Why do we hold others to expectations that are truly impossible to fulfill?
Do we enjoy disappointment?
What part of placing someone in a “light of perfection” do we actually think is a happy and healthy place for anyone to live ? And what about being the one placed on the pedestal trying to live up to some unfathomable expectation?
I have encountered in the past couple of months (make that years), personally and professionally, quite a few situations in which I am on both the giving and receiving end of this wonderful phenomenon. Even better, what about the expectations you place on yourself? (This is a great starting place for seeking inner peace)
By others placing me in this position of their own entitlement or expectation rather than appreciation or just letting me be who I am, it taught me how I have done this with someone in my life.
My expectations hit me square between the eyes. Thankfully, by the time I understood how I had done this with him, I had stopped to a large degree. My expectations are not for someone else to absorb and throw on their back.
Dig Deep and what do you find? Gold or coal?
I have found that relationships with people in my life rate as most important alongside my relationship with me.
I want to hold everyone in a place of love.
It just makes it easier for others and myself. When I start “holding people accountable” in a way that is detrimental to the relationship, I have to ask myself why I want to sabotage the situation, especially if I care about the person.
We can hold others accountable, but remember the goal. If you are to hold another accountable, it must be clear, concise and understood by both parties as to what is expected from each other in terms of action or words. It is simple, because even if someone does not come through it is discussed and resolved.
Instead, when it is unclear and assumed (assumptions are the gateway to hell), all hell can break loose.
There are times, someone may just fail, not come through or disappoint us even though everything was clearly laid out.
First, we have to show compassion for our own self and the other.
It’s okay to f—k up, we all do. And if it is not, then the relationship does not have a healthy, honest and trusting foundation.
The greatest gift we give each other is acceptance. Accepting of who someone is and where they are in their life.
Acceptance does not necessarily mean we keep the person in our life (but it makes it a helluva lot easier to really BE in a relationship with someone without resentment), it may mean we understand, have compassion and accept that we can love people, but not choose to engage or invest as a core relationship in our life.
At times in my life, living on the pedestal was a welcome challenge.
Appearances of having it all together and being Wonder Woman were important. I put others needs ahead of mine, attempted to be a fairy godmother and worked hard for approval. I really have made strides in not sacrificing myself too often, but once in awhile it happens. And it is my responsibility when I place myself in an awkward position for approval. I blame no one else.
You realize no matter what you do or how you do it, if someone is looking to be let down, they will find a way to be let down. And you get to be the source of the disappointment, deserved or not. There is no right or wrong in reality, although one or both parties may want to draw a line down the middle. Perception is where we all operate from and that is subjective.
I have been working diligently at changing my own perception of my life.
As I encounter challenges, I ask myself if I must fight or can I just go with the flow?
It’s as simple as realizing when you sit at the border waiting to get back into your country that the snafu, which is keeping you in a holding tank of sorts is out of your control. And so, you relax and go with it, knowing it will eventually work out (this coming from me, a retired AAA personality), doing this in relationships is not a bad idea too.
In letting go of the expectations of others, especially if the situation was unclear can be a little more difficult.
The ability to not take on another’s “stuff” and remain neutral, compassionate and open is a way to peace (inner and outer). Every time you can understand another’s perspective and their chosen reaction, BUT at the same time let go of making it your crusade or trying to fix it for them, yet still care, you have made an inroad to peace. It is difficult to do, because if you have false core beliefs…this may hit those buttons.
Honesty is very helpful, real get down n’ dirty authenticity is at the base of a healthy situation. And I don’t mean honesty and authenticity, which says I am a bad person, you’re a weak liar or anything meant to assuage guilt. It is where both people own their shit. Own it! When we stop piling it on others and take responsibility for what we want and who we are, a world of change can happen.
In the past, I had people tell me I am intimidating at times. The label always fascinated me, yet it has become clear as to why people found me that way. When it came to situations where I was willing to be honest and authentic I could be a force to reckoned with if someone else wasn’t able to come from the same place. I would hold people accountable to something they had no interest or understanding of inside of their perception.
I did not understand how someone did not clearly see they were complaining or giving an excuse.
I had no tolerance for either, I wanted people to just say “I am human, I screwed up.” Or “this is the issue, how do we resolve it?” or “I promised you this, but I can’t come through.”
I realized that even though I held a door open to honest communication, that some couldn’t come through the door and would blame me for it, as though my wanting honesty was a travesty and I was a bitch for standing firmly in that space. It made me realize I had an expectation of others they couldn’t possibly live up to in any form. My righteous position gave me a ton of heartache. And I had to stop. I did. And with the letting go of holding others to communicate with me in this fashion, either those relationships naturally fell away, or through many missteps our relationships grew HAPPIER, deeper and wider.
The point is no one belongs on a pedestal.
Expectations more often than not lead to disappointment.
Clear and concise communication about shared goals is the quickest route to peace.
Work with your core beliefs; the ones, which keep you stuck in pain and expectation.
Let go of the perception you have of others or yourself in which you are seemingly always placed in a position of disappointment.
And let everyone “be” just as they are, miracles happen this way! I know!