I do wonder about love when it comes to intimate relationships.

How many people actually love the one they are with, right now?

Which then begs the question, how many people actually like the people they are with in a relationship? Maybe you like or love em’, but want your mate to change? And if so, is the pattern to withhold love until this person acquiesces, giving into the demand?

Is there acceptance or denial of what is true in your relationship?

When it comes to me, I choose to be with a person I like as well as love. And I choose to have the same relationship with myself.  I know for me, my partner as a friend and a lover is the only way to be in a relationship. I cannot imagine a worse place to spend any time than with someone I don’t like.

And…being with someone who doesn’t accept me “just” as I am, means a descent into a personal hell that I’ll avoid visiting and take the nearest subway out, thank you very much!

If it is change I want in a relationship, all I can do is direct that inward.

Change will happen when I don’t engage in the same dynamics, when I take a time out and ask myself what is the motivation for my actions; love or control?

True change happens from love of one self. I change, because I want to be happy inside; I really dig the feeling of well-being. It is my natural state. It is a state I never knew until a few years ago. I thought the low level anxiety I carried was “normal”, yeah…not so much.

I believe we all change, whether we set out to or not.

The key is having a bit of a “say” in what direction you would like to evolve.

There is joy in watching your partner grow into his “own” sense of happiness and journey of learning who she is, what he truly wants and all the darkness in between. As humans, we got it all!

I recently observed a friend with her boyfriend. He said something and the look on her face was a mix between “ignoring” the comment, yet refraining from eye rolling. 

The comment he made to us both was in defense of a characteristic of his personality, which she would really like to see change.

I am not sure, which struck me more as sad; the comment or her look. I know there are certain elements of his personality she’d like to see change, so that she is more comfortable. And him pleading his case had a sort of regrettable appeal. This exchange may just have been an old worn out discussion between them and she no longer had the patience to contain her annoyance? And maybe he just wanted to needle her to get a rise?

Often, we believe our partner is aware of what annoys us about them, and we may think they do it on purpose.

The truth is most of the time they are just as unconscious as you.

They say and do things in which there is no awareness of “why”, it just feels “natural” and so the behavior continues.

Sometimes it is truly part of the anatomy of personality, but more often it is a learned or conditioned behavior that your partner exhibits. In truth, if your partner became more aware, she would be able to recognize the issue and then choose to take different action.

ALTHOUGH, change must be what your partner wants for his or herself (not because it bothers you). And there are features like one’s sense of humor that probably won’t change, so it is probably a good idea to “like” the one your with too.

When we expect change in another, what does that say about “who we are”? How happy are we with ourselves? And what about our partner, does your partner want you to change? Or maybe they just accept you? Could the main issue in your relationship be how you don’t accept them?

There are several answers to these questions and the reason I ask so many is to stimulate thinking and realization. Most of the time we are not aware enough about our own reasons for what we do in and out of relationships. The big bummer is that upon a little introspection we find most of the motivation has nothing to with love. It has to do with control and having our own insecurities calmed by the action of our partner.

If you want change….

Start asking yourself these questions posed in this post.

Dig deep, go beyond the stories you tell yourself to the core, the naked truth.

On the subject of love, like most people, I’ve read many books. Professionally, I coach my clients and have met many people in the “singles” industry over the years. In my past life, I had worked heading up marketing for a dating service over a decade ago. And when I was training as a coach, I learned how to be a  “love coach” of sorts, by instruction from an author of a well-known book.

In all these instances professionally and personally, I definitely learned a lot about things that didn’t include “love and  acceptance”, but instead showed shortcomings, inadequacy and how best to compensate for being unique. I also experienced events and information that were truly transformative; allowing me to personally leave a ton of baggage at the carousel.

There is nothing wrong with anyone that would make them less lovable.

Everyone has the same chance at love, don’t believe the illusion that only a select few get the chance.

You could do nothing and I guarantee if you want love to knock on your door, it will. You don’t have to do anything to bring it to you, BUT and this is something to keep in mind. If you want to be happy and have a happy relationship, then doing some heavy lifting in removing the baggage weighing you down is a good idea.

We just put things in the way of our own happiness, items that don’t belong to us and have nothing to do with love. Once we stop pointing the finger at our partner and look within, that’s when the real fun begins…that is our opportunity to create acceptance and love on a bigger scale.

I have two new coaching groups starting up at the beginning of this next year.

The first group will commence on January 10, 2012…its called: MAKING THE IMPOSSIBLE, POSSIBLE!!! This group will participate in a weekly phone call with me and others who want to LIVE LARGE and experience their dreams.

The second group is “All about LOVE”, you want to fall in love? Want to learn world-class acceptance leading to peace and well-being? Whether it learning to love yourself, your partner or bringing someone new into your life…I am here to help and witness the manifestation of your deepest desires in LOVE. This group will commence on February 1, 2012.

I will have more information on both groups in the coming weeks, so mo matter where you live and what you do….you can participate and make DEFINITE, BIG change in your life!

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