much stronger fan of “letting go and watching miracles sprout”. I find letting go of how I think a situation, relationship or anything which includes MY version of a HAPPY outcome (in my head) is confirmation a REAL Santa Claus exists.

Force gets you nada. Nada gets you nothing. Nothing in exchange gives you frustration, anger and pimples.

I love that when I least expected certain things to work out in my life, they come around in completely unexpected ways! All I did was lovingly (for me and others) let go, which allows things to be whatever they are meant to be…and voila! All sorts of miracles start to take place. So what am I saying?

Stop nagging. Really, just stop. You were heard the first 1751 times and if nothing changed after saying it once, either re-group and kindly live with it or get to stepping out of that situation/relationship. Give up the grind, you will feel like you have had the best massage ever!!

Stop needing to have your way. We all WANT our way, all of us. It is our picture, darn-it and that’s how it is supposed to be, because I said so! Just go with the flow; stop demanding, pouting, coercing, manipulating, et al. I guarantee the Universe, God, your mate, your dog, your pet iguana will bring you a MUCH better picture than the one you painted.

Give up control. Same thing, but not as the other two. It is about letting go, step back, breathe, allow and accept. Sometimes life gives us stale bread instead of that amazing loaf of fresh crusty french bread. No matter how much you have tried to control, and you are still coming up empty-handed, take it as a CLUE, a BIG clue! Release your grip and allow your life to breathe. If the roof is going to cave in, it will happen whether your standing on a ladder holding it up with both hands or you decided to get a lawn chair and watch it crumble from the sidelines. LET goooooooo…..

When you want to attach GPS or a leash to a person (be it your kid or mate), please refrain. Stop right thar’ pardner….bad idea.

First it isn’t about trusting the other person to the right….or….wrong thing. The argument is truly about your own ability to handle disappointment or hurt. If this person does something against “your better judgment”, are you resilient enough to deal? People are going to do whatever they want to do, whatever time of day or night, whether or not they are tied to a GPS or leash. Look in the mirror–this is who you need to trust first (YOU) and then…..let go.

The more you let go, the more whole you become. The outside world starts to have less impact on your inner peace, because when you believe it will work out for the best no matter what the situation looks like…you are in a place of acceptance, grace and fulfillment.

All this letting go, equals an amazing word= MIRACLES. You step right out of pulling, pushing, fighting, whining, crying, etc…. You slide right into a more relaxed position about the world, your life and your connection to everyone and everything in this Universe. Everywhere you look (because your perception is now 20/20 not 20/150) will reflect your loosening your hold as you open to all sorts of possibility.

Trust this statement, when you let go….the impossible becomes possible. Let go of that idea, the rules, the rigidity, the fixed perception and anything else which keeps you stuck in a place where you are constantly in battle…..and just watch what happens.

Seriously, I have had the absolute best outcomes to situations and relationships in which I let nature takes its course. I stated what I wanted or needed, and then let come what may. And let me tell you, when you believe in abundance there is an unlimited return on your “believing” investment.

In the past week, I have watched this phenomenon in every part of my life. And instead of wanting to grab the reins back, I continue to let go and not control. Let me say, it feels good. I am receiving and I am not forcing, all I do is ask and I receive. It doesn’t come in a way I expect, it comes to me naturally. I have no attachment to an outcome except happiness, love, stability and lotsa prosperity of all sorts. And leaving it general seems to allow the spaces to fill themselves in, focus on what you know will be fulfilling,  but don’t attach it to a “MUST”.

Please check out my article here on elephant journal.

Definition: Kinda like the horse whisperer, but more in line with being addicted to a way of living, which is beyond all logic, and actively BLOCKS action toward any goal you have of happiness or wholeness.

It is easy to achieve “keeper” status when you ain’t payin’ any attention.

We all do it when we say, “Why does this keep happening to me over and over?”  Or “ I try so hard and nothing seems to work”. Yes, my friend…you are the “pattern keeper” too, indiscriminately whispering repetitively to yourself, what you deserve.

And when it comes to others. Let’s say in your most important relationship your partner continually finds comfort in wallowing in self-pity. This person is pity party central over a bad hair day or a trip to the dentist ruins their entire week. You feel you have tried everything to lift his or her jowls off the floor and what you really want to do is SCREAM. You want to say, “If you don’t like your steak well-done then start ordering it how YOU like it!” And taking it a step further, let’s just say this is your pattern in this situation; “be nice, then you can’t take it anymore and blow up” does this help toward bonding and being happy? Hell no!

It is hard to take a step back and decide that you won’t participate in such a detrimental way. You decide you won’t punish yourself or the other person by losing your cool and saying things you will regret. Instead, you take a deep breath and say, “What does this person need from me right now?” Not sympathy, but COMPASSION. If your goal is love and happiness, then you step out of your anger pattern and take a very uncomfortable step into authentic compassion.

I am sure as “pattern keepers”, that scenario could be applied to several situations. I know in my own life it is an experience I am confronted with and have actively stepped into compassion—it feels better and is where I want to skip along to as I make this journey.

We think we are aware of what we do and why we do it, but most of the time we are just reacting to something in the past. We keep the past alive and well when we are not aware.

We say, “I want to buy a house, so I need to save money.” And we try so hard for a day or a week and then that really cool car or Jet Ski with its immediate gratification seems to be a better bet and we again move out of alignment with our goal.

We get fed up, angry and resentful.

We swear and promise that we will not be stuck in Groundhog Day.

Anger and frustration do not create a smooth road to peace; it instead lengthens the distance you must travel. It is the continued route of resistance, ennui, drama and everything else belonging in a soap opera. You are the main character when you don’t “see and understand the origin of your patterns” and “when you don’t take action NOW by making different choices (as difficult as it is) to gain a different outcome.”

You must listen for the whisper. The whisper belongs to a thought that is uttered by the pattern keeper within you. If you react with disappointment to news of a loss or something which makes you question “who you are” with depression or withdrawing from life, PAY ATTENTION. This is a PERFECT opportunity to grab back your dreams from the grasp of the pattern keeper. You can decide to respond differently to those circumstances. This is the KEY. Don’t let YOU hold YOU back.

Things don’t go our way, a lot of the time. Don’t let the pattern keeper do a number on your mojo! As hard as it is to respond favorably to disappointment, see it is a temporary setback and keep on groovin’ down that party line. Make a choice to not let that pattern of reaction be the RULER. Take back your power and make shit happen!

I do this regularly, especially when I feel stuck. I know it’s the pattern keeper in me spinning its head around and barfing up green gook. I have bigger dreams and the only way to achieve them is to hear that “whisper” and take opposite action. Make it opposite day and see what you achieve.

Obviously, I am not trying to inspire violence or any law breaking here; more importantly I am saying don’t do what is comfortable (that is always a red light flashing)…instead go emotionally sky-diving!!! Jump off that cliff!

The older you get the more the pattern keeper may rule, after all you have all these years of experience to back up those patterns. Your dreams don’t die; they get buried in your own limitations. It is all in your head when you take the path that is comfortable, the one, which make your days resemble Groundhog’s Day. Take the past of least INNER resistance; don’t battle yourself.

Listen to for the whisper. Stop for a minute and decide to take opposite action even if you feel you have cement blocks for feet. Then take you and all your heaviness, spread your wings and fly like you are a child once again. You will feel a sense of giddiness when you see yourself moving away from the pattern keeper. You will recognize your empowerment and feel anything is possible. I promise!!

Please check out my article on the elephant journal. Click here to read it!!!

It held true for me in today’s events at the boutique. I dedicate the message of the 9 Insights to Emma Molina-ynequez, Vanessa Villegas, Adi Shakti and Tracy  Crossley who providing me the opening today to see this movie and KNOW the message as I live it, and shared it today with each of them. Namaste!

The Celestine Prophecy:
1st Insight- Meaningful coincidences. We are at a point in the developmental history of human consciousness where development will accelerate. The major evidence for this is the increased number of meaningful coincidences people are noticing in their lives.

2nd Insight- Historical perspective. This point in human history can best be understood by a revisioning of the past millennium. In the early part of the millennium, human consciousness was dominated by beliefs promulgated by the Catholic Church, as in knowing one’s proper place in society, humanity at the center of the universe, and the battle between good and evil. These beliefs gave meaning to life.

This domination was challenged during the Renaissance and Reformation. At that time, humanity established a grand project of exploring the world, using the tools of science, with the hope of gaining a new answer to the meaning of life. While waiting for that answer to come, attention turned to increasing material comfort. That project is now at an end–material comfort has been achieved, but we have lost touch with sources of meaning. Moreover, the answers we wanted are now appearing–not necessarily from institutional science, but from a variety of sources.

3rd Insight-Subtle energy. There is an energy, previously undetected by science, that forms the basis of all things. Human perception of that energy starts with an increased awareness of beauty in people, animals, plants, and ecosystems. By becoming aware of that energy, we are able to notice when and how we give and receive energy.

4th Insight-Competition for energy. A fundamental assumption underlies most human interactions: we must compete for energy, drawing it from others and protecting ourselves from others’ attempts to draw it from us. This leads to some nasty interactions.

5th Insight-Energy abundance. Competition is unnecessary, because subtle energy exists in abundance. In particular, we can acquire more by eating plants which have high energy levels. (And we can ensure that the plants have high energy levels by paying attention to them, by giving them energy.) Being in a loving state not only connects our energy to the object of our love, but to a greater source of energy as well. This is the essence of mystical experience. The goal is to practice the lessons of the Celestine Prophecy, which is to obtain and remain connected with the energy. Moreover, a person’s energy is the source of the meaningful coincidences noticed in the First Insight. Each mystical experience stretches a person’s potential, causing them to exist “at a higher state of vibration”.

6th Insight-Getting clear. In order to be in a state of love with the world on a regular basis, we have to let go of patterns of behavior we developed to take energy from others.

First, we have to become aware of our “control dramas” and break our controlling habits.

There are four control patterns or ways of causing others to give us energy, two actively demanding energy, two passively creating conditions in which energy is sent.

“Active” control dramas include intimidation and interrogation – asking questions and then picking apart the answers.

“Passive” control dramas include aloofness – creating an air of mystery that entices others to send energy–and “poor me”–creating a sense that if others don’t provide energy, something awful will happen to the controller.

Second, we have to “get clear” of our control dramas. We must understand our parents’ control dramas and how these shaped ours. Then we must learn what meaning our parents’ lives had for us, and how this determines our own developmental work. The things we would change about our parents – individually and together – are what we need to work on in our own lives.

7th Insight-Using intuition. When we are in touch with the energy, clear of our control dramas, and aware of the questions relevant to this moment, our intuition supplies the answers we need. Once we are aware of these answers, we need only watch for meaningful coincidences to show us how to act on them.

8th Insight-Relating to others. This insight comes in several pieces.Children can be raised without control dramas if they have constant, undivided access to an adult who can give them the energy they need.

Development can be blocked by an “addiction to another person”. The subtle energy has a male and female side. If you can access one and someone else the other, then for a short time the couple can be filled with energy. But the focus on the other person eventually cuts each off from the universal energy. The two begin competing for energy, restarting control dramas. This is the falling-in-love/falling-out-of-love phenomenon.

Everyone who crosses our path has a message for us. We should give them energy and help them get clear so that they can accurately deliver the message.

The control drama of others will break down if we name them and refuse to play a role in them.

9th Insight-Conscious evolution. This insight is a vision of culture in the next millennium.
Humans consciously participate in their evolution by living according to their intuition, which guides them in such a way as to increase their energy. Population decreases so much that most of the world can be allowed to return to wilderness, creating old-growth forests full of energy. The means of survival are automated and available to everyone. Their sense of purpose is satisfied by “the thrill of our own evolution”.

People will consume less and work less so that they can work on their evolution.

Catchy title, huh? Well, you can find peace in all sorts of places. Pajama bottoms? Quite possibly.

There is a mechanism that kicks into gear when we stop the battle. It goes into full board operation when we stop our inner struggle. The action that takes place starts when we yield; we call a truce and accept.

The knack for defining a truce and allowing acceptance for your life “as is” right now is a tremendous gift.

The truce may be moment to moment.

In those spacious moments, when we are not clinging to hope or strategizing how to remove the bazillion objects standing in the way of what we think we want; a new opening starts to unfold. It could be a stepping-stone to a new passageway. Maybe its a feeling of space, relaxing and having faith that all will be as it is meant toward a happy outcome.

Amazing things happen when we realize that the way we may create pressure, emphatically trying to tell or convince someone of what we want from them or how we are right, is at a cost to our well being and we end up sacrificing who we are to have what we think we want.

I find when I am in a battle with myself over what is currently going on in my life, I take “inside action.”

I close my eyes and sort of melt into the feeling of the struggle, my battle. Asking myself, what is really going on here? Once I am clear, I make a plea or a prayer to my higher power. Usually along the lines of giving the issue up, as in NOT being attached to what the outcome is, but arriving at a place of inner peace and clarity.

My goal is NOT to win with my will, because those achievements are never fulfilling to me. The goal is to achieve peace, joy and acceptance of what is NOW, because harmony is only created from within no matter what is going on outside of us.

Now,this process is easier said than done.

Sometimes it may take days or weeks for me to get to the point of surrendering my internal battle.I get stuck in the emotions and wanting something to change outside of me and the more it doesn’t the more frustrated I may grow, until I get to the point of wanting surrender.

I also circumvent the amount of time I find myself in this unforgiving space by keeping an awareness of my thoughts, so I avoid going into a full-blown battle. If I am paying attention to my inner chatter, I usually see the triggers happening that lead me on my downward spiral.

And if I can sit with the triggers and ask if this “chatter” is true, I usually find it is not and can then carry on with not having a battlefield within.

My usual process is to identify what it is I really want and what I am not getting.

Then I give up hope of getting my way. Hope can be a nasty deterrent from inner peace. It basically keeps you from living your life in the present. A goal and hope don’t have to be buddies. You can be focused on a goal, but hope leads you astray—it is a form of “waiting”.  There is never anything that you hope for which comes to you that stops that vicious cycle of waiting for the next thing you are hoping for in your life. You live in hoping and waiting…. there is no “action” in either of those words.

So, once hope has been taken out of the frame, I am free to pray. And remind myself there is only “love or fear” and inner peace and harmony are grown from love. After praying for being shown the road “kindly” to peace and harmony, I let go. I let go of what I think the outcome should be as the “be all, end all.” And I feel a release, a relaxation with all that is…I accept the very moment by surrendering to what is and knowing that what I need guidance with will be taken care of in a different way than I can imagine.

That leads me to what I do after getting clear, praying, letting go and surrendering… 

I look and listen. I listen for the guidance that goes with my gut, even if it is a surprise or not how I thought things should play out…I listen for the words and I look for the signs. When you ask for answers, you receive them. It is to be open and not attached to your outcome that you achieve peace and harmony.

We participate, we don’t force. We love, and recognize our fears. We take different or “right” action with “right” view (a nod to the 8 fold path) rather than the SAME action, which keeps us stuck in our inner battlefield. 

All we control is our inner playground, why not make it a fun and joyous place rather than a wasteland of discarded dreams, failures that you kick yourself over, dysfunctional relationships, or anything else which makes life seem like slugging it through the swamps.

Remember the key: Become clear on what exactly you are feeling in struggle, anger or dissatisfaction.  Follow it with praying/asking/intending, letting go, surrender and opening to seeing and hearing what guidance is available to you in achieving that inner harmony and getting to your goals without your bayonet.

That’s a BIG question we all seem to ask at one point or another in our lifetime. Wanting change and creating change can be miles apart. How do we bridge the chasm?

First, we should be clear on what a few of our goals are that we yearn to accomplish for ourselves. Creating true change requires us to understand WHY we want to achieve specific goals in the first place. What is the motivation behind the goal?

I was talking to a man this past week-end at a party. He asked what I did for a living. He then proceeded to tell me how he had a life coach a few years back and it helped him to attain a few goals. He continued to share by telling me his current goals: losing weight, exercising, getting into a relationship and sticking with a vegan regime.

Those are great goals! I asked him what his motivation was to achieve his new goals.  He stated his motivation was his exasperation of being alone, which elicited his need to be healthier to “deserve”a partner. He was also concerned about his weight for health reasons and wanted to lead by example by showing his daughter he would adopt this new healthy lifestyle.

A lifestyle change is a big one for most people. “DESERVING” is our biggest impediment. We don’t just wake up one day and *poof* we are ensconced in our current lifestyle! Oh no, we had the help of our old beliefs and patterns in determining what we “deserve”.

If we really want to change our lives…it requires quite a bit of awareness or having reached a point where your current lifestyle is untenable. Many people get to the point of living in such misery or hit rock bottom that the only choice appears to be “change“. But, how to do it?

Well… after identifying goals and your motivation, next on the list would be locating the origin or seed of your goal. Did the goal take root from your heart and soul; an authentic desire in support of “who you are” or is it a goal derived in your head; an expectation or some other “I must do this to be okay or I will never accept myself goal?” The sustainability of accomplishing and living your goal lies in the answer to that question.

When we are truly connected to living a fulfilling existence in whatever we endeavor, it DOES matter as to whether the goal is on the level of deep within us or on the surface or EVEN outside of us. And the goals outside of US will NEVER bring us fulfillment.

It also matters if we crave it, because we will be accepted, feel normal, stop beating our less than perfect selves up or feel we have “arrived?” If it is your deepest motivation to live a life YOU love, then your goals need to match “the love” not the infatuation.

If I realize that I want to be married; I need to understand where that idea originates within me. Do I want to be married just so I am not alone, people will accept me and not see me as defective or some other negative perception? Or is it because I really want to reach the fullest expression of who I am and do it in partnership with my best friend and life partner?

The next question is what are you doing right now to support and achieve those goals? Are my actions in alignment with “what I say I want?” Are my goals truly sustainable once I accomplish them? Do I need participation from particular people in reaching for the stars?

Action is a great pattern-breaker. Taking opposite action when you least feel interested in popping out of your inertia aka your comfort zone is an amazing pattern crusher!! I know when I feel low energy, doom and gloom or wondering if things will ever change (I find the following saying appropriate: how do I expect different results when I keep doing the same thing?), I MUST be inspired to do the most difficult thing ever…move “toward” my goal.

That is the meaning behind actions in alignment with your goal. If you say you want happiness and fulfillment, but constantly take actions which make you suffer, sad or anything else which doesn’t resemble the “words” used to describe your objective…then STOP, right there. Punishment or abuse does not lead to happiness. That is a misnomer. And to LIVE a goal from authenticity, means you MUST take positive action. Don’t talk yourself out of it or find reasons to stay miserable.

And really, if you are looking to other people to all of a sudden turn from a “resistor” into a supportive person, you are waiting for the 12th of never. Other people have their own agenda. And their goals may not be in alignment with you want or if they are in alignment, they may have a different idea as to what that picture looks like.

Sometimes we think we MUST chain ourselves to something really unpleasant to achieve a goal.

It is really a statement of missing the truth of what we truly want, but more so it shows what we believe we deserve. It is time to trek back to our “belief system”. The secrets about our motivation, self-sabotage and limitations are all there waiting to be uncovered.

Why would anyone believe that making themselves suffer is ever for the greater good of any goal? No one outside of you recognizes your charitable suffering. No one will ever thank you enough or have an appropriate amount of gratitude to assuage the pain for what we sacrifice. WHY? Because NO ONE wants that responsibility. Seriously, if I found someone sacrificing their happiness for me, I would ask them to stop now. There is nothing genuine or noble in the act of sacrificing for another…it again shows how little we believe we deserve happiness.

Our happiness and fulfillment come from “moving through” our journey to the goal. Even if you embrace a difficult goal, when it is from “your truth“, the inherent obstacles and challenges don’t cause you to sacrifice or suffer emotionally.  It is a HUGE pattern to break, because of the belief behind it….but, when you do find how useless suffering for others or an ideal in your mind is, you have then recognized a way to your TRUE goals.

These questions are a starting place to changing your life.

It is also a great idea to surround yourself or at least have one person who supports you as you reach for the stars. It is an even greater idea to have someone in your life who remains true to your quest; holding you to taking new action in seizing onto a blissful moonbeam and travelling the  journey, we all can use the help!

My big toe, knows as much as the rest of me. Honestly, just liked that statement as my blog post title today.

This is about relationships.

The funny thing about the word “good” in relationship to oneself is the other word: subjective.

It is my perception, which distinguishes something as good or bad. And sometimes there is a grey area where I cannot tell the difference.  It comes from my conditioning, my core beliefs.

In relationships, I have found myself staying too long (rarely) or not long enough (more often than not); there is still no clear answer for me when enough is enough or if I still don’t know the true meaning of love. 

I have experienced a lot of pain in a current relationship and at the same time, I have received such reward in knowing and learning to love him and myself. I can’t say I am the same person I was three years ago that I am now. I am now educated with the meaning of the word openhearted and the many ways I have closed my heart in the past.

This person loves me very much, he tells me I have an amazing open heart (as you know from my posts—that has been something that didn’t come easily for me) and that I am the love of his life. He is learning to love himself too. He gets stuck in the past emotionally, afraid to truly move forward into a two feet in, amazing relationship. I know it would be amazing, because in between the painful moments it is amazing. Can’t really think of a way we are not connected. Thank you Universe for the very over the top synchronicity, weird commonalities and intuitive connection, truly wonder sometimes if the Universe is a comedian in disguise?

I have walked away a few times; I am the one who has chosen it with the thought of it being permanent. He never has seen it as permanent, because he is always the one to reach out to me.

I crave normal, but what is normal? It is a subjective answer. I possessed my own ideas; I realize now, most of what I thought defines “normal” is a fantasy. Where did I find that picture perfect fairy tale postcard, hmmm?

It has been a fight, as I have watched from the sidelines this man battle himself to unwillingly stay living in a painful emotional prison against his GROWING desire to find the courage and will to move toward a life of love and fulfillment. Sometimes I think he needs a referee for himself.

Nothing I do or say will vary it or him. None of us have DIRECT impact upon making another human being change. You can NEVER tell a person what “they” need to do for themselves. Even if you are chomping at the bit and are frustrated by watching another, forget it. None of us listen and make the changes we are told will bring true happiness, because we stand in our own way. Not until we are ready to take flight do we find our own wings.

I recognize in my relationship how lucky, fortunate, blessed I am with the ease of our communication and how we understand and know each other…. and how fun it is, we laugh a lot!

I have yet to meet anyone on this planet who I share what we share in the multitude of connections on several levels. But, is it enough?

He wants me in his life, but we have not really jumped that fence too far into the lives of each other. Wanting and doing are two different things.

Most people like to tell others to move on when it is less than perfect; I often wonder what they move on to when they do? I have listened in the past to advice and followed it, only to have found I threw down the gauntlet and vacated the relationship prematurely. And thus, I carried that baggage forward too. If I would have stayed and worked through til the very end when I was emotionally at a point of knowing rather than premature numbness, I may have made healthier relationship decisions with each subsequent one.

Which is why I always tell my clients to see it through all the way until the end, until you are done with it or married…don’t throw in the towel too soon.

He has a large cave he inhabits, because it’s where he can hear himself and not the voices. The voice he believes is me, actually is “the ghost of females past.”  He assumes I will not understand if he has to disappoint me or that he’ll be lectured. He is getting pretty savvy at knowing when I express my feelings it is not a lecture. And the cave is not an issue, as long as I am aware that is where he has gone.

Honesty is where I operate from in my own life.  That is hard for many people to do, including me (and him), but I have found it to be the only way I am free of anxiety and extra baggage.

In relationships, people toss labels at others, stating actions or emotions as a diagnosis they believe to be true for the individual, when in reality it doesn’t tell the whole story. I am NOT one for labels. We live an overly-labeled society. We think that makes it safe and easy, we can either hide behind a label or judge someone with a label. It doesn’t resonate with me, because we as people all have unique characteristics.

Feelings are simple, yet complicated. You can’t pull it from someone and have it feel genuine, at the same time you have to be aware of what you need and are your needs met?

Long ago, I was very impatient needing immediate gratification and slowly, I learned to value things that take a long time to grow solidly. I can appreciate that, but when you feel that the garden you have is overgrown; it needs pruning or weeding. Time to take the gardening shears and trim it back.

Ultimatums work for some when the garden of our relationship is unwieldy. I personally like “genuine” respect of what is in the heart of the other rather than willfully state my demands as my way or re-planting the whole garden We all need to be motivated, but forcing it isn’t the way to where I want to live on the middle way/road/path (thank you Buddha).

Trying to keep it simple. And when we invite others to our garden party we run the risk of uprooting some of our more stable vegetation.

People will judge and decide that something is wrong with you or him. People will tout what “good” is and that is something that only the people in a relationship can decide…what is good? What do you sacrifice for good? Or what is important for you to decide something is good? I believe it is different for each person, it depends on what you want…. and what you are willing to give up or let go.

I’ve asked myself this question several times in my life; while single, coupled up or after a relationship ended.

I may experience a myriad of emotions when asking that question, and at times IN THE PAST kicked myself (I no longer subject myself to visiting my inner principal’s office), but come back to the answer for me….

Life is all about experiences.

Some are painful, some happy and many a combination of both.

If I choose to never take a leap of faith and instead watch life, relationships and love as an observer from the sidelines… I never get to have PASSIONATE experiences to love and grow.

I used to exist on the sidelines or I could call it a “living coffin” for years. I sealed off any opportunity in which pain could lasso me and tie me to the back of a bull. I numbed out, disconnected and lived in a hermetically sealed tupperware bowl- very lonely, routine and boring as hell. I was comfortable in my discomforting, predictable existence.

The thing is LIFE never let me stay there. It had a way of pulling me out! Not so startling considering my BIGGEST wish, because I was so lonely was that I really, really wanted a relationship. But my fears of letting my kitchen counter get dirty with emotions or letting my sink fill up with all sorts of abandoned dishes… scared me more.

So I made sure I chose men who wouldn’t suit me, because I wanted the discomfort of “sterile order”. I had distaste for drama, yet attracted it left, right and center…all the while thinking something was wrong with the other person.  I was a person who preferred emotions that lived in dreams and fantasies, but not in reality. Emotions had no place on my to do lists.

I was STUCK in my own private hell. I couldn’t get past my failed marriage, my failed attempts at relationships and yet, couldn’t admit it to myself that I was creating this crap, because I had the pretense of having it all together.

I suffered anxiety and depression daily, ugh. It was a sad party being the only guest, because I didn’t invite friends, relatives or mates into my cave…. when I felt crappy, I cut off, so I could feel crappier….

I look back at that time in my life, as though I was another person.

At times, I still find my first inclination is to cut off, run and hide.

Instead, when the kitchen gets dirty, I find I’m not in such a hurry to clean the countertops and some of those dishes in the sink aren’t abandoned. I’ve learned to enjoy the messiness of my own emotions and others. Emotions are where its at; overwhelming, engulfing, CRAZY, peaceful, joyous, et al…. I wouldn’t trade the connection for my old sad sack ways again. It’s definitely different to stand still and say “I’m here”. Rather than inflicting pain when the kitchen is messy.

I’ve learned I can handle far more than I thought I was capable of emotionally, because of the reward. Experiencing pure joy without experiencing its opposite is impossible; no one picks or chooses, which emotions to feel. We have to allow all of them equally.

I don’t expect others to change to make it safe and predictable. I do want safe and secure, but not predictable. I realize you can just love people. They may love you from the padded safety of their own box, which drives you CRAZY! But you can’t control it or them and yet, you can’t make it a situation, which is detrimental to your own well-being either. I figured out the best solution is to love them anyway, because I wish someone would have done that for me when I lived in my box.

When I have conversations in my head, I realize its unfinished business. Instead of putting it neatly in a cabinet, I let my feelings behind the mind chatter flow through me. I allow myself to miss someone so much that every part of me aches, I get a crowbar out and crack open the shield around my heart when I feel it closing, because I know when it does… I am back in my box.

Metaphorically, when I look back when I’m dead, I don’t want to say WTF? Why did I make it ALL so complicated, when it was so easy to live, move forward and be a huge fool for love over and over again even if it is ONE person I am committed to being a fool with and for—it is SIMPLE.

Life is all about staying the fool. In the tarot deck, the first card is “The Fool”. He stands for: Taking a risk, in the spirit of innocence and even amongst chaos; it is always time to take a leap off the cliff into the unknown. Life is a constant exploration, not a cement hole you bury yourself in to hibernate from change.

The other day I was at a store having my art framed to sell.

A jovial customer talked to me while admiring my art. Part of our conversation was about who she cared for as a nurse, “people who were in their 80s and older.” She was drawn to them always learning, by asking them for wisdom. She told me of three people in particular. One 85-year-old sobbing in her bed as she said she realized she would never be kissed passionately again. Another who said if she had it to do over, she wouldn’t listen to others and she would live her life for herself. And a third who said “Love is what its all about, partnership with someone sharing deep intimacy and the roller coaster ride.”

I’d rather have loved and lost, strapped myself into the roller coaster ride and been the biggest fool for love, then to have remained among the living dead.

Art by Christopher Paul